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It is likely you will feel the worst of your trauma only after you’re safely away from your abusers. A lot of you need to hear this and be prepared. Even if you didn’t have a strong reaction to trauma while it was going on, even if you felt like you were fine, and even if you can manage your symptoms now, once you’re safe (as in, abusers physically can’t get to you), the absolute worst of trauma will hit you because it will be finally, for the first time in your life, safe to feel it. This can mean exhaustion like you’ve never felt before, because it’s the first time you’re allowed to rest, and you don’t have to expect a sneak attack like you normally would. It can mean more panic attacks, more breakdowns, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings of terror, re-living past, feeling frozen in trauma, paralyzing, shaking, crying, having your entire body hurt and ache, your chest feeling like it’s tearing in pieces. You might experience bursts of rage and feel so irritated and restless you’ll want to jump out of your body. Your fear of the abuser will increase thousandfold and you will feel like you’d rather die than spend one additional second in their presence after what they did to you. It will become completely insane to you that you were able to live in their presence ever before.

This post-trauma effect isn’t irrational or exaggerating, if you feel this it’s because this is how horrible the trauma really was, but your were not able to feel it in the moment for several reasons; one of them is that it was unsafe to feel those things in front of abusers, they have already taught you that you will be punished for displaying trauma symptoms in front of them. To be additionally hurt in the middle of such pain would be unsurvivable. The other is that it would have killed you to feel all that as a kid. Keeping all that repressed to feel later is your body’s strategy of survival, you can only feel it now because you’re still alive in order to do it.

What you’re going thru is extreme and something nobody on the earth should be put thru. No matter what you do, do not blame yourself for your symptoms, because it’s impossible for you to cause this to yourself. Know that whoever caused this to you did it on purpose, and is absolutely evil for it. You did not deserve this. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself more comfort, more rest, more ease than ever, you do not need any additional stress, grief or self hatred in this time of your life. It is awful, and extreme, but it will get better. It wouldn’t be happening if your body didn’t estimate that you can survive it. It will come in waves, so don’t despair if you get a little better and then worse, it’s designed to allow your body a little rest before the next wave hits it, again in order to be survivable. Trust your body to know what to do, because it already pulled you thru so much trauma alive. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you.

I would probably be the worst person to give parenting advice because my standards are so low, if someone asked me how to raise a kid i would just go “don’t threaten to kill them” and if they’re a normal person they would go “what” and I would be like “yea and if they get suicidal don’t call it attetion seeking and if they self harm talk to them about it at least once without blaming them and if they get sick don’t tell them its their own fault and don’t force them to work if they’re obviously in a miserable shape and heartbroken or visibly upset and stressed” and it feels like those things should be unnecessary to say but what do I know? I’m still failing to prove that it was wrong to do these things to me.

“Don’t blame them for things they can’t possibly control, don’t accuse them of stuff they didn’t do, don’t punish them for having trauma symptoms, don’t use their pain or insecurities against them, don’t tell them that you were right when they fail at something, don’t make fun of their despair, don’t tell them they deserve to get hurt, don’t forget that they rely on you to tell them they’re valuable, don’t forget to comfort them at least sometimes and tell them everything is going to be okay, don’t insult them when they don’t know something, remember they’re a small underdeveloped human and they have no skills to cope if you lash out at them, don’t get angry if they dissociate when they’re scared, don’t physically intimidate them to frighten them into obedience, don’t threaten to kick them out, don’t yell at them when they’re crying, don’t forget to tell them that you’re proud of them.”

This is not a lot. It’s below minimum standard. How do abusive parents convince us that this.. is too much to ask for? That it is somehow hard, to not do this to a kid? This is nothing. This is demanding merely that you’re not intensely hateful and cruel to a child. They couldn’t even do that. And yet the words “you’re lucky” and “you should be grateful” fall from their lips like they don’t know they’ve been putting us thru torture all this time. You can’t not be aware that you’re doing something like that to a kid.

some lesser known things Apollo relates to/has been called:

On Worshipping Hades

There are a ton of posts out there for signs and symbols, offerings and all that. Regardless, I’m making this post because Hades is the God I receive the most asks about, and this post was highly requested.

The Basics

Offerings:

Symbols:

Ideas for the Altar:

Active Practice

Worship Etiquette:

Ideas for Active Worship:

Frequently Asked or Requested Information

Hades can help with:

You DO NOT need to:

You DO need to:

More Questions I’ve Answered

For more information on worshipping Hades–espeically devoteeism and oaths–you can check out this zine I published about Him, Pleading to Hades.

If you wish your parents had hit you and left marks on you, it means they already hurt you worse than that and you only wish you had any proof. If they put you in situation where you wish you have been physically harmed, it means you’re already tortured beyond that. Invisible abuse is worst to fight with and hardest to prove. Them getting into your head and taking away your point of view leaves deeper scar than injuries could. You’ve already been abused bad enough.

