awaiting my event of mass extinction

one time this nondescript guy came into my dunkin donuts and ordered a small black coffee with blueberry flavor shot, and for some reason that peculiar order stuck with me so much that when, seven months later, i saw him in the parking lot walking towards the door, i quickly made a small black coffee with blueberry flavor shot. he ordered it and i was already holding it. 

i would describe his demeanor that second time as “incredulous”

What the fuck who drinks that

it’s such a perfectly bonkers order because like, most unusual orders are maximalist and sugary but this one just combines the most basic drink with the most incongruous little add-on. it’s the order of a simple, regular man who has something wrong with him

Never understood why a snake is threatening to some people when you could just grab that thing and throw it as hard as possible into overhead telephone lines no problem.

This is true for anywear even the jungle

100 dvds in your home

99 dvds now

hey. dont eat that.

why is he sitting like a 14th century monarch

he is one

My dad had a brief stint on Twitter years ago where he'd exclusively post shit like "i love my horse I named oathorse because I feed him oats" "got a goat for my horse oathorse and I named him oathorse goat" "I love oathorse and oathorse goat I feed them oats"

just post after post with deliberately clunky grammar about oathorse and oathorse goat for days on end, got like zero traction except one person who replied "I hope you never stop". He stopped after a few weeks tho

(to be clear he has never owned a horse or a goat)

no, this is why she would understand, if she truely loves dr pepper so much

She did understand,,,, truly Dr Pepper will bring them all together

All I see is a turtle

The worlds hungriest animal

a car goes full speed off a cliff and explodes at the bottom and when the smoke clears it's actually just perfectly parallel parked

a second car somewhere in the world perfectly parallel parks and when you think the car is finally aligned it spontaneously combusts and explodes

the law of equivalent exchange

These look like the little soot things from that one Studio Ghibli movie.

Soot sprites!!

having anxiety is like being given permanent unwanted custody of a halter arabian. like okay buddy is it panic time again. cool you probably need more exercise and an apple and then maybe you'll calm down.

taking my stupid walks for my stupid mental health with my stupid hypervigilant brain horse

thoroughly enjoying the notes on this post because it's equal parts people with anxiety going "yeah that's what it's like" and people with arabians going "yeah that's what they're like"

that alphabet completionist blog has activated something in me so now i think i'm just gonna start making posts where it seems like a quirky little joke at first except underneath i subtly try to include all the letters. already made one but it didn't catch on so now i have to make more. i realize this might be a bit silly and pointless of me but i don't care. i wanna win the alphabet

you could at least tag me if you want to suck my dick

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

26/26

How’s it feel to be the funniest person on tumblr?

no one wears codpieces anymore

this is the next step for the gay community

That fuckin smile at the end

To the worried person in the comments: 

No, a hummingbird’s heart will not stop if it stops moving. You’re possibly thinking of Spoink, which is a Pokemon that supposedly powers its heart by bouncing, and as such can’t stop moving. Hummingbirds don’t sit often because they’re busy looking for food, but they can and do sit. The females sit on eggs in nests, after all, and they do have to sleep. 

Fun fact: the leg muscles of a hummingbird are so stripped down to save on weight that they cannot walk. They can step sideways along a branch or other perch, but they cannot go forward without taking flight.

However they absolutely do stop moving. In fact, hummingbirds hibernate! Overnight. Instead of sleeping. Because if they tried to sleep like a normal animal their hyperactive metabolism would mean that they starve to death before breakfast.

Unrelated fun fact: the primary Aztec god of war would take on the form of a hummingbird, and the souls of the bravest warriors were said to turn into hummingbirds in order to join him after death, presumably because every hummingbird is approximately four grams of pure concentrated asskicking which fears no man nor beast and will gladly throw down with somebody seventeen thousand times their size if offended.

this is a really cool post and i love seeing such a small bird but reading “No, a hummingbird’s heart will not stop if it stops moving. You’re possibly thinking of Spoink” killed me 

o spirit of thog i call upon u. assist me to not caare

i avoid printers at all costs but deep down i think i should've been a printer. life so easy. i sit there all squarelike and when someone has a minor task for me i goFUCK YOU