jason's autopsy scars cause some confusion at the red hood annual pool party
Batman the Playboy
Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinions™ and Constructive Criticisms™ on their secret-keeping.
The issue is brought up on random occasions. The most notable incident- the Justice League, including Batman, being Drunk for Bonding, and Batman, in a fit of paranoid good intentions because he CARES about these idiots, damnit, why must they be so careless, starts insulting them.
Batman, leaning heavily on the table: “GL, you’re a mess, I don’t even know where to start with you. And Arrow! Your goatee is so distinctive, it’s a wonder no one has called you out on it-“
Green Arrow, also drunk: “Alright, there’s no need to insult my awesome facial hair-”
Batman, in despair: “It’s so ugly.”
Green Arrow: (offended noises)
Green Lantern: “Okay, the only reason you know our secret identities is because you’re a rude nosy bastard who needs to know everything about us like a creepy stalker who needs an ego boost! We’re not stupid, Spooky, we’re just polite. We could figure you out easily if we wanted to. Superman can see right through your mask!”
Usually, Batman would have a good response to that. Something smart and reasonable like “villains won’t care for your privacy, I’m testing you,” or something cutting like “I don’t care enough about you to go digging, I set your secret identity as a training exercise for Robin.”
However, Batman is Drunk, because for some reason imbibing drugs that dampen higher brain function is socially acceptable and often, for some reason, expected, because it’s “team bonding” and “come on just loosen up a bit.”
So what Batman ends up saying is: “I could kiss you full on the lips in my secret identity and you wouldn’t know a thing.”
Superman, plucking the glass from Batman’s hand: “Aaaand that is enough alcohol for you!”
Batman nods. Thank God. He has finally reached the point where he is allowed to stop. He wants to go home and sleep.
Of course, Green Lantern has smelled a challenge. And Green Lantern must annoy Batman. It’s his true superpower. So, the next time they meet (sober) he brings up the issue again.
GL: “So about what you said at the party… the part where you could kiss us full on the lips without us knowing. You still confident in that without liquid courage, Spooky? Bet you your real name you can’t do it.”
Batman, regretting the fact that alcohol has ever passed his lips: “I could do it, but I will not.”
Flash, curious: “Why’s that?”
Batman: “Informed Consent. I will not risk making any of you feel violated, or manipulated, for the sake of a stupid bet and my ego.”
GA, still offended by the goatee comment, trying to back Batman into a corner: “So if we give consent, we’re fair game? Try me, Batman. Even you can’t pull this off. Anyone else game?”
Some of the Justice League laughs, raising their hands.
Flash: “Come get me, hot stuff! I’ll call you out!”
Wonder Woman: “It could be amusing.”
Martian Manhunter: “I would be far too difficult a target.”
Green Arrow: “Not just you. C’mon, Spooky, flirting well enough to get a kiss from me? I’m a classy lady.”
Black Canary: “D-class, maybe.”
Superman, wants a kiss in on the fun: 🙋🏻♂️
“So that’s it then!” Green Lantern says smugly. “Batman, if you can kiss… how many people raised their hands? Ah yes- HALF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, without anyone realizing it’s you, then you win.”
Batman scoffs and walks out, leaving the Justice League in stitches at their joke. Because- Batman? Being good enough at flirting to land a kiss on half the league, without it being forced or awkward, without them recognizing his body language, his voice, his build? How ridiculous!
The Batman is Autistic. The Batman does not understand jokes, especially not ones that are half truths. The Batman has consent, and something to prove.
And Bruce Wayne, billionaire, playboy, and sexy DILF, has targets.
(Please tell me how you think he gets each League member.)
Oliver Queen aka Green Arrow- Easy. Make out at a gala after someone says something homophobic. They're old friends, it's just fun for them at this point.
Barry Allen aka Flash- The man "rescues" him from a villain attack and Bruce just lays one on him. He plays it off as being so overwhelmed and grateful.
Dinah Lance aka Black Canary- Oliver pissed her off at a gala so she made out with his best friend in front of him. Everyone was into it but the paparazzi wouldn't shut up about it for weeks.
Hal Jordan aka Green Lantern- At a JL fundraising thing Bruce asked for a thank-you kiss for helping fund the place, and Hal took it personally. Gothamites still haven't forgiven him for the Hickey Incident.
J'onn J'onzz aka Martian Manhunter- Same JL fundraising thing two hours later, J'onn asked forgiveness for his teammate's rudeness and Bruce said he could make up for it. Very gentle, very sweet.
