they say you shouldn't learn sex from fanfiction but what about sailing

yeah you can learn about sex from sailing

#my family has a softcore porn sailing book#about how to sail#using a naked woman with loafers and a sailor hat#as the only crewmember

I wouldn’t call it softcore porn. it is a very informative book on how to sail, with illustrative photographs. The model is not naked, she is in fact wearing her personal floatation device and her non-slip shoes, which really is the only thing you need to wear on a sailboat

Wish i was drunk at a party explaining mgs to someone

no go on

honey there’s too many vegetables in there poor people aren’t allowed to eat vegetables, what’s next, avocado toast?

Leaving out candy for my followers. Take two only!

say goodbye to all your milk duds

Week 4: Conjure Your Costume

sᴀʟᴜᴛᴇ ᴘʟᴜʀɪᴍᴀᴍ ᴅɪᴄɪᴛ. We have reached the final week of Halloween. As the veil approaches its thinnest, we turn our attention to our creatures’ festive attire. What will they wear to the Halloween feast? Some dictate a Halloween costume be silly or salacious. Others believe taking another’s identity is infinitely more serious than that. Remember, this costume needs to befit your beast. This could be humorous. We leave that in your hands. 

Either way, you know what to do: Download your template, draw, describe, sculpt, sew, or knit your beast attired. Then upload it with the tag #build a beast to add it to the menagerie. 

We thank you for enduring.

Alright bitches, time to practice drawing your best tops and bottoms. Nothing could go wrong here.

i was just thinking about kronk from the emperors new groove and i thought to myself "hey so it seems like kronk is a bottom"

and then in my head i heard kronks voice and he said "nono, im asexual."

and the thing is normally all of my thoughts happen in MY OWN voice. and the fact it said "i" not "he" makes me think that the spirit of kronk entered my head for a second to set the record straight about his sexuality. so. kronk is ace, guys.

actually no im ngl those are very different things. im obsessed with you btw.

hey um i didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this but you walked off a cliff and haven't looked down yet

I feel like this is meant as a joke but it sadly does hit home. If I just keep walking and don’t look down, maybe I won’t fall.

one of my favourite things about my boyfriend is that he's 6'4 but convinced he is a normal sized person and this does not constitute "tall"

once, if not twice, a week the card game shop he plays digimon at upload a top-4 photo best described as "gandalf and the hobbits" and every time he is genuinely baffled as to why he looks like that

told him i made this post and he's still insistent that he isn't tall

incidentally the fact i am 5'5 also comes as a shock to him at least once a day and then he inevitably asks if i'm "normally that short"

if you lean in real close you can hear his singular brain cell bouncing around like a windows screensaver

Has your boyfriend got his eyesight checked? Bc when I don’t wear my glasses I’m nice and close to the ground but when I do it’s HOLY SHIT WHY AM I THIS TALL, I’M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS, HELP ME time and it’s genuinelly terrifying.

he wears glasses he's just dumb

update to this post from yesterday:

bf: apparently only 7% of people are over 6' tall me: yes........? bf: that isn't very many. am i tall? me: i cannot believe we are having this discussion again. yes. you are tall. you are still tall. you were tall yesterday. you will be tall tomorrow bf: oh my god i'm tall aren't i me: my love the netherlands is the tallest country in the world and even there average male height is 6' 0.5". you are tall by "kingdom of giants" standards, even. but we live on "shortarse island", so... bf: AM i tall though me: you are 6ft 4

he is he's very pretty

Can he make spinach puffs? Asking for irrelevant reasons....

having watched emperors new groove (it's my favourite) he does understand this reference but also he really loves cooking so you saying this has now prompted him to look up how to make spinach puffs

which is to say that yes, he is kronk

congrats on dating the OH (Original Himbo)

All kitchen sinks should be big enough to clean the oven's grates easily.

Also the refrigerator shelves

Cookie sheets, serving platters, high chair trays, the DRAWERS from the fridge like just hook a bathtub up in the kitchen for me to hose shit down with

boyfriend is yelling because i bit into the corner of the ramen square before microwaving it

Raw ramen is surprisingly tasty

entomologists are the most fucking wild people ive ever met

i pointed out a cool wasp to one and she just picked it up with her bare hands and started showing me different features she was using to identify the species

on a walk with another one he just paused, turned, violently shoved his hand into some rotting wood and offered me a tunnel web spider like oh okay i guess-

when i was in college i did larp shit and one of the guys in the group was an entomology student and i once watched him drop directly to a plank position in the middle of a swordfight to look at a moth on the ground

This is your sign to make friends with a bunch of entomologists today

Don’t get too close or you’ll end up with a lifetime supply of freezer insects

Green Lacewing from TheWoolyWitch, 124 meters, a little less than 4oz since I can never make my singles bobbins even. The green is brighter in person but I am too tired to play with photo filters to fix it today. Ursula approves regardless.

I got done reading another one of those articles about pet parenting and a bit in it made me think. Specifically, this bit:

So, what I wanna know (from you) (in the tags/replies) is:

1. what terms do you use when referring to your relationship with your pet 2. what kind of pet are we talking about here 3. how do you refer to your pets’ relationships with your family (or do you even do that)

As for me, when I talk about my pet lizard I refer to myself as her parole officer or (less frequently) her mother. (Given her history and arrest record in the state of Florida, I really am her parole officer.) I usually refer to her as my daughter, my roommate, or my bestie. When I’m talking about her to my siblings, she is ALWAYS “your niece” as in “give your niece kisses you coward” or “don’t you dare call your niece slimy.” I think if she was a dog I wouldn’t do that but there’s something hilarious about holding up a ten pound lizard and telling my sister to say hello to her niece and to stop being rude.

I find while I don’t refer to my pets as ‘furbabies’ or whatever, I do catch myself using all the terms of affection that my very British father used for me and my siblings when we were small. so I’ll say “come here my love,” when bribing the chickens with mealworms, or say “hello sweetheart,” to my cats in the morning

wish i was gregnant so i wouldn’t have to deal with period cramps ):

No you do not the gregnancy pains are so much worse

If he’s your man why is he confirming my species identification as research grade on iNaturalist

because my man believes in public education

We used to have this little tiger. I love him. We may have had two. One day as a child we decided to let him sit on top of the lampshade, and apparently he fell in and onto the lightbulb at one point. We sadly didn’t notice until we could smell the burning and his poor little leg had melted a little bit. We fixed him up with a masking tape cast and he got to live out the rest of his days on disability. (With us, I’m not sure where he is now, but I assume he’s still milking that injury for all it’s worth)

my cat constantly wants to be on my lap getting pets but she doesnt really understand the intermediate step that requires being picked up

This is the cat, for reference

idk if this pic is making the rounds on tumblr yet but its so cute look!!

Obsessed with this tag

i have the same exact binder in my closet from the hospital and now i wanna try it as a shirt