hello my foul little beasties, i am taking a (hopefully brief) hiatus to deal with some health & personal issues. in the meantime here are some terrible awful no good wholesome fun facts i've been meaning to share:

*a shriveled claw extends from the barren soil* hello my wretched lovelies, i have once again tunneled my way out of containment! i am returned to you like a long lost lover...like a faithful and persistent fungal infection. you're welcome!

i am delighted to report (in no particular order) that i do NOT have cancer, i have finally gone no contact with my transphobic parents, I am receiving a Good Grade in Therapy (from my nice new therapist), and steady progress has been made on the Big Shiny Mystery Project i will be shoving down your throats circa 2024.

and now let's ease back into our regularly scheduled shitposting with some more super wholesome fun facts!

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes it is.” Boy: ‟I have a baseball.” Man: ‟That’s nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟That’s my dad outside.” Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?” Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes, it is..” Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.” Man: ‟That’s nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.” Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?” Boy: ‟$750.” Man: ‟Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.” The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?” The son says, ‟$1,000.” The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Dark in here.” The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

JEFF WE TALKED ABOUT THIS

So D&D black dragons are supposed to live in swamps, right? Pretty amphibious, live in swamps, lair in...

caves. With a main entrance and a back entrance.

In swamps.

I really have trouble with the idea that there's these dragon-sized caves in an area with such a high water table, y'know? We have to go through miles of swamp to reach this lair, it's not one little boggy place in a mountain valley otherwise filled with nice caves. And the cave has to have two entrances, too? I can believe in dragons, but not this geology.

So... maybe it's not geology. Because a lair in a marshy place with exacting design specifications sounds a lot like a totally natural thing --

A beaver lodge.

So now I have this new image of black dragons industriously gnawing down giant trees to construct their mighty swamp lairs, and I am so much happier.

He's building his lodge.

To anyone worried about this eliminating the fear factor, don't worry; instead, imagine a lair full of sharp spikes formed from logs. Imagine previous, less fortunate treasure-hunters, dragonslayers, etc. being impaled on those spikes for your party to see.

That's brilliant! I'd done a dragon with shrike behavior in my game before, but it was a red dragon. I had the wrong species. We do know that black dragons like to let their food decompose a bit before tucking in. So they put in on a meat hook for a while.

I adore the newly emerging study of the ecology beavering swamp dragon.

Now - how would one create a suitable habitat in the Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick [Swamp] Dragons? Would the decorative pond finally be out to use?

In the mid-2000s there was a brief fad in Australian government messaging where they went out of their way to insult the public as much as possible.

This fad eventually died out after the tourism board attempted the same style of messaging in the UK, causing a minor scandal which led to the head of Tourism Australia, Scott Morrison, getting the sack.

The first time we drove past the “don’t drive like a cock” sign, my mum looked at it was immediately SO confused - after all she’s a good semi-conservative Christian woman. My brother and I knew it right away but for the next half hour she guessed literally EVERY other word for cock (don’t drive like a rooster, chicken, hen, chick, bird, fowl, poultry) trying her goddamned hardest to make the sign make sense until my - at the time - eleven year old brother got fed up and yelled COCK at the top of his lungs from the back seat.

My mum was FURIOUS - we weren’t even allowed to say “heck” - until she realised he’d just been telling her what the sign was, and for the rest of the three hour trip our good semi-conservative Christian mother proceeded to amuse herself by muttering “cock” under her breath and giggling like a teenager every time she did.

We still bring it up every now and then. So that particular advertising campaign has been making my family laugh for over a decade.

This one was always my favourite, though:

Reblogging to make sure this excellent story is seen

Hey. Why isn’t the moon landing a national holiday in the US. Isn’t that fucked up? Does anyone else think that’s absurd?

It was a huge milestone of scientific and technological advancement. (Plus, at the time, politically significant). Humanity went to space! We set foot on a celestial body that was not earth for the first time in human history! That’s a big deal! I’ve never thought about it before but now that I have, it’s ridiculous to me that that’s not part of our everyday lives and the public consciousness anymore. Why don’t we have a public holiday and a family barbecue about it. Why have I never seen the original broadcast of the moon landing? It should be all over the news every year!

