funnytwittertweets
i can't watch movies containing naval warfare for the same reason some horse lovers can't watch historic war movies where horses get shot
yes, i know the cannonballs aren't real. yes, i understand the ships are only pretending to sink. and yet, I am distress
Don't worry! The boats just turn into submarines when the sink! They don't actually take any damage, they just travel underwater to get a snack for being such good boats!
logically i know this, but it's still reassuring to hear someone say it out aloud
And! When they do a really really really good job they are given boat belly rubs! and an extra warm boat bath! I am glad I could be of help to reassure you my friend!
why do we praise boats like this boats are an invasive species and danger to the ocean and all of its natural wildlife like sharks and shipwreaks
okay wow that is a MASSIVE generalization, the boat genus has evolved over thousands of years and consists of hundreds of subspecies many of which are perfectly capable of living as part of a balanced aquatic ecosystem. boats aren't automatically evil just because *you personally* think they're big and scary.
@is-the-boat-video-cute your professional opinion?
Rating: Cute!
While there are invasive boat species (see: most species of yacht), most species of boat are fully acclimated to their environment!
this is my favourite genre of Tumblr post
what can i say tumblr loves shipping
tags from coloredcompulsion:
tags from me lol but yeah
Also known as oldest child syndrome.
can't believe that pompeii by bastille is over ten years old now. but I guess if you close your eyes it does almost feel like nothing changed at all
All props to the characters whose entire vibe is “You know, I didn’t intend to fight God when I woke up this morning, but since I’m here….”
Never misses. Always slaps.
Edit: This is not the same as “I fully intended to fight God today. This altercation was planned.” Which is, undoubtedly, also fantastic.
y’all ever think abt how eddie decided to sacrifice himself while looking up at the spot where chrissy died
I feel like when I say ‘relatable’ what I really mean is ‘resonant.’ I don’t want characters who I feel are like me, I want characters who have emotions so strong I can feel them through the page.
When the porn bots attack is over i want a little badge next to my username with the number of bots I've reported
Season 3 is just Lexi fantasising she's on a bunch of different shows with Fezco as she counts down his release date while working a very joyless job at a studio.
Like she's on a chat show and Fezco is the host.
Fezco: So c'mon Lexi, you gotta be seein' someone?
Lexi: *giggles* no, no, not seeing anyone. I'm so busy with work!
Fezco: There noone you got your eye on?
Lexi: *shy* I don't know, I don't get out much. I actually haven't been OUT out in...God, it must be a year
Fezco: A year! You gotta let me take you out!
*Audience 'oooooohs'*
Fezco: For real Lexi, lemme take you out some time
Lexi: I....
Fezco: whadaya think audience? Think she should go out with me?
*audience goes wild*
Fezco: I think that's a yes
Lexi: Well how can I say no now?
positivelydetectivecomics
This is way better than straight up telling your kid “Santa isn’t real.”
I never thought about it this way, and it makes me really happy
it’s DIRT
unmute for comically aggrieved farmer
reblogging for the second time because I still laugh uncontrollably. in my mind the cows are trying to be gracious about their strange gift. ‘yes we love it thank u’
@diseonfire future?
I know I literally just reblogged this but I love this video so much it always makes me laugh because
1. “LADIES”
2. The very disappointed “Eclair…”
3. “WHAT?” (High pitched mooing in response)
4. The way they turn into Pleakley from Lilo and Stitch as they get progressively more frustrated
I will reblog this everytime I see it until my dying day
What is this?! Why have I never seen this?! 😍😍😍😍😍😍 absolutely awesome!
doobiwankenooku
Yessss
the-stars-are-warring
The TIMINGS On this thing
It’s so GOOD
OH. WOW.
I LOVE this!
@theempressar does the music sound familiar at all? 😜
And do check out her MCU Battle Royale videos: the original and the Infinity War/Endgame edition.
Humanity still exists in spite of the daily news ....
The clothes are not clean or dirty but a secret third thing (on the chair)
In my head Ashtray greets Lexi kinda low key rude like
"Yo Blair Waldorf in the house!"
And Lexi's like "...thanks?" not getting it at first.
And it carries on like
"Who ordered the nerd?"
