My Krishna Journey
I am third and the youngest child of my parents. My parents already had one son and one daughter and had no plans to have another child. State Government was providing benefits in those days under 'Hum Do Hamare Do' family planning scheme. My mom being a state government employee was very eager to apply for benefits, but then she found herself pregnant with me. To be honest, even though my parents were never prepared for me, they had never made me feel unwanted. Infact, my mom always joke that I am God's bonus gift for them.
Accepting this unplanned pregnancy with open mind and heart was one thing, but taking care of practical necessities was another thing. State government didn't have many facilities for third child then in order to make sure its employees stick to its family planning program. Even maternity leave was shorter than the one provided for first two pregnancies. My grandmother used to take care of my siblings during my mom's office hours when they were babies. But during my time, she had already returned to our native place to focus on my youngest uncle's education. My youngest uncle is only 3-4 years older than my brother.
When my parents were concerned how to take care of me after the maternity leave ended, help came from an unexpected quarter. A childless couple used to live in the flat across our home in the government colony. They offered to take care of me during my mom's office hours. Thus, after my mom's maternity leave ended and she returned to office, the neighbour lady, my Mausi (as I used to address her) started looking after me.
I got so attached to her that I used to spend the entire day in their house and would only return to my house for dinner and sleeping.
One day, when I was playing with other kids of the colony, few of them taunted me that my parents didn't love me and hence they sent me to the neighbour's house. They wanted to get rid of me.
That day I had returned home crying. When my mom returned from her office and found out about the reason behind my distress, she had told me about Krishna and Yashoda Maiya. My mother told me that I was not unloved or unwanted like those kids told me, but I was very fortunate like Krishna to have love of two mothers. Those kids were jealous, hence they were taunting me.
That was the day when I started my journey towards Krishna.
I was fascinated by this God, who was raised by two mothers like me. I wanted to know everything about him. I started pestering the adults in my life to tell stories about him. My mom and mausi both obliged and told me everything about him. The more I learnt, the more I was enamored with Krishna. He became my idol and my friend. I even went through a phase where I used to call my mausi 'maiya', imitating him.
But then I faced the first setback in my Krishna journey. When I wanted to play Krishna in a Janmastami program in school, I was told that being a girl, I could't be Krishna.
When I was disheartened and thought I was cut off from my friend, my parents came up with an idea to cheer me up. They called a photographer friend of theirs to our home to take pictures of me, dressed as Krishna. My mom told me that it doesn't matter what others say, Krishna doesn't care about my gender. He only cares about my feelings for him.
The lady with me is my mausi, my Yashoda Maiya and the girl is my elder sister.
During my teens, I was very well known in my school because of my academic achievements. I was the best scholar of my batch. But at the same time, I was ugly. I had baby fat, bunny teeth and spectacles. My classmates liked me as I used to help them in studies and lent them my notes. But I was also target of much subconscious jealousy. I was no pushover. I could deal with people openly being mean with me. What I found difficult to cope was the friendly mocking and teasing about the way I used to look, the way I used to walk etc. The problem was that those friends were themselves unaware of the harm they were causing to a socially inept and introverted girl, who already suffered from inferiority complex for not being cool or beautiful enough.
I tried to bottled up all my feelings and insecurities in public. But in the privacy of my home, my temper tantrums were very frequent. I was angry and frustrated most of the time.
During the lowest point of my life my childhood friend again came to my rescue.
I studied in a school run by Sri Sathya Sai Baba trust and it had a Bal Bikash subject, where they taught us about morality, ethics and different religions. Our teacher started teaching us selected Bhagavad Gita Shlokas as part of curriculum. I noticed the Shlokas had a very positive effect on me.
I remembered my mom telling me Bhagavad-Gita was spoken to Arjuna by Krishna himself. It is his words. I asked my mom to buy a book of Bhagavad-Gita for me. Even though my mom never imposed her views on me, she was still very happy. To her, my demand meant I was not becoming an atheist like my father.
She bought me a book with Sanskrit shlokas and literal Odia translation and kept it in our Puja ghar. She asked me to read a Shloka daily before going to school. When I complained this book didn't have explanations like my teacher's book had, she told me that for the first reading of Gita, we should only read the Shlokas and literal translation to understand their meaning. First we should try to understand what Krishna had said ourselves before turning to explanations by others.
When I was a kid, Krishna was an idol, a fantasy. I wanted to be like him, dress like him and act like him. But for my teenage self, Krishna was a solace, safe haven, mentor and best friend. I started sharing my feelings with me. I felt like he was there with me, encouraging me, praising my intelligence, asking me to ignore the jealousy, and telling me that I was beautiful and I didn't need anyone's validation.
Then in law college, my mom bought me another book of Bhagavad-Gita and this time with English translation to keep on my shelf.
She asked me to read it whenever I feel distressed, angry or restless. She said as an adult I would have to take many decisions and would be surrounded by doubts and confusion. This isn't just a book, but words of Krishna and I will find the answers to all the questions troubling me.
And trust me, she is completely correct. Everytime I read Bhagavad Gita I feel like, Krishna is talking to me and advising me. For adult me, Krishna has become a friend, philosopher and guide. A brother and protector who always has my back and will never let me down. I fight with him, complain to him, cries infront of him, blame and scold him. In my mind, I see him silently listening to my tirade with a amusing smile and then telling me not to worry, he will handle everything.
When I was kid, Krishna and Jagannath were separate entity for me. I don't know when they become one and same in my subconscious. Now everytime I imagine my Krishna, I see Jaga. I see him as my life-size teddy bear, sitting there in Puri, welcoming me everytime I visit him with open arms, and telling me now that I have come to him, nothing can trouble me anymore.
May be someday, I will see him in reality. Even if I see him in a dream only, I will consider myself fortunate. I know I still have a long journey to make. I have not even reached upto the halfway point. But it's okay, because the journey towards Krishna is as beautiful as the destination itself.
P.S.- thank you @dancingpotato for inspiring me to write my Krishna journey.