If your parents loved you, it would show in their actions. What you’re feeling, and what you’re going thru would matter to them extremely. They would never fail to notice when you’re upset, or grieving, or heartbroken. Cruelty towards you would not even be an option, they would hunt down and destroy anyone who would ever lift a finger to hurt you. They’re be ready to give you the best of everythig they have, you would be one thing they would never try to save up their resources on. They would see you as the first most important thing in the world, they would talk to you as if you’re smart, wonderful and worth all attention and knowledge in the world. You would be special to them, you would mean something to them. They would never dismiss what you’re thinking or feeling as a  matter of no importance. It would never cross their mind to endlessly call you stupid or risk hurting you with cruel and hateful jokes. They would never imply you matter less than them, or anyone else in the world. They would want to give you the best experiences, warmest memories, and all support you could need. They would never leave you feeling lost and filled with self doubt or self loathing. They would not tell you it’s your own fault when you get hurt. They would find you worthy of compassion and understanding. They would offer forgiveness for mistakes. They would want you to know they’ll be on your side no matter what.

If it’s the opposite of this, it’s not love. And you deserve this. You deserve love. Every child does.

If your parents loved you, it would show in their actions. What you’re feeling, and what you’re going thru would matter to them extremely. They would never fail to notice when you’re upset, or grieving, or heartbroken. Cruelty towards you would not even be an option, they would hunt down and destroy anyone who would ever lift a finger to hurt you. They’re be ready to give you the best of everythig they have, you would be one thing they would never try to save up their resources on. They would see you as the first most important thing in the world, they would talk to you as if you’re smart, wonderful and worth all attention and knowledge in the world. You would be special to them, you would mean something to them. They would never dismiss what you’re thinking or feeling as a  matter of no importance. It would never cross their mind to endlessly call you stupid or risk hurting you with cruel and hateful jokes. They would never imply you matter less than them, or anyone else in the world. They would want to give you the best experiences, warmest memories, and all support you could need. They would never leave you feeling lost and filled with self doubt or self loathing. They would not tell you it’s your own fault when you get hurt. They would find you worthy of compassion and understanding. They would offer forgiveness for mistakes. They would want you to know they’ll be on your side no matter what.

If it’s the opposite of this, it’s not love. And you deserve this. You deserve love. Every child does.

reblog if you’re real tired of getting hurt and would like to file a complaint

You know what, fuck you, I didn’t even want to live in your stupid house, it’s ugly and your furniture sucks, you literally brought me there and gave me no alternatives to go live in and then you’re gonna hold it over my head that you gave me a home?

You think a home is a place you dread coming back to? You think a home is a place you least want to be, and you dream of not having to go back to? You gave me no home, your house was my prison, and I will not thank you for keeping me imprisoned, and even worse, you made me feel like I was coming back there out of my own volition, and not from lack of other options, you made me feel as if I was living there on purpose, like I was subordinate to whatever was done to me there and I was not. I was fucking not. I lived there out of desperation, out of fear, out of threats and sabotage, that was not my home, it was my torture chamber, and I hate you for making it, and for damaging my life in it. Fuck your stupid house, I hope it all burns down to nothing.

so you are telling me that you had to feed your own child, that you had by your own volition? wow what a lucky child to not be murdered by starvation on purpose! They should bow to you and never hold you responsible for any kind of damage you cause to them, because after all, you didn’t kill them, and you could have! You should always get credit for not murdering your child, as murdering them is the norm! You say you also gave them a roof over their head? You mean to tell me you already had a home, and your blessed kind soul, you didn’t kick your own child out to die on the street? And your child still tries to make you feel bad for traumatizing them? Wow what an ungrateful monster, it’s clear from your insane amount of sacrifice that you had the right to do whatever you want to them, after all they’re your property, and not alive human being who has the right to survival and resources and safety from harm! You gave them clothing also? Well then you are a parent of the year, how will your child ever repay you this enormous service of being allowed to own clothing, it wouldn’t have reflected bad on you at all if you forced them to walk around wearing nothing when it was clear you could have afforded them clothes!

Sharing resources and providing living place to your children is the bare minimum, and your fucking duty. You owe that to your children. If you want credit for that much, you shouldn’t have had children at all. If you think not murdering, starving and humiliating your child is something you can hold as a leverage to threaten them, make them feel guilty, make them feel like they owe you, and force them to repay you, you’re not a parent, you’re holding your children hostage. You’re a burden on their lives, and a fucking parasite who should be disposed of. All that you own should belong to your children immediately.