And
"You get lost on the way to the Gilmour Girls set?"
"Fez! Velma here for yo' ass"
And one day she snaps she's like "Thanks for the intro Scrappy Doo"
And he's like:
And Fezco and Faye are like
"OMG! You are SO Scrappy-Doo! Good one Lexi!"
And Lexi's just like
And Ashtray respects her.
me writing fictional couples: oh wow…. the tenderness, the devotion, the romance
me irl:
okay tumblr’s exclusion from the twitter social media ban list is hilarious but genuinely we do not belong on there. if a real human person asks “where can i find you on social media” and your choice is a swift death or revealing your tumblr, most of us would simply expire. half of y’all change urls every week like you’re in witness protection. just imagine for one second attaching your wholeass government name to your latest two am clownposting and tell me that didn’t send a cold chill down your spine. the only place i ever want to see the words “connect with me on tumblr!” is on the ao3 profile of an author i’m actively stalking. anyone in the world can follow me except anyone i personally know. antisocial media.
TUESDAY
“If you really want to go out with me, sacrifice magic for a week,” says Hermione, exasperated, knowing he won’t do it. One of his friends dared him to harass her into a date, and the moment she says yes, they’ll laugh at her. She’s not stupid.
After taking a moment to deliberate, Malfoy hands over his wand. “A week.”
Unconvinced, she says, “No wandless magic. No house-elves. No potions.”
“Very well.”
WEDNESDAY
Hermione looks up when Malfoy enters the office. “You’re an hour late.”
“Do you know how long it takes to walk here from Chelsea?” he grumbles, irate, robes in disarray. “While trying to avoid metal death traps on wheels.” He shakes his hair like a wet dog. “In the rain.”
She grins when his back is turned.
THURSDAY
He’s not late, but he looks awful. His hair is shaggy without his expensive styling potions, he looks exhausted, no doubt having woken up extra early to arrive on time, and there are bandages around his hands.
“What happened?” she asks, amused.
He rubs his palm sorely. “I tried frying an egg, but it fried me.”
More endeared than she cares to admit, Hermione almost crosses the room to heal him. But it would do him well to learn Muggles don’t heal instantly—a humble Malfoy is a better Malfoy.
FRIDAY
“You dropped this.” Hermione picks up a plastic card that tumbles out of Malfoy’s cloak. “Is this a room key?”
A second glance at him reveals a well-rested face and a smile?
“You know,” he says, “hotels have something called room service? It’s like Muggle house-elves! And it only took ten minutes to walk to work.”
MONDAY
Hermione’s jaw drops when Malfoy enters the office.
Dressed in a chic, tailored suit—Muggle. Hair cut and styled in the latest fashion—Muggle. And he’s whistling. Whistling!
“Uh… morning?” She can’t take her eyes off him.
“Good morning, Granger.” He unbuttons his jacket and sits behind his desk, taking out a—
“Is that a Montblanc fountain pen?”
“Oh you’ve heard of it? Tanisha, the concierge, set me up with a personal shopper. And a chauffeur, Philippe, good man. And did you know there are barbers that come straight to your suite? What do you think?” He brushes a hand through his wispy blond hair.
“You look…” Her heart thumps loudly in her ears. “Handsome.”
“I do, don’t I?” He looks exuberant. He’s glowing. “Know what I learned from all this?”
“What?”
“It’s awfully nice to be rich in Muggle London.”
TUESDAY
“Here’s your wand back,” says Hermione, hovering over his desk at the end of the workday. She still can’t get over how well Muggle fashion suits him. She’s barely gotten any work done this week. “I thought it might be a humbling experience for you, but I realize now that ‘humble’ will never exist in your vocabulary.”
His smile fades. “So you won’t go out with me?”
“You were really serious about that?”
He shrugs, defeated, lifting his gaze from his wand to appraise her slowly. An achy open longing in his eyes. “I fancy you.”
“You might not be humble,” she concedes, blushing, “but you are resourceful. And resilient.” She looks him over again, her stomach fluttering. “Dinner tonight?”
Malfoy’s face lights up. “Phillipe and I will be at your doorstep at eight.”
(556 words, prompt from twitter: sacrifice)