I Wasnt Caller 9

why would you censor the ops name

women would flock to him otherwise

The (Shipped) Gold Standard // Fall Out Boy

The master of burns Yours Truly

The original “Rules” to Dua Lipa’s New Rules:

why you bake me

My Uber driver is blasting Dancing Queen and the whole car smells like weed

5 Stars

kids have no concept of anything. i walked into my kindergarten class and one kid asked me what my name was. when i said miss jones, he said “i like that name. did you know i’m in love with you”

i asked my four year old cousin how old he thought i was going to be at my next birthday and he said 8. im 23

once i told a 6 year old that i had finished school and was doing “more school” [university] and she asked “why haven’t you found anyone to marry then”

We were at a museum and I was asking for the student discount and my nine year old cousin looks up at me with his eyes wide and says “wait you’re a STUDENT??”

I used to babysit these three kids and the eldest who was around 11 at the time was talking about how adults are boring and when I told him I was an adult he said, “That’s not true, you’re my age”

our aunt teaches and she has this story about a little girl who really was always pretty quiet in class and then on the final day of kindergarten she just up and stated ‘i’m all teached now. i don’t need to be teached anymore. i’m done of being teached.’

once when i was 19, I told my little cousin that i was 19 and she looked up at me with huge eyes and went, “Does that mean you don’t have to bring an adult with you to the pool?”

My 6 year old cousin saw me driving for the first time, looked up at him mom and said “does that mean she is married now?”

I watched my dad and my niece (3 at the time) arguing over a pair of pants and whether or not they were also a dress. My neice’s argument was that they were, in fact, also a dress because they were blue.

I asked the kids in my daycare class what they thought I should be for Halloween and this little boy goes, “ooh I know! A pickle! You’d be such a good pickle”

On the first day of class with my favorite student of all time, I said, “Are you okay? You look like you have a question.” And she looked me right in the eyes and said, tremulously,

“Can a piranha eat a stapler?”

One time I was working with a kid and he looked up at me and asked “Do you have a boy?” I had no idea what he was talking about, but I told him that I did not have any boys. He looked shocked and then deeply concerned and said “Well, you better hurry up and shave your arms so you can get married; August is next month!”

I was sitting on the floor with my 3yo niece and we were