David S. Pumpkins

Tumblr finally gives us the option to poll each other and the first immediate thing we did was have a poll that was just racing a snail, a caterpillar, and a worm.

And it was so magnificent that both bug and bug race are trending.

I love you guys. I could kill you for not crowning worm the winner, though.

*through gritted teeth* you are not a child taking a test with the purpose of getting the highest score, you are an adult trying new things and finding ways to enjoy your life, make mistakes, be a beginner, be mediocre, be where you need to be, be unlikeable, just. be.

people are so used to online content being curated for their consumption that they forget tumblr isn’t like that… this is my diary. I don’t post for other people. if you find the stuff I post depressing or annoying or too much or u don’t agree or whatever whatever…. that’s fine it’s not For You? it’s for me. there is no audience I’m performing for. feel free to unfollow me if u don’t like, I’m not a carefully crafted online persona I’m a real person

yes yes yes

I think it’s so tumblr of us that the first two polls I see are a bug race and a penis

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.“

Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.”

IRS AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.“

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know?”

One thing Humans are notoriously bad at is sharing important information or the entire information

So I like to picture a Vulcan ship heading out to check on a Human space base because they requested assistance with some faulty wiring

Turns out the wiring is faulty because some killer giant space whale that shouldn’t even logically exist took a bite out of the base and is still somewhere out there

Did the humans mention this part at all?

No.

(Just picturing the Vulcans looking at the form that says “assistance with faulty wiring” then looking back at the base with a chunk gone from it)

it is what it is *throws up blood*

this isn’t about your little men from your little shows. it’s about ME

I made a baby blanket for a pregnant woman at work and I went back and forth about it like “is this weird? To like hand make something for someone when we’re like friendly acquaintances not like bffs. God why are you so fucking awkward.” Anyway I gave it to her and she said she loved it and in the back of my head I’m like yea she’s nice and probably just humoring the weirdo. Well she texted me a picture this weekend of a scrunchy faced newborn at the hospital wrapped in the blanket I made her. And I’m like. Wow. She loved it so much she took it with her! To the hospital! To give birth! She wrapped her newborn it! I am just so filled with love and joy right now.

People will love the things you make them. Because you thought of them and you cared.

i spend my days waiting. waiting for the water to boil and my tea to be ready. for spring to come back. for more daylight. the oil in the pan to heat up. a “hey i miss you” or “can you help me out for a second?” or “you want to hang out?” text. for my phone to finish charging. for good news. flowers on the table. the next hug. “hey, you got the job!”. waiting for the sun. to set. to rise. to see both. for summer to be around the corner. a good song. a falling star. a text back. i spend my time waiting to be remembered. i spend my time repeating that tomorrow will be better. tomorrow will be better. i spend my days waiting and waiting and waiting. i spend my days waiting unbearably.

i love how delusional some articles of clothing are, like you read the tag and its like “hand wash only/tumble dry on low” son you are a cotton tshirt. youre going in the warsh and whatever happens in there is in gods hands

i call my parents and say ‘yeah i can’t do family stuff tonight, i got too much stuff to do for school’ and i e-mail my professor and say ‘i can’t do my assignments tonight, work got crazy’ and i text my boss and say ‘sorry i can’t work late tonight, i gotta some family stuff’ and through this triangulation of deceitful excuses i at last will be free

sorry, i mythologized your boyfriend. yeah i took him and a few other boyfriends and merged them together with local folklore and mystic elements into one legendary figure. he's going to be really hard to pin down historically. sorry about that. I can make you his consort in some stories if that helps.