(Hal saw this and dragged the stupid, preening, arrogant, sexy billionaire into the nearest closet. Hence the Hickey Incident.)
Diana Prince aka Wonder Woman- The two were at a gala and Bruce said that if he could kiss her hand just once he would be die a happy man. Diana was so charmed by this weirdo that she then proceeded to kiss him for a solid five minutes, in front of everyone, including reporters. She is no longer Jason's favorite (lies).
Clark Kent aka Superman- At yet another gala, Lois made a comment as to how she'd kissed the both of them before, and Bruce decided to close the loop.
BONUS- Some of these ended in sex. I will not specify who did or did not manage to bed the Batman, but... you can guess who.
The reveal is going to be so fucking delicious
Oh my god. 🤣
I can't decide whether I want the reveal to be some dramatic thing during some terribly dangerous mission or for him to just start walking round the Watchtower in the suit but no cowl and various members of the JL just walk into walls/drop shit/blue screen when he walks past!
the latter. Definitely the latter.
Batman the Playboy
Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinions™ and Constructive Criticisms™ on their secret-keeping.
The issue is brought up on random occasions. The most notable incident- the Justice League, including Batman, being Drunk for Bonding, and Batman, in a fit of paranoid good intentions because he CARES about these idiots, damnit, why must they be so careless, starts insulting them.
Batman, leaning heavily on the table: “GL, you’re a mess, I don’t even know where to start with you. And Arrow! Your goatee is so distinctive, it’s a wonder no one has called you out on it-“
Green Arrow, also drunk: “Alright, there’s no need to insult my awesome facial hair-”
Batman, in despair: “It’s so ugly.”
Green Arrow: (offended noises)
Green Lantern: “Okay, the only reason you know our secret identities is because you’re a rude nosy bastard who needs to know everything about us like a creepy stalker who needs an ego boost! We’re not stupid, Spooky, we’re just polite. We could figure you out easily if we wanted to. Superman can see right through your mask!”
Usually, Batman would have a good response to that. Something smart and reasonable like “villains won’t care for your privacy, I’m testing you,” or something cutting like “I don’t care enough about you to go digging, I set your secret identity as a training exercise for Robin.”
However, Batman is Drunk, because for some reason imbibing drugs that dampen higher brain function is socially acceptable and often, for some reason, expected, because it’s “team bonding” and “come on just loosen up a bit.”
So what Batman ends up saying is: “I could kiss you full on the lips in my secret identity and you wouldn’t know a thing.”
Superman, plucking the glass from Batman’s hand: “Aaaand that is enough alcohol for you!”
Batman nods. Thank God. He has finally reached the point where he is allowed to stop. He wants to go home and sleep.
Of course, Green Lantern has smelled a challenge. And Green Lantern must annoy Batman. It’s his true superpower. So, the next time they meet (sober) he brings up the issue again.
GL: “So about what you said at the party… the part where you could kiss us full on the lips without us knowing. You still confident in that without liquid courage, Spooky? Bet you your real name you can’t do it.”
Batman, regretting the fact that alcohol has ever passed his lips: “I could do it, but I will not.”
Flash, curious: “Why’s that?”
Batman: “Informed Consent. I will not risk making any of you feel violated, or manipulated, for the sake of a stupid bet and my ego.”
GA, still offended by the goatee comment, trying to back Batman into a corner: “So if we give consent, we’re fair game? Try me, Batman. Even you can’t pull this off. Anyone else game?”
Some of the Justice League laughs, raising their hands.
Flash: “Come get me, hot stuff! I’ll call you out!”
Wonder Woman: “It could be amusing.”
Martian Manhunter: “I would be far too difficult a target.”
Green Arrow: “Not just you. C’mon, Spooky, flirting well enough to get a kiss from me? I’m a classy lady.”
Black Canary: “D-class, maybe.”
Superman, wants a kiss in on the fun: 🙋🏻♂️
“So that’s it then!” Green Lantern says smugly. “Batman, if you can kiss… how many people raised their hands? Ah yes- HALF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, without anyone realizing it’s you, then you win.”
Batman scoffs and walks out, leaving the Justice League in stitches at their joke. Because- Batman? Being good enough at flirting to land a kiss on half the league, without it being forced or awkward, without them recognizing his body language, his voice, his build? How ridiculous!
