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doctoralian

@lionrowrs

back to tumblr for a while
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0rdinarythoughts

وہ دیکھتے ہیں کہ مرد کو جنم دینا امید ہے اور عورت کا جنم دینا مایوسی ہے حالانکہ ہر مرد کا خواب عورت ہے اور ہر عورت کی مایوسی مرد ہے۔

They see that giving birth to a man is hope and giving birth to a woman is disappointment Although every man's dream is a woman and every woman's disappointment is a man.

~ Nazar Qabbani
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thepersonalquotes
““This is not a goodbye, my darling, this is a thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go.” - Nicholas Sparks // Message in a Bottle”

—

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shinybluebirdwizard

*MANGA SPOILERS AHEAD*

Nightfall's vision of 'marriage' is interesting because it yearns for societal conventions, does not see marriage as a partnership, and is everything that Twilight and Yor's union is not.

For one thing, Nightfall really buys into the 'Berlint In Love' notion of romance, rings and big weddings. Nothing particularly wrong with that, except a marriage is more than those things. Walking down the aisle in a big white dress doesn't mean one is 'really' married. It's just something that society expects when celebrating two people deciding to spend their lives together... But that's the thing. Marriage is all that life after the big wedding. Yet Nightfall's fantasy stops here. You have to wonder why.

Nightfall also doesn't see marriage as a partnership. In her imagination, being Twilight's wife means serving him while he just sits on his butt, not doing a thing.

While as of course, Twilight is always shown doing his fair share of chores with the Forgers - he cooks, he does the laundry, he helps Anya study, he tucks his daughter into bed. And Yor cleans the house, plays with Anya when her papa is not around, trains their daughter in self defense, gives her all the hugs and coddling she wants. Husband and wife - even as they think they are just 'pretend' - work as partners, with each providing what the other lacks. See more of my thoughts on their relationship here.

We see Nightfall's do-it-alone-to-impress-Twilight during the tennis match too. Even though her and Twilight are playing doubles, she tries to dominate the game, enough for her mentor to tell her to rein it in. She is just like that.

And... Twilight and Yor's partnership is just nothing like this. As I mentioned, Yor is Twilight's pretend-wife not because she serves him, but because on top of supporting him at home, she also is his emotional support, even though he has not realized she's his rock. She may think she lacks in the cooking department, but it's also something Twilight never really cares about, because he can cook for his family, and because he appreciates Yor trying.

Twilight and Yor did not have the big wedding nor rings. But they have just fast-forwarded to the more mundane life after all of those things society expects of a couple getting married.

Twilight and Yor may not be intimate in that way (yet?). But, well, intimacy can mean different things to different people too, and a relationship is defined as much more than that. They way they sometimes bare their real selves to each other, that's intimacy too.

Twilight and Yor may not think of themselves as 'real' husband and wife. But they are partners in every sense of the word.

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perfectfeelings
“I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel - drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot describe to you as I think it would not make any difference. Also it is a very private feeling I have - that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I further want to do, who I further wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. No answers, darling. At all.”

— Anne Sexton

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night-thief

“Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.”

- Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

I haven’t used this account in 8 years.

Here’s a quick overview of what has happened:

  • I went to college as a biology student in an accelerated program that goes straight to med school. In retrospect, biology as a major is NOT a real premed course. It deals with botany and zoology more than human medicine. Bad choice for premed imho. It’s hard. Some subjects I think are even harder than the ones in med school. Not all my friends could make the cutoffs. Ngl it’s hell but it’s hella rewarding to make it through.
  • I went to med school. Each year is a different kind of difficult.
  • 1st year is the “adjustment phase” kind of difficult. If you were already trained in courses prior, I don’t think you’re gonna have a problem adjusting. I sailed through the first year pretty okay, adjusting wasn’t too difficult.
  • Second year was shifted into “heavy load phase” kind of difficulty. Thats where heavier forms of memorization and keen understanding between what was normal and abnormal. That’s the year that most student fail to pass.
  • Third year is “heavy load + paperwork”, it’s relatively easier and harder at the same time. It feels more time consuming in all honesty and I missed most classes to to all the paperwork we were required to submit. It’s also the last year we could take part of intra level competitions involving theatre productions, pageants, bands, and sports. It was the late end of the school year that lockdown hit. We were all somewhat exempted from all the rest of our exams due to the need for lax measures in the sudden shift into online learning.
  • Fourth year, supposedly, was our “hospital duties phase”, but COVID was a thing so we could only get an online version of it. It all happened so fast and there’s nothing memorable about being an online student…except for the obvious impostor syndrome and general dread and loneliness of the times.
  • My love life has bloomed. My boyfriend of 4 years and I having going through life together with struggles kind of like a long distance/lockdown relationship through the most of it I think. We don’t live together. We call every other day and spending time watching netflix party things or mobile legends.
  • Internship year, post graduate hospital duties. I was so sick of my own incompetence in all honesty that I needed a way out of the perpetual lockdown, pullout from the hospital, and this insufferable government. I chose to move away from the areas with the most COVID positive cases. I monitored the more strictly protected areas with public hospital trainings. I ended up matching with a regional hospital in my province. It was great. I loved it there. I’m considering residency there too.
  • We had to undergo our licensure exam after that. I’ll be honest, I didn’t study very hard after internship. I was trying to go on a diet this time, too (unlike most people handling the exam). I cannot study at night because my brain probably can’t get through it with an empty stomach. So I was going through intermittent fasting. I wake up for brunch, study with snacks and drinks and eat an early dinner of 4pm. The thing about this is that it gave me a daily deadline of 6pm as a motivation. Everything I have to go through for the day has to be done by 6pm, no exceptions. The limitation kind of felt healthy for me. I was very calm and relaxed all throughout. If I can’t study the material, I read my bible and contemplate and pray. The last 2 weeks I had were spent were probably the most relaxed I’ve been. Our pre exam evaluations gave me the most anxiety because they determined that I was at the low 20% of all exam takers. I was crying while taking the actual licensure exams. TL;DR - I passed despite all the odds against me. I am now an unregistered licensed physician.

I’ve been trying to figure out what I want and where I want to go from here. Residency? Maybe. Right now, I want money. I have been a total freeloader until now and it doesn’t sit right with me. I want income. I want a job.

#doctor#newly licensed#october ple#journal entry#medical school#med student#ple 2022#filipino