Gay + Mental Health Content

It’s basically like that Watsky song Whoa Whoa Whoa bc he’s like “it’s like my teacher told me when I heard the crowd applaud. I thought I was an athiest until I realized I’m a god.” I wish I had that confidence. Bc I feel insecure like 90% of the time but I try to emote an air of confidence. It’s not as bad as it was when I was young but I still feel that I lack confidence. Is anyone actually super confident and likes themself? Like is that actually a thing or are people lying? is anyone actually like 99% happy with their body or themself? Or are they lying? LIke I kinda feel like they are lying. And it seems kinda sad that I can’t believe them. 

So like my being bipolar may also be astrological? Am I the only one who that’s the only thing I see when I look at this meme? 

Left = depressive episode

Right = hypomanic (also it’s fitting that he’s in the car bc shoutout to going 90 down the freeway feeling like a God) 

Is it just me that this is relatable for? LIke I had a four year super intense friendship that we spent major holidays together (had new years traditions), went on vacation together, slept in the same bed/spooned all the time, held hands when we went places, took turns paying for food/treating each other, bought random presents for each other, planned birthday celebrations, and were constantly with each other. Are you going to tell me that was strictly platonic? LIke it was kinda mostly platonic? But kinda not? And after four years when we were going to different colleges it kinda felt like a break up and we haven’t talked since. I don’t even know what to make of it but looking back it seems super strange. Just me? Cool. 

I don’t know enough about astrology but I know that I fully identify with my zodiac sign and I am also 100% down and great at cutting people off if they are toxic. I really don’t think that’s a bad thing. 

The forgiveness piece might be not such a great thing. But some things I feel like I can come to acceptance on but not forgiveness. Does that make any sense? 

This is the world rn but especially america. 

And I am sad but resolute that I never want to have biological children. I feel like it’s kinda controversial because being bipolar isn’t a bad thing. People think that it is (my dad thinks that it is and has a bunch of hurtful things to say about it) but I’m reading books by bipolar people and we’ve always existed. Our brains work differently and maybe we feel way more and are different but it’s largely society as it is structured that gives us a hard time. That there can be things to appreciate about my brain and how it works. Still having a hard time with that line of thought tbh but I know that’s where a lot of other people stand.

But I don’t want to pass on my bipolar genetics to my kids. They might end up having severe mental health stuff or being bipolar anyways and that would never affect my love or support of them. But if I can avoid giving a kid my bipolar genes/mental health stuff I would. My brother has the same opinion lmao so it’s basically that “I will end your bloodline” sound aimed at my father. I could adopt or use my future partner’s egg/genetics. It makes me a little sad because I think I’d love to carry a child and it’s kinda expensive to do all that to make it happen without my genetics. But it’s possible. I’m thinking way too far into the future. If anyone ever sees this and has something nice to say or your own experience I’d love to hear it. 

But like actually help a big part of me thought I wouldn’t be here at 21. I’m amazed I made it tbh and I’m not totally sure what I’m supposed to do with myself now? Like I’m in college but things have been really rough with the virtual learning. I need to finish my degree but I don’t know if med school is totally a possibility? I go to a really good school and everyone is so ambitious and fitting in volunteering, internships, research positions, a hundred extracurriculars, and start ups in on top of their million units of coursework. I’m over here like i just want to graduate because I’m trying to provide a good life for my dog. I’m kinda in a major but I have no idea what I want to do with it if I don’t go to med school. What do I even want to do with myself? 

I want to make money, get married, have kids, live in cool places, just be happy. Everyone at school seems to have grand aspirations and maybe I once did but they are trying to be the next Mark Zukerberg and I’m just trying to stay here on earth another year because if I left my dog would be so sad. 

My sleep has not been good..... I have been getting the necessary number of hours (thank goodness) for the most part but I go to bed way too late and then wake up later than I should as well. I feel so sad when I miss the early morning bc it’s my favorite time to drink coffee and actually feel happy about life. 

Maybe my seroquil needs to go up? Because I take it early and it used to do the job of knocking me out when I am supposed to sleep but now it doesn’t seem to do too much. Can you form a resistence ish to this? Or does this mean i’m more hypomanic rn? My psychiatrist is on sabbatical and I’m waiting until AUGUST to talk to him. LIke what. Is that a thing psychiatrists can do? Apparently. But I think it’s going to be okay. I just probably need to stop going on tumblr at midnight. 

Okay all the teenagers on tik tok are grouping themselves into being tops or bottoms but like aren’t we all kinda switches? Maybe people have preferences and it’s totally chill if you and your partner(s) decide to never switch roles but I feel like in the vast majority of relationships at some point you both give and recieve? What is this new top vs bottom labeling? Does this officially make me old that I don’t understand this? 

This is so relatable it worries me. I am single and am not mad at it. I don’t want a relationship right now necessarily unless someone who met all the things I’m looking for in a partner and was down to weather life with me suddenly popped up. But I make friends and see people casually and I never know at what point in a friendship/semi romantic thing I disclose that I’m bipolar and have different needs around sleep, taking my meds, limiting caffeine after a certain point in the day, not doing drugs, not drinking to excess, tracking and addressing when a hypomanic or depressive episode starts. These things affect my life and thus affect my relationships even though I’ve been relatively stable-ish for a while now. 

I don’t feel obligated to tell someone upfront about my personal health details. I don’t know them yet and they aren’t entitled to that. But before they invest a huge amount of time or if I’m thinking about getting into a relationship with someone I think it is necessary to tell them what they are signing up for. And I wouldn’t want to be in a serious platonic or romantic relationship with someone who couldn’t be understanding of my mental health stuff. Anyways if anyone actually sees this and can relate maybe you have some experience with disclosing stuff. I’m still figuring it out. 

I want one of these desperately because I think it’s so funny. That whole discussion some homophobic people apparently had on putting all the gay people together on an island honestly sounds kinda fun. LIke super homophobic but also I’d kinda be down to go to wlw island. It would make dating a hell of a lot easier. If we had our own land to be queer that would kinda rock. Basically she-ra but reality. 

I’m no longer in that terrible low spot of actively feeling like I don’t want to do life. But I still have this like meh feeling of life is so rough and why are some people so excited about it? LIke it kinda sucks and isn’t that great. I give it like a 4/10. My amazon review of life would be that it’s mediocre at best and takes way too long. 

I have to remind myself constantly that people I love make it better and my dog is a source of joy. Food is fantabulous for the most part and I like hiking and swimming and watching She-ra. My favorite part of any day is usually in the morning when I have a cup of coffee (lots of cream and absolutely no sugar - I don’t believe sugar belongs in coffee but that’s for another post). Recently playing uno with my mom and sister is the highlight of my quarintine. Highly reccomend uno tournaments as a method of generating a will to live.  

Enough said. 

But like actually I am that person that leaves everyone on read for way too long. I will get depressed or just not be in the mood and not respond in a timely manner. And then I feel super awkward and anxious about not replying in a timely manner and feeling like it’s too late to reply now and have to apologize so I let it go even longer and thus ghost people while feeling super bad about it the whole time. And with my friends it’s kinda the same thing. I go MIA for like three months and then I pop back up and am like yo I’m alive and I’m sorry for being totally absent, can we get boba?