It’s July 20th. That’s the day of the moon landing. Next year is going to be the 54th anniversary. I’m ordering astronaut shaped cookie cutters on Etsy and I’m going to have a goddamn potluck. You’re all invited.

Hey. Hey. Tumblr. Ides of March ppl. We can do this

Hell yeah moon holiday

Hey. Why isn’t the moon landing a national holiday in the US. Isn’t that fucked up? Does anyone else think that’s absurd?

It was a huge milestone of scientific and technological advancement. (Plus, at the time, politically significant). Humanity went to space! We set foot on a celestial body that was not earth for the first time in human history! That’s a big deal! I’ve never thought about it before but now that I have, it’s ridiculous to me that that’s not part of our everyday lives and the public consciousness anymore. Why don’t we have a public holiday and a family barbecue about it. Why have I never seen the original broadcast of the moon landing? It should be all over the news every year!

It’s July 20th. That’s the day of the moon landing. Next year is going to be the 54th anniversary. I’m ordering astronaut shaped cookie cutters on Etsy and I’m going to have a goddamn potluck. You’re all invited.

Hey. Hey. Tumblr. Ides of March ppl. We can do this

Hell yeah moon holiday

(Source: me on twitter)

*slaps hood of family van* this baby can fit so much autism in it

July 10, 2023 - (18:00 UTC)

The Archive is experiencing some issues (as many of you have noticed).

It looks like the Archive is under a DDoS attack causing the servers to fall over. Our volunteer sysadmins are working on countermeasures. Please be patient with us, we'll be back!

A DDoS attack is when an attacker attempts to knock a site offline by overwhelming it with requests. Data is not compromised in a DDoS attack, so there is no need to change your password at this time or worry about your works being lost.

A group presenting themselves as a collective of religiously and politically motivated hackers has claimed responsibility for the DDoS attack. This group has attacked other sites before, including those of government organizations and large corporations. However, cybersecurity experts do not believe the group is honest about their motivation, so we urge caution in believing any reasoning this group provides for targeting AO3.

As part of our efforts to help keep the site up, you might find that you get "Retry later" errors more often when searching or filtering works or bookmarks. Don't worry, just go a little slower, or try again in a few minutes! These are temporary measures. Normal use of the site is fine -- you don't have to avoid using AO3 if it's currently up for you.

Our volunteers are continuing to work hard on this issue! We appreciate your patience and support in the meantime.

Date: 22:43 UTC July 10, 2023

We've changed our approach slightly, so you might now see error messages other than "Retry later," such as 429 (too many requests), 400 (bad request), or 503 (service unavailable).

Please do continue to access the site if it's up for you, and feel free to download some works for offline reading in case of further downtime!

We'd also like to take a moment to reiterate that cybersecurity experts believe the group claiming responsibility for the ongoing DDoS attack is lying about their affiliation and reasons for attacking websites. We strongly encourage you to be skeptical of any statements from this group.

Date: 02:16 UTC July 11, 2023

July 10, 2023 - (18:00 UTC)

The Archive is experiencing some issues (as many of you have noticed).

It looks like the Archive is under a DDoS attack causing the servers to fall over. Our volunteer sysadmins are working on countermeasures. Please be patient with us, we'll be back!

A DDoS attack is when an attacker attempts to knock a site offline by overwhelming it with requests. Data is not compromised in a DDoS attack, so there is no need to change your password at this time or worry about your works being lost.

A group presenting themselves as a collective of religiously and politically motivated hackers has claimed responsibility for the DDoS attack. This group has attacked other sites before, including those of government organizations and large corporations. However, cybersecurity experts do not believe the group is honest about their motivation, so we urge caution in believing any reasoning this group provides for targeting AO3.

As part of our efforts to help keep the site up, you might find that you get "Retry later" errors more often when searching or filtering works or bookmarks. Don't worry, just go a little slower, or try again in a few minutes! These are temporary measures. Normal use of the site is fine -- you don't have to avoid using AO3 if it's currently up for you.

Our volunteers are continuing to work hard on this issue! We appreciate your patience and support in the meantime.

Date: 22:43 UTC July 10, 2023

We've changed our approach slightly, so you might now see error messages other than "Retry later," such as 429 (too many requests), 400 (bad request), or 503 (service unavailable).