Healthy vs. Abusive family environment: Chores

Healthy:

Abusive

Abusive systems will never provide children with any stability in their work, they will not provide the children with work habits, they make work as unpleasant, unrewarding and painful as possible, and completely discourage children from doing anything at all. constant criticism and insults will burden children with perfectionism and paralyzing feeling that they can’t ever do anything good enough, and that failing to do something perfectly will end up in pain. Living in abusive system will make you less willing to work, clean, or maintain your space, and will fill you with guilt for resting, relaxing or taking time for yourself. In extreme cases it can end with executive dysfunction. Doing work for others and never gaining any benefits or even getting a voice in decision making will make you more likely to not stand up for yourself in the future, and to accept doing work for others for nothing in return. It will set you up for workplace exploitation, and exploitation by your friends, associates, even acquaintances. Also, when you’re a child, it’s your parents duty to provide you with shelter and food and you are not obliged to work it off, if they say you are, they’re attempting to keep you as a house slave, and not a part of their family.

reblog if you wish you weren’t related to most of your family

if you reblog it twice the bond breaks making you free of the evil

One of the features of abusive family environment is not being allowed to talk about past events. It’s unwritten law that you’re not supposed to mention that one time when your parent screamed at you, swore and called you slurs, broke something of yours, hit you, threw something at you, threw a tantrum and punished you when you did nothing wrong, failed to support you, failed to acknowledge you as a person, dismissed all that you do like it doesn’t matter. If you mention it, and acknowledge that it’s a thing that happened, and something they’ve done, you’re risking them doing it all over agian, just to “teach you better than to mention such thing”. 

It’s normal in abusive environments to always continue as if nothing happened, as if what happened was just some kind of isolated incident that is probably not going to happen again, and you’re scared to cause it again by mentioning it. I’ve seen abusive parents throw unbeliveable amount of rage, threats and violence at their children, disappear for a while, then come back with a smile like nothing at all happened, like the event before wasn’t even real for them, making you feel like you could have just imagined it all. Children would be just so relived that the rage is over, they wouldn’t dare to mention it again, they just wanted it to not repeat. The fear of abuser gets overwhelming to the point where holding them accountable isn’t even a priority anymore, you’re not even expecting an apology or guilt over what they’ve done, you just end up feeling confused and helpless and hope to god they don’t explode again. You focus on tiptoeing around them and praying not to trigger another outburst, feeling like it could be your fault if it happens again. 

These “incidents” are never isolated or accidental, abuser can bring them on whenever they want, to get more fear and control over the household, and they know it. They’re using the outbursts intentionally to keep the rest of the family on their toes, scared and ready to obey out of fear. They know they’ll get more tiptoeing and leeway and get away with anything and get special treatment as a reward for abusive behaviour. 

Other way I’ve seen abusers deal with this is to pretend as if they’re too ashamed or too guilty to talk about those things, and everyone should stop reminding them as they already feel bad enough, of course they’re going to say it angrily, so you know that calling them out is dangerous, and then of course, do the abusive behaviour over, and over again, making is extremely doubtful about just how guilty they feel. If a person experiences guilt and shame after their behaviour, it’s unlikely they will repeat it, because it would hurt them too, so if they do repeat it, it’s more likely that their “guilt” was just a lie.

I actually thought every family had such “secrets” they’re not allowed to mention and it was common to not bring up the dirty laundry on other family members, until I heard a friend chat with their mom about something messed up that happened years and years in the past. I was shocked to hear that to them it was a completely normal thing to talk about, there wasn’t a thing that was forbidden to mention! Mentioning past events wasn’t used against anyone or to hurt anyone, it was just something to learn from and analyze and discuss, and this is normal for all events, everything should be talked about.

oh and one more thing, abuser sometimes will mention these events, but frame them as if it’s something victim did, or something that victim caused, for example “don’t make me do that again” or “yeah remember when you made me that angry and couldn’t handle it?” or they will look at the mess they made and ask who did it, or pretend victims did it instead. They’re not that delusional, they’re saying those things on purpose, because purpose of these events was to cause terror and guilt, and they’re later reinforcing it by blame shifting, and further ignoring the damage they’ve caused.

behavioural and emotional patterns of living in abuse:

if you’re experiencing most of this, you’re going through abuse. Your value isn’t in any way less than other humans, and you are absolutely not any kind of burden. You are human who is forced to live in a way humans aren’t meant to live. You are in living conditions that disable you from feeling happy, fulfilled, or even seeing yourself as a human being.  You are suffering. What is being done to you is not okay. You deserve better than this.

A few I’d like to add

When you’re tired, go slowly. Go quietly. Go timidly. But do not stop. You are tired for all the right reasons. You are tired because you’re supposed to be. You’re tired because you’re making a change. You are exhausted for all the right reasons and it’s only an indication to go on. You are tired because you’re growing. And someday that growth will give way to the exact rejuvenation that you need.

Heidi Priebe

Abusers will insist to no end that they didn’t abuse you, that you have no business calling them out, that your reactions were wrong, that you deserved it or it was for your own good, that you remembered it wrong or made the entire thing up. And you can be sure that they’re lying and you’re right. Because if their preoccupation is not making up for how much they hurt you, if they don’t care for one single second about what you’re going thru and are only trying to cover their sorry asses and distract you with their denial and attacks for long enough so you can’t call them out - they’re scum.

Benefits of not being around abusive people: