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lauren

@laurenvictoria23

Sometimes when I lay down at night It still hurts. There are empty spaces here Where the flowers that you planted once grew But now they are barren and empty The shriveled up remains are far beyond repair And though they long for water No amount could ever fix How wilted they have become. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to fix things It simply cannot be done. I’ve been so angry at myself. For letting you plant flowers in me to begin with. For trusting you enough To give you all of me. Every edge and every corner was yours for the taking My soul My heart My lungs And you used me until there was nothing left. Now you plant flowers in her While the roots that remain in me slowly strangle me at night They are suffocating my veins and restricting my blood flow. And though there is no fixing here that can be done Please be a better gardener for her. Don’t forget to water her flowers That you plant in her soul In her heart and in her lungs Don’t let them die Because part of her might die along with them.
I wish I had someone I could call ‘mine’. Not because I own them, or because I am possessive, but because I want someone who was made for me, and only me. I want someone who can understand me, and even if they couldn’t, who wouldn’t mind seeking refuge from the storms in my head together, side-by-side. I want someone who is on the same page as I am, who doesn’t skip over the sentences that run on for too long, or scowl at the words they dislike, and who just wants to keep reading no matter how tedious or lachrymose the story becomes. I want someone who betters me, but who realizes that it can be done without the causticity of criticism, because I am fragile and sometimes people’s two cents just seem to originate from a spiteful place, to be honest. I wish I could meet someone who is their own person, but who is also essentially me, in a different body–maybe a more rational, clear-thinking version of me–simultaneously. I long for our souls to cross paths and for our lives to intertwine, so maybe I could wake up one day and not feel so incomplete.

three years ago i was trapped in an awful relationship with a toxic person who blamed me for her drug addition. i had to break up over the phone because every other time i’d tried to break up in person, she had coerced me into staying.

this wednesday my boyfriend drove 45 minutes out of his way just to give me coffee during my long work day like i didn’t have time to do anything but hug him and thank him. when i was close to tears with gratitude, he shrugged and said, “of course.”

things get better. you will go from standing in the shower thinking “god what if this is for the rest of my life” to “god, i hope this is for the rest of my life.” hold on, okay?