Shadows and Ferns
Tillamook forest, Oregon
So I literally have been consistently depressed since I was 12 (tbh I don't know how happy I was before this? And my mom did think I had possibly something"wrong" with me when I was young). And the weird thing is I also have a lot of other mental health problems so the depression actually takes a backseat/I would forget Abt it for long periods of time. Even tho I'd still be lacking seratonin / enjoyment from literally anything and feel disconnected. And I am just barely starting mental health meds. And it just hurts so much how much it feels like it's taken from me (my mental illnesses in general). And that I'd even need medication to be okay at all. Or to function literally at all. Bec I'm seriously not a functional normal person whatsoever... Like it really makes me feel cut off from other people how I feel. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. But, in a serious way. I need so much from my partner for instance. And I struggle to even do "hobbies" alone Bec of how much pain I'm usually in or just lack of enjoyment . Like I seriously get to the point where I just feel cut off from everyone Bec of my problems (Autism , ocd, intense anxiety caused by ocd ect). Like I hate how mental health advice online still makes me feel freakish Bec it's always like "you've gotten through this before, you can do it again!". And other bullshit that wasn't true. Or just people even pointing out in their mental health talks online that they still know what joy is and joy can be simple. When joy has never been easy for me to find. Almost impossible. Like, I think it's even boiled into a tiny bit of resentment. I just,,, want to finally be okay. And not completely fucked all the time. So I really hope the meds work. And I wish I could talk Abt this stuff without sounding like I think I'm so special. But, that's how it comes out. I just get so upset that people literally have it so easy to the point that they will think shit like mental health stuff is bullshit and fake. Like god I wish I was them. I feel like I'm so so messed up. I want to finally feel like , just a person.