Please do continue to access the site if it's up for you, and feel free to download some works for offline reading in case of further downtime!

We'd also like to take a moment to reiterate that cybersecurity experts believe the group claiming responsibility for the ongoing DDoS attack is lying about their affiliation and reasons for attacking websites. We strongly encourage you to be skeptical of any statements from this group.

Date: 02:16 UTC July 11, 2023

Sumerian Veteran: *has severe PTSD but doesn't know it because the term won't be invented for another 5000 years* I fight the same battle in my dreams every night and my relationship with my family has fallen apart.

Sumerian Healer: *saw hundreds of veterans with the exact same affliction before* You're cursed by desert demons.

actually we have recorded texts of sumerian warriors describing symptoms that closely match ptsd, and the diagnoses was not desert demons, but rather "Those dudes you killed are still attacking you with their ghosts because you killed them"

🙏🏿

Let us protect our Women.

Prevention is better than Cure

Friendly reminder that both male and female people have mammary glands and can develop breast cancer

if i tell yall what i did on the tram today yall would call it a fake tumblr story i think

oh?

so it helps to know that my mindset at the time was influenced by having been transphobically sealioned at a temping agency earlier, as well as spontaneously turning up to a different temping agency without an appointment & actually landing with them after THOSE guys turned out to be cool.

I was on the tram (crowded tram) (just after 11 AM) on my way home full of adrenaline still, and saw my dad eating a banana on the platform. I could get out of the tram to say hi, but then i'd miss the tram, or worse, hold it up. What i COULD do, however, is sprint out of the tram as soon as the door opens, take a bite from the banana my dad is holding, and SPRINT back into the tram before the doors close. So That Is What I Did.

unfortunately now roughly half of the passengers of the tram were looking at me like I was suddenly some sort of feral spirit of hunger or perhaps a strange insect of some sort.* Fortunately, the truth was also the ONE sequence of words that could make what they had just witnessed okay. I went "das ist mein papa!!!" which is german for "thats my dad!!!!!"

My dad seemed genuinely delighted by this btw. the look on his face was fucking PRICELESS

i would like to beat the little german boy accusations based on my behavior before they arise. i am in fact a tall german trans girl.

however in everything except body i AM calvin from calvin & hobbes

We gotchu fam. Have some bearotonin

bearotonin-international is good serotonin

Friend, buddy, mate. It’s called bearotonin

Things that can put the fear of god into a tumblr user:

- commenting 'this post feels like it has 10k notes'

- telling OP you're investing in their posts

- tagging it as a heritage post or even tagging @hellsite-hall-of-fame

- writing the absolute worst take known to man in the comment section so OP can prepare for a week long argument taking place in their notes

- making OP realize that they made a penis typo and it's too late to correct it

Found on twitter, going to adopt this now

Writer friends, tell me how many WIPs and how many UFOs you have. I have 2 WIPs and [redacted] UFOs (jk it’s around 16 across my three main fandoms)

Disgust has absolutely no ethical weight. If you are basing your ethical positions on the emotion of disgust you should stop, it is entirely unjustified and leads to a huge amount of harm.

Word for today: wisdom of repugnance

The logical fallacy that because something disgusts you it must be bad

this is probably the funniest example of a tumblr user simply not reading the post theyre reblogging at all

Young Frankenstein (1974) dir. Mel Brooks

Going from being an introverted lurker on reddit to trying to post my own stuff here is so wild. I keep typing out a post, deleting it, then retyping because I think it's not good enough but then I look at other posts and why am I so worried?

It's like I'm at a fancy Italian restaurant and keep glancing around the room to see which hand people use to pick up the forks. But then I realize that everyone is shoveling spaghetti into their mouths using their bare hands and I'm like ah okay so I'm clearly overthinking this

This restaurant is absolute chaos and I'm giving it 5 stars

when i was a teenager it felt very revolutionary to be cruel to myself. like some kind of slow passive protest against how much everything hurt. i starved myself of sleep and food and tenderness because it felt right. it felt sharp and angry and radical and i wanted to be those things. adulthood is the realisation that the world is already working to cut into you well before you learn how to do it yourself. caring for yourself and others is the real protest

Michelle K, I Know I Deserve More