The Hobbits try shoes

Sam: *walking about like a cat in booties* oh no… Oh no…

Frodo: *stands up* *immediately falls down*

Merry: you just spend all your time with your feet in… jail? In foot jail?? This is the worst

Pippin: *stomping about* haha Merry look, I’m a human! Get out of my way! I’m in a hurry! Where’s my horse? My name’s Boromir- *trips over laces and goes down hard* ow

Pippin: Merry help I’m stuck Merry *wrenching at shoes* STOP LAUGHING i’M A TOOK WE HAVE WIDE FEET

Merry: why are there so many laces this is so over-complicated

Frodo: *frantically kicking off shoes* nope nope nope nope nope

Gimli: Sam just walk normally

Sam: I don’t know where my feet are!

Gimli: they’re at the ends of your legs lad!

Sam: Mister Frodo help

& while all this is happening literally every other member of the Fellowship losing their gotdamn shit at the sight of a bunch of grown men (+Pippin) unable to figure out how shoes work

Frodo: alright I’m going to try again *stands up* *WHAM* oww

Aragorn: *sobering up* Okay Frodo seriously take those off before you really hurt yourself

~later~

Pippin: I suddenly have a new respect for all you shoe-wearing folks

Boromir: Pippin no offence but that is literally one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard anyone say

Strap in, folks, this is gonna have INSTALLMENTS.

Part One | Part Two [WIP] | Part Three [WIP]

Spot how many memes I referenced in the last image.

Part One | Part Two | Part Three [WIP]

The gripping finale!

Part One | Part Two | Part Three

It's not MY fault they're so easy to whack with a comically large angst hammer

Legolas Whump Rec List

Tada!! After months of nearly no activity I am here with the rec list that nobody asked for! 

If anyone is still into Lord of the Rings stuff and enjoys Legolas whump then I’m your gal! I learned how to use the internet at age 12 for the express purpose of reading Legolas whump fanfic and I have never turned back. Under the cut you’ll find a mix of old and new fics that I think are worth a read and review, both for the whump and because they’re just plain good

Also note: all these fics are Gen, and contain violence only to the approximate level that is shown in the LOTR books and movies unless otherwise noted

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Random Legolas Greenleaf moments: 95/?

Ok, so, as most know hobbits LOVE mushrooms, but what if they love ALL mushrooms, even the poisonous ones. What if a hobbit’s body is able to handle more of the poison and it doesn’t affect them at all. And they love it!

And then they nearly give Aragorn a heart-attack when they’re heading to Rivendell. 

Pippin, just being pippin: Look, MUSHROoms!!

The other three, running at full speed: MUSHROOMS!

Aragorn, who is a skilled ranger who knows every plant, tree, and flower to survive: No those are poisonous!

Frodo, who’s mouth is stuffed full: No they’re not. We eat these all the time back in the shire.

Merry, speaking with his mouth full, spitting mushroom everywhere: Yeah, they’re definitely not poisonous. Do you want one?

Aragorn, now having an existential crisis: No, n-no. I’m good.

Sam, mumbling under his breath: Well I wasn’t gonna share anyways.

@penny-anna this seems like your kind of hobbit lore

… OKAY NO WAIT THIS IS IMPORTANT

What if that’s the reason Sam and Frodo survived in Mordor? 

What if all those references to noxious fumes and tainted water and everything were completely literal? They avoided eating anything made there, but they had to keep drinking and breathing. 

What if part of Mordor’s defenses was that it’s literally poisonous to any creature not specifically bred to live in those conditions? What if Faramir was so careful about warning them about drinking the water because he knew it was fatal? What if Sauron’s general lack of concern about shit going down inside his own borders (aside from treachery, which apparently happened a lot) was knowing that any Mortal Man or Elf or Whatever that wandered in was gonna be stone dead in a few days, and his desire to catch any infiltrators on the borders was to keep them alive long enough for questioning?

And then these two hobbits who have spent their entire lives merrily ingesting enough poisonous fungi for breakfast to give Shelob a stomach-ache trot into Mordor and drink the poisonous waters and breath the poisonous fumes and scratch themselves on the poisonous thorns and feel mildly unwell.

Years later Sam gets a pained note from Faramir asking him how the hell he and Frodo survived when all the water is tainted with arsenic according to the survivors of the exploratory party and Sam writes back confused ‘What’s arsenic, it tasted bad and a bit metallic, that’s all I know honestly’ and Faramir goes to rant at Aragorn about how bizarre this is and is really confused when Aragorn goes into full-on flashbacks of watching those four tiny dumbasses STUFFING DEATH CAPS INTO THEIR MOUTHS LIKE GODDAMN CANDY. 

Oooooo, I like that!! And it would make sense after Boromir went on and on about how impossible it was to be able to breathe in Mordor.