The Batman is Autistic. The Batman does not understand jokes, especially not ones that are half truths. The Batman has consent, and something to prove.
And Bruce Wayne, billionaire, playboy, and sexy DILF, has targets.
(Please tell me how you think he gets each League member.)
Oliver Queen aka Green Arrow- Easy. Make out at a gala after someone says something homophobic. They're old friends, it's just fun for them at this point.
Barry Allen aka Flash- The man "rescues" him from a villain attack and Bruce just lays one on him. He plays it off as being so overwhelmed and grateful.
Dinah Lance aka Black Canary- Oliver pissed her off at a gala so she made out with his best friend in front of him. Everyone was into it but the paparazzi wouldn't shut up about it for weeks.
Hal Jordan aka Green Lantern- At a JL fundraising thing Bruce asked for a thank-you kiss for helping fund the place, and Hal took it personally. Gothamites still haven't forgiven him for the Hickey Incident.
J'onn J'onzz aka Martian Manhunter- Same JL fundraising thing two hours later, J'onn asked forgiveness for his teammate's rudeness and Bruce said he could make up for it. Very gentle, very sweet.
(Hal saw this and dragged the stupid, preening, arrogant, sexy billionaire into the nearest closet. Hence the Hickey Incident.)
Diana Prince aka Wonder Woman- The two were at a gala and Bruce said that if he could kiss her hand just once he would be die a happy man. Diana was so charmed by this weirdo that she then proceeded to kiss him for a solid five minutes, in front of everyone, including reporters. She is no longer Jason's favorite (lies).
Clark Kent aka Superman- At yet another gala, Lois made a comment as to how she'd kissed the both of them before, and Bruce decided to close the loop.
BONUS- Some of these ended in sex. I will not specify who did or did not manage to bed the Batman, but... you can guess who.
The thing is.
There’s realistically no way this won’t end with an eventual identity reveal. And he knew that when he started. But he’s going to have a bit more fun before he does.
(Also, I don’t buy that Bruce would let himself get drunk enough to lose control and make a bet like that by accident. Ever. Which means the whole thing was planned as an identity reveal from the start. Because he was ready to trust them, but he also wanted to make the point. And also because he wanted to snog them.)
Six months after making the bet, about three weeks after he’s kissed the last of them and collected the whole set, at the end of the JL weekly meeting, he closes out by saying, “I won the bet.” And walks out.
What bet, they think for a moment, before remembering. Ohhhhhh.
The Flash dashes after him and catches him before he gets more than a few paces down the corridor. “What do you mean you won the bet? You can’t have kissed us all. Hey,” he addresses the rest of the JL catching up to them. “Any of you kiss the Bat?”
There’s a general scoffing and shaking of heads.
Batman huffs. “That proves I win. None of you knew it was me.”
“No, no, that’s not how it works!” cries Green Arrow. “That’s like saying you have shark repellent and you know it works because there aren’t any sharks here right now!”
“My shark repellent does work,” Batman objects. “I’ve tested it thoroughly.”
“He actually has shark repellent?” whispers Green Lantern.
“Not the point!” Green Arrow wails. “I definitely haven’t kissed you. I’d know.”
“I promise you, you did,” says Batman, a slight smirk on his face.
“Prove it,” says Superman, folding his arms. “Take off your mask.”
Batman nods. “I’ll prove it,” he agrees. ”Wonder Woman, your lasso.”
Over the sound of general objection and disappointment and dismay, Batman takes hold of the lasso and says, “In the last six months, I have kissed…”
The hallway quietens, and everyone watches the lasso avidly. “Green Arrow, The Flash, Black Canary, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, Wonder Woman, and Superman. With tongue,” Batman adds.
He’s telling the truth.
“Well shit,” says Green Lantern.
------------------
“It’s simple,” says Green Lantern, later. “Our love lives can’t overlap that much. We just need to figure out who we’ve all kissed. There’s not likely to be more than one man we’ve all shared.”
“Unless he used multiple identities,” suggested Black Canary.
The Flash groans.
“That wasn’t the terms of the bet,” Green Arrow insists. “It was supposed to be his real identity. If that’s what he did then he cheated.”
“Let us each make a list,” says Martian Manhunter quellingly. “Mine is quite short.”
Green Lantern is counting on his fingers, muttering under his breath. “…Julie… that girl at the thing… Bruce Wayne of course…”
“Of course,” agrees Martian Manhunter, nodding.
“Yeah, who hasn’t kissed Bruce Wayne?” adds Green Arrow, smirking.
There’s a moment of silence. “Wait,” says Black Canary. “Who hasn’t kissed Bruce Wayne?”
They look round at each other.
“Oh no no no no no way,” whispers The Flash.
Green Arrow throws his head back and laughs. “Yeah, right. You had me going there for a moment. Imagine, Bruce Wayne as Batman!” He dissolves in laughter again, and Black Canary and The Flash break out in giggles too.
Superman and Wonder Woman stay quiet. Superman loves his wife and has kissed only one person other than her since they started dating, and that recently and at her urging. Wonder Woman isn’t usually into men and has definitely only kissed one man in the last six months. They meet each other’s eyes for a moment, and then glance at Martian Manhunter, the only other person not laughing. He smiles at them and puts a finger to his lips.
—————
Watching on the video feed, Batman smirks. And looks forward to the moment when Green Arrow accuses him of cheating on the bet.
On the reveal, it takes all of a minute for someone to accuse him of being in a secret twin or clone situation because there’s NO WAY-
this causes enough immediate chaos they have to pull out the lasso again.
Batman the Playboy
Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinions™ and Constructive Criticisms™ on their secret-keeping.
The issue is brought up on random occasions. The most notable incident- the Justice League, including Batman, being Drunk for Bonding, and Batman, in a fit of paranoid good intentions because he CARES about these idiots, damnit, why must they be so careless, starts insulting them.
Batman, leaning heavily on the table: “GL, you’re a mess, I don’t even know where to start with you. And Arrow! Your goatee is so distinctive, it’s a wonder no one has called you out on it-“
Green Arrow, also drunk: “Alright, there’s no need to insult my awesome facial hair-”
Batman, in despair: “It’s so ugly.”
Green Arrow: (offended noises)
Green Lantern: “Okay, the only reason you know our secret identities is because you’re a rude nosy bastard who needs to know everything about us like a creepy stalker who needs an ego boost! We’re not stupid, Spooky, we’re just polite. We could figure you out easily if we wanted to. Superman can see right through your mask!”
Usually, Batman would have a good response to that. Something smart and reasonable like “villains won’t care for your privacy, I’m testing you,” or something cutting like “I don’t care enough about you to go digging, I set your secret identity as a training exercise for Robin.”
However, Batman is Drunk, because for some reason imbibing drugs that dampen higher brain function is socially acceptable and often, for some reason, expected, because it’s “team bonding” and “come on just loosen up a bit.” (Also for him, drunk=Brucie)
So what Batman ends up saying is: “I could kiss you full on the lips in my secret identity and you wouldn’t know a thing.”
Superman, plucking the glass from Batman’s hand: “Aaaand that is enough alcohol for you!”
Batman nods. Thank God. He wants to go home and sleep. But first: “Superman, yours is so stupid it’s almost impressive-”
———
Of course, Green Lantern has smelled a challenge. And Green Lantern must annoy Batman. It’s his true superpower. So, the next time they meet (sober) he brings up the issue again.
GL: “So about what you said at the party… the part where you could kiss us full on the lips without us knowing. You still confident in that without liquid courage, Spooky? Bet you your real name you can’t do it.”
Batman, regretting the fact that alcohol has ever passed his lips: “I could do it, but I will not.”
Flash, curious: “Why’s that?”
Batman: “Informed Consent. I will not risk making any of you feel violated, or manipulated, for the sake of a stupid bet and my ego.”
GA, still offended by the goatee comment, trying to back Batman into a corner: “So if we give consent, we’re fair game? Try me, Batman. Even you can’t pull this off. Anyone else game?”
Some of the Justice League laughs, raising their hands.
Flash: “Come get me, hot stuff! I’ll call you out!”
Wonder Woman: “It could be amusing.”
Martian Manhunter: “I would be far too difficult a target.”
Green Arrow: “Not just you. C’mon, Spooky, flirting well enough to get a kiss from me? I’m a classy lady.”
Black Canary: “D-class, maybe.”
Superman, wants a kiss in on the fun: 🙋🏻♂️
“So that’s it then!” Green Lantern says smugly. “Batman, if you can kiss… how many people raised their hands? Ah yes- HALF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, without anyone realizing it’s you, then you win.”
Batman scoffs and walks out, leaving the Justice League in stitches at their joke. Because- Batman? Being good enough at flirting to land a kiss on half the league, without it being forced or awkward, without them recognizing his body language, his voice, his build? How ridiculous!
The Batman is Autistic. The Batman does not understand jokes, especially not ones that are half truths. The Batman has consent, and something to prove.
And Bruce Wayne, billionaire, playboy, and sexy DILF, has targets.
(Please tell me how you think he gets each League member.)
So it’s Bruce
He knows Green Arrow is going to be on super high alert
And he knows Green Arrow will know he knows this and is probably expecting to be left for last
He isn’t first though
No, Bruce is gonna get Hal Jordan first, from SPITE (and watch Ollie staring suspiciously at every man going for a kiss for a week or two)
(Maybe he’s given Ollie a “secret” grindr profile just to encourage a little more attention in general)
(Maybe he does a public Brucie interview about the UST between billionaires in “response” to Ollie judo throwing a hopeful hunk)
(Maybe he includes digs at Lex Luthor being the least fuckable billionaire solely and specifically because it’s funny)
Hal isn’t surprised to be invited to a gala, he’s a test pilot in fucking space, he gets a lot of speaking events
He isn’t even surprised that Brucie gives him a particularly salacious wink; Bruce sets groundwork, he is a well known ho
He’s a little surprised just how easily he’s coaxed into a quick smooch and fondle behind a pillar, but it doesn’t even register as a possible Batman event, it’s just Brucie
It’s just Brucie when he dips Clark Kent behind a bush after a press conference
It’s just Brucie who traps Ollie into a “teasing” smooch to show no hard feelings, Ollie’s totally not actually homophobic he’s just bat-hunting
It’s just Brucie who sneaks a smooch from Dinah at the same event to make it “fair”
It’s just Brucie who places a kiss on Diana’s hand in greeting like he’s swearing fealty, but he usually does that
It’s just Brucie who kisses Clark again in a closet at the next press event (definitely For The Mission and not other reasons)
It’s just Brucie who tearfully thanks John Jones with several kisses after the detective returns Dick to him (Dick a happy and willing accomplice in the smooch-ocalypse)
It’s just Brucie who makes a tour of Star Labs, chats up hot young star Barry Allen, and gets half way through a quickie before being caught specifically so that every single time Flash is mouthy in future he must know Bruce is holding in jokes about speedforce
The Batman is autistic. The Batman is EXCELLENT at scripts, patterns, and putting on all the right social cues to make people think he isn’t
The Batman even puts an updated list on the League forum, updated at the beginning of each month, and Leaguers lose their fucking minds trying to work out when he got each one
Only Clark suspects Brucie, but to be fair, that’s because his JL comm goes off during kiss number six and Bruce shuts it off with one hand
He doesn’t tell the others
I love this and I really hope someone continues. I wanna see the meeting where the League finally has to admit defeat.
I just know someone is going to accuse B of cheating. I want B to have to weigh his options: let them keep believing what they want, or prove them wrong by sharing his identity. They can't deny getting a kiss from Brucie. Not when B has all the relevant tabloid articles (from Brucie getting "caught") saved in a file. Mans keeps receipts.
After a regularly scheduled JL Meeting:
Flash: Ok, Bats. It’s been 5 months; I give up. How did you manage to kiss all 7 of us within 2 months?
Green Arrow: I keep telling you! He has to be cheating. I won’t believe it without proof!
Batman: I’m not cheating. Do you all give up?
Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Black Canary, and Martian Manhunter all confirm.
Batman: Superman?
Superman: I’m pretty sure I figured it out, but it doesn’t feel right to guess when I didn’t have a clue until you shut off my JL communicator one handed in the middle of kiss number 6.
Flash: He kissed you 6 times??
Superman: It’s not like I mind.. He’s pretty.
Batman: I have proof if everyone is fine with their secret identities being outed.
Green Arrow: I have to see this. Show mine first.
Flash: This should be fun! Do mine next!
The rest of the league chimes in with agreement.
With that agreement Batman pulls up a file. A file with picture proof of all of them kissing (or more) with Bruce. Freaking. WAYNE!
Batman the Playboy
Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinions™ and Constructive Criticisms™ on their secret-keeping.
The issue is brought up on random occasions. The most notable incident- the Justice League, including Batman, being Drunk for Bonding, and Batman, in a fit of paranoid good intentions because he CARES about these idiots, damnit, why must they be so careless, starts insulting them.
Batman, leaning heavily on the table: “GL, you’re a mess, I don’t even know where to start with you. And Arrow! Your goatee is so distinctive, it’s a wonder no one has called you out on it-“
Green Arrow, also drunk: “Alright, there’s no need to insult my awesome facial hair-”
Batman, in despair: “It’s so ugly.”
Green Arrow: (offended noises)
Green Lantern: “Okay, the only reason you know our secret identities is because you’re a rude nosy bastard who needs to know everything about us like a creepy stalker who needs an ego boost! We’re not stupid, Spooky, we’re just polite. We could figure you out easily if we wanted to. Superman can see right through your mask!”
Usually, Batman would have a good response to that. Something smart and reasonable like “villains won’t care for your privacy, I’m testing you,” or something cutting like “I don’t care enough about you to go digging, I set your secret identity as a training exercise for Robin.”
However, Batman is Drunk, because for some reason imbibing drugs that dampen higher brain function is socially acceptable and often, for some reason, expected, because it’s “team bonding” and “come on just loosen up a bit.” (Also for him, drunk=Brucie)
So what Batman ends up saying is: “I could kiss you full on the lips in my secret identity and you wouldn’t know a thing.”
Superman, plucking the glass from Batman’s hand: “Aaaand that is enough alcohol for you!”
Batman nods. Thank God. He wants to go home and sleep. But first: “Superman, yours is so stupid it’s almost impressive-”
———
Of course, Green Lantern has smelled a challenge. And Green Lantern must annoy Batman. It’s his true superpower. So, the next time they meet (sober) he brings up the issue again.
GL: “So about what you said at the party… the part where you could kiss us full on the lips without us knowing. You still confident in that without liquid courage, Spooky? Bet you your real name you can’t do it.”
Batman, regretting the fact that alcohol has ever passed his lips: “I could do it, but I will not.”
Flash, curious: “Why’s that?”
Batman: “Informed Consent. I will not risk making any of you feel violated, or manipulated, for the sake of a stupid bet and my ego.”
GA, still offended by the goatee comment, trying to back Batman into a corner: “So if we give consent, we’re fair game? Try me, Batman. Even you can’t pull this off. Anyone else game?”
Some of the Justice League laughs, raising their hands.
Flash: “Come get me, hot stuff! I’ll call you out!”
Wonder Woman: “It could be amusing.”
Martian Manhunter: “I would be far too difficult a target.”
Green Arrow: “Not just you. C’mon, Spooky, flirting well enough to get a kiss from me? I’m a classy lady.”
Black Canary: “D-class, maybe.”
Superman, wants a kiss in on the fun: 🙋🏻♂️
“So that’s it then!” Green Lantern says smugly. “Batman, if you can kiss… how many people raised their hands? Ah yes- HALF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, without anyone realizing it’s you, then you win.”
Batman scoffs and walks out, leaving the Justice League in stitches at their joke. Because- Batman? Being good enough at flirting to land a kiss on half the league, without it being forced or awkward, without them recognizing his body language, his voice, his build? How ridiculous!
The Batman is Autistic. The Batman does not understand jokes, especially not ones that are half truths. The Batman has consent, and something to prove.
And Bruce Wayne, billionaire, playboy, and sexy DILF, has targets.
(Please tell me how you think he gets each League member.)
