American Beauty/American Psycho

jewels on my face and i’m ready for pride

me after one glass of wine: I need to get FUCKED

emily dickinson suggestion: be so reclusive that people in your town refer to you as “the myth”

wow

Bridesmaid to a waiter: What a beautiful wedding

Waiter, about to reveal that the poor groom’s bride is a whore: Oh you haven’t heard?

“What’s tea heaven, what’s teaaaa”

Y'all soooooo annoying

“Do not be fucking gay” 😂😂 bitch I’m weak af

it says in the bible “do not be fucking gay”…….“im just playing i didn’t even write that shit” 💀

“God?” “Correct. Listen.” ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

Bless the internet

being a girl is really fucking expensive

hahahahhhAHAHAHAHhahahahahhahahah WHO IS PAYING FOR YOUR DATES

hahahahhhAHAHAHAHhahahahahhahahah WHO IS PAYING FOR OUR TAMPONS, PADS, ULTRA SOUNDS, PAP SMEARS, OB/GYN VISITS, BRAS, CLOTHES, MAKE UP, HAIR PRODUCTS TO GO ON DATES WITH FUCKERS LIKE YOU?

[cricket sounds]

*drops the mic*

Also who gets paid less to begin with?

WHOMP THERE IT IS

Why is this funny to me? I need to grow up.

Lion King 2018

why do people say “don’t be a pussy” when talking about weakness more like “don’t be a man’s ego” because you know there isn’t nothing more fragile than that

uh 

because “pussy” is the shortened form of the word “pusillanimous”, which means “timid, cowardly”

and not the slang word for the female genital region?

literally no one else knows this. nobody. 

WHAT

Sensational.

Remarkable.

it’s a real word

you: pussy

me, an intellectual: pusillanimous

my friend angella was doing a comedy gig, and as soon as she came out a guy shouted ‘can i give you my number?’ and all the crowd groaned cause it was so inappropriate but angella was like ‘yeah sure’. the guy started shouting out his number and she started entering it into her phone. the whole crowd was like woaaah. she got the whole number and then dialled it and it rang. everyone lost their shit. finally the guy answered and angella just said “hello? shut the fuck up” and it was the most incredible thing i’ve ever seen 

So some of these details are probably wrong, it happened a long time ago so I don’t remember the specifics leading up, but it was incredible. A friend of mine who does stand up was doing his bit at open mic one night, and a guy was heckling him. Just being a total asshole, and then his phone rang and he started talking loudly on his phone about how he’s at open mic and this guy isn’t funny, etc. Now the weird thing about hecklers is that they just want to be a part of something most of the time, so my friend said, “hey man, what’s your name? Can I see your phone for a second?”

The guy actually handed over his phone, and my friend hung up, and scrolled through his contact list until he found the person he was looking for. He hit dial, and starts.

“Hello? Is this [Name’s] mom? Great! It’s very nice to talk to you. I’m a comedian in the middle of my standup routine, and your son is being very rude, [lists off some of the things her son said]…. hold on, can I get you to repeat that?”

He takes the phone away, puts it in speakerphone and holds it up to the mic.

“I said, I’m sorry my son is being such an asshole.”

Everyone lost it. Fuckin’ destroyed by his own mother. My friend said it was one of his proudest moments ever.

M.F.A. (2017)

where is the lie

LMAO

God this brings back trauma

Just wanted to share this coming out story from a guy I saw on First Dates. He came out to his dad when he was 20, and then his mum when he was 21, after trying very hard to hide that part of himself and never really discussing anything like that in their household. Hearing his mother’s response after he explained all that was really gratifying. To all Muslim LGBT+ people, As-Salaam-Alaikum <3

Do these quotes REALLY have anything to do with Wonder Woman?

…

fake geek boys at it again

everyone: spiderman’s suit looks sooo fake, it doesnt even look like hes a real person!!

me: *remember this*