Death caps are actually really interesting because they kill you (if you don’t receive proper treatment quickly enough) by destroying your cells over the course of a couple days by, basically, blocking your cells’ ability to create proteins. To my understanding the reason death cap mushrooms don’t poison themselves is because their RNA polymerase is structured differently. So it could just be a simple case of “hobbits are inherently immune to some things that will easily kill a human or an elf”—kind of in a similar way to how there are lots of things that humans can safely eat that we have to keep away from our dogs and cats because that food is deadly to them but not us.

So my first interpretation of the original post was that hobbits can eat deeply toxic mushrooms not because they’ve ~built up an immunity~ Princess Bride style, but because they’re so genetically different from humans that it’s like, “no no no, this mushroom isn’t toxic, it’s just toxic to YOU guys,” the same way we don’t consider grapes or chocolate to be toxic even though those foods are very dangerous to dogs.

Maybe like an evolutionary adaptation to their enormous food requirements: Mammals differ in their ability to detoxify poisons in part based on their dietary evolution. Cats for instance, as hypercarnivores, absolutely suck at detoxifying poisons - their all meat diet means they’ve lost a lot of the metabolic pathways in the liver that other mammals like us and dogs use to neutralise toxic compounds. This is why it’s so easy to accidentally poison cats, this is why you can’t use spot on dog flea stuff on cats; the dog version is about 10x stronger as a dog’s liver starts immediately breaking down the compound so the dose must be higher to be effective, while a cat can’t glycosylate the medication and so it just kinda stays in them unchanged till they excrete it. 

Plants are full of poisons to prevent things eating them, yes that includes lots of the ones we consider safe. Humans, as extreme omnivores adapted to way more plants in their diet than dogs, can eat all sorts of things that will kill a dog because we’ve got a load more metabolic pathways that degrade or modify toxic compounds we eat. Many herbivores, especially ruminants that have extra microscopic helpers to detoxify stuff, can eat things that will murder a human stone dead: deer will eat yew trees ffs. Rabbits eat death caps with no ill effect.

With how much hobbits eat (probably need a lot of energy to fuel their enormous, overworked livers), there’s got to be a lot of selection pressure for not being choosy, and even for being able to handle accumulation of other things like heavy metals just due to the sheer quantity of stuff they consume. Mordor was a polluted land, heavy with toxins usually present only in minuscule quantities in the air and soil, but hobbits eat their bodyweight in potatoes alone every week and are used to high doses of environmental pollutants and just kinda shrug it off as their liver slaps a few methyl groups on things and fires them off to the kidneys for removal. 

Consider this though: Their weird biology makes them stupidly susceptible to something other races are fine with. Like how Sydney funnel-web venom is mildly irritating to most mammals like cats and dogs, but, due to some quirk in primate sodium channels, can kill humans. Everyone gets used to the hobbits just munching away on assorted deadly poisons, maybe flavoured with a little lead, casually drinking hemlock tea and seeing Sam and Merry absolutely lose their shit at someone getting a nettle sting or eating broad beans because “those things will kill you!!!!”.

I mean…this seems completely feasible, if you consider lembas bread, a bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man, Merry ate FOUR whole breads and barely burped, Sam and Frodo ate about a quarter piece of the bread a day plus whatever food they could get their hands on in the wild.

Consider the chill pepper, and what its capsaicin heat is meant to do.

Consider how many humans respond to that same heat. Even knowing about the volcanic afterburn to follow isn’t enough to deter them.

More about that in an older blog post here.

Frodo and Sam surviving a lembas-exclusive diet in Mordor’s polluted air and water, Merry and Pippin taking no harm from consuming both Orc-draughts and Ent-draughts within a few days of each other…

Looked at that way, Hobbits having palates and digestion that regard fly agaric as light but tangy with death cap and destroying angel as piquant yet mellow makes a certain amount of sense. Having enough bacon to go with them also helps…

anyone else here uhhhh love legolas?

This is very very cute

First Sight

Legolas X Reader {Soulmate Au}

Warning: Light Angst, I guess (If there is anything else, feel free to tell me!)

Word Count: 2,230

A/N: I went into this with high hopes but it didn’t exactly turn out how I originally thought. I still like the idea but I think one day I’ll do a rewrote. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

~~~

You had one job: protect the line of Durin.

You were Dis’ best warrior and personal guard. She placed you in the company to protect her sons and brother on the journey to reclaim their homeland. Thorin was a bit weary at first to take his sister’s protector with him but finally agreed after fighting with her over the subject for weeks.

You were loyal to the Durins but were an even braver warrior. You had been training and fighting since you were young, preparing for the day you’d have to protect those you loved. When a part of the company, any day could be that day… like today was.

Gandalf had sent The Company into Mirkwood as it was the fastest way to Erebor. He had warned you all to stay on the path but once the darkness set in, making you all hallucinate, staying on the path was the last thing on any of your minds.

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This is adorable!!