So it’s Bruce
He knows Green Arrow is going to be on super high alert
And he knows Green Arrow will know he knows this and is probably expecting to be left for last
He isn’t first though
No, Bruce is gonna get Hal Jordan first, from SPITE (and watch Ollie staring suspiciously at every man going for a kiss for a week or two)
(Maybe he’s given Ollie a “secret” grindr profile just to encourage a little more attention in general)
(Maybe he does a public Brucie interview about the UST between billionaires in “response” to Ollie judo throwing a hopeful hunk)
(Maybe he includes digs at Lex Luthor being the least fuckable billionaire solely and specifically because it’s funny)
Hal isn’t surprised to be invited to a gala, he’s a test pilot in fucking space, he gets a lot of speaking events
He isn’t even surprised that Brucie gives him a particularly salacious wink; Bruce sets groundwork, he is a well known ho
He’s a little surprised just how easily he’s coaxed into a quick smooch and fondle behind a pillar, but it doesn’t even register as a possible Batman event, it’s just Brucie
It’s just Brucie when he dips Clark Kent behind a bush after a press conference
It’s just Brucie who traps Ollie into a “teasing” smooch to show no hard feelings, Ollie’s totally not actually homophobic he’s just bat-hunting
It’s just Brucie who sneaks a smooch from Dinah at the same event to make it “fair”
It’s just Brucie who places a kiss on Diana’s hand in greeting like he’s swearing fealty, but he usually does that
It’s just Brucie who kisses Clark again in a closet at the next press event (definitely For The Mission and not other reasons)
It’s just Brucie who tearfully thanks John Jones with several kisses after the detective returns Dick to him (Dick a happy and willing accomplice in the smooch-ocalypse)
It’s just Brucie who makes a tour of Star Labs, chats up hot young star Barry Allen, and gets half way through a quickie before being caught specifically so that every single time Flash is mouthy in future he must know Bruce is holding in jokes about speedforce
The Batman is autistic. The Batman is EXCELLENT at scripts, patterns, and putting on all the right social cues to make people think he isn’t
The Batman even puts an updated list on the League forum, updated at the beginning of each month, and Leaguers lose their fucking minds trying to work out when he got each one
Only Clark suspects Brucie, but to be fair, that’s because his JL comm goes off during kiss number six and Bruce shuts it off with one hand
He doesn’t tell the others
I love this and I really hope someone continues. I wanna see the meeting where the League finally has to admit defeat.
I just know someone is going to accuse B of cheating. I want B to have to weigh his options: let them keep believing what they want, or prove them wrong by sharing his identity. They can't deny getting a kiss from Brucie. Not when B has all the relevant tabloid articles (from Brucie getting "caught") saved in a file. Mans keeps receipts.
Bruce only took the bet because he was ready to reveal his secret identity.
After some major mission, he goes to the post-mission debrief/recovery meeting and just pulls off the cowl and rests his head on his hands.
"Never want to do that again."
And the rest of the league is all 😲🙊☠️
And Bruce messes with something so that a sideshow of all the kisses start playing on every screen in the room.
(Needless to say, the mission doesn't get much discussion that day.)
He starts critiquing their awareness skills and, after some prompting, their kissing technique with each slide
Batman the Playboy
Justice League, not quite early days but before proper identity reveals, though everyone knows Batman knows theirs, bc he has Opinions™ and Constructive Criticisms™ on their secret-keeping.
The issue is brought up on random occasions. The most notable incident- the Justice League, including Batman, being Drunk for Bonding, and Batman, in a fit of paranoid good intentions because he CARES about these idiots, damnit, why must they be so careless, starts insulting them.
Batman, leaning heavily on the table: “GL, you’re a mess, I don’t even know where to start with you. And Arrow! Your goatee is so distinctive, it’s a wonder no one has called you out on it-“
Green Arrow, also drunk: “Alright, there’s no need to insult my awesome facial hair-”
Batman, in despair: “It’s so ugly.”
Green Arrow: (offended noises)
Green Lantern: “Okay, the only reason you know our secret identities is because you’re a rude nosy bastard who needs to know everything about us like a creepy stalker who needs an ego boost! We’re not stupid, Spooky, we’re just polite. We could figure you out easily if we wanted to. Superman can see right through your mask!”
Usually, Batman would have a good response to that. Something smart and reasonable like “villains won’t care for your privacy, I’m testing you,” or something cutting like “I don’t care enough about you to go digging, I set your secret identity as a training exercise for Robin.”
However, Batman is Drunk, because for some reason imbibing drugs that dampen higher brain function is socially acceptable and often, for some reason, expected, because it’s “team bonding” and “come on just loosen up a bit.”
So what Batman ends up saying is: “I could kiss you full on the lips in my secret identity and you wouldn’t know a thing.”
Superman, plucking the glass from Batman’s hand: “Aaaand that is enough alcohol for you!”
Batman nods. Thank God. He has finally reached the point where he is allowed to stop. He wants to go home and sleep.
Of course, Green Lantern has smelled a challenge. And Green Lantern must annoy Batman. It’s his true superpower. So, the next time they meet (sober) he brings up the issue again.
GL: “So about what you said at the party… the part where you could kiss us full on the lips without us knowing. You still confident in that without liquid courage, Spooky? Bet you your real name you can’t do it.”
Batman, regretting the fact that alcohol has ever passed his lips: “I could do it, but I will not.”
Flash, curious: “Why’s that?”
Batman: “Informed Consent. I will not risk making any of you feel violated, or manipulated, for the sake of a stupid bet and my ego.”
GA, still offended by the goatee comment, trying to back Batman into a corner: “So if we give consent, we’re fair game? Try me, Batman. Even you can’t pull this off. Anyone else game?”
Some of the Justice League laughs, raising their hands.
Flash: “Come get me, hot stuff! I’ll call you out!”
Wonder Woman: “It could be amusing.”
Martian Manhunter: “I would be far too difficult a target.”
Green Arrow: “Not just you. C’mon, Spooky, flirting well enough to get a kiss from me? I’m a classy lady.”
Black Canary: “D-class, maybe.”
Superman, wants a kiss in on the fun: 🙋🏻♂️
“So that’s it then!” Green Lantern says smugly. “Batman, if you can kiss… how many people raised their hands? Ah yes- HALF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE, without anyone realizing it’s you, then you win.”
Batman scoffs and walks out, leaving the Justice League in stitches at their joke. Because- Batman? Being good enough at flirting to land a kiss on half the league, without it being forced or awkward, without them recognizing his body language, his voice, his build? How ridiculous!
The Batman is Autistic. The Batman does not understand jokes, especially not ones that are half truths. The Batman has consent, and something to prove.
And Bruce Wayne, billionaire, playboy, and sexy DILF, has targets.
(Please tell me how you think he gets each League member.)
so this was basically the end of tonight’s episode right
[booking the Batplane]
Bette: How much is a flight to Central City?
Dick, typing: Looks like we can get you a ticket for $25.
Bette: That's amazing! I'll take it.
Dick: Now, are you planning on bringing that bag with you?
Bette: Oh, yeah, it has all my stuff in it.
Dick: Well, any bag does come with an additional fee of $25.
Bette: Oh, okay, yeah, I guess that's fine.
Dick: And will you be sitting in a seat during this flight or in the overhead compartment?
Bette: Excuse me?
Dick: Sitting in a seat in an additional $35.
Bette: Yes, I wanna sit in a seat!
Dick: Okay, and last but not least, how experienced would you like the pilot to be?
Bette: What does that even mean?
Dick: The default pilot is Damian, but for an additional $75 we can get you an adult.
Bette: Obviously I want the adult with a pilot's license.
Dick: Ooh, if you want Alfred it's actually another $100.
What if everyone in Gotham knows who Batman is? They all know, they just don’t say anything. It’s not something that is spoken of or acknowledged in any way, other than the occasional glance or shared look of understanding. But they all know. Except for Brucie Wayne. Lord bless their himbo sunshine child, but he seems to be the only person in Gotham that doesn’t know who Batman is. He must be protected at all costs.
Everyone in Gotham knows who Batman is. (They’re wrong)
yeah this is the plot of the movie pretty much.
Saw this tweet and had to collect Ryan Gosling’s best PR quotes for Barbie
Hey uh brand new addition
Robin Tim: I need to tell you something but I don’t want you to see me any differently or tell Batman just yet
Nightwing, thinking he’s coming out: I promise it won’t change anything
Huntress, also thinking he’s coming out: if he says anything when you do I’ll kick his ass
Oracle, also also thinking he’s coming out: just know you can tell us anything
Robin Tim, who just caused his first young justice international incident: okay so-
I’m sure Red tornado tried his best (lying)
Lion King (1994) explaining the importance of stylized 2D animation: Lion King (2019) and Cats (2019):
sethgetrecked
Kimba The White Lion (1965) explaining the importance of an original idea:
Lion King (1994) Lion King (2019) Cats (2019)
anthony-mcpartlin
Shakespeare (1564) explaining the importance of an original idea:
Kimba the White Lion (1965), The Lion King (1994), The Lion King (2019), Cats (2019):
Saxo Grammaticus (c. 1160 – c. 1220) explaining the importance of understanding that all creative work is inherently derivative once you study the oral tradition of storytelling and history and that’s okay because generations have always reformatted tropes and themes to make them relatable to their current audiences
Shakespeare (1564), Kimba the White Lion (1965), The Lion King (1994), The Lion King (2019), Cats (2019):
Tyrannosaurus rex (Late Cretaceous) explaining nothing because he’s a don’t give a fuck
when lois does something she shouldnt– like running into active crime scenes, endangering her and jimmy’s lives, or jumping off of buildings so superman will catch her– clark is forced to take drastic measures and send her to air jail for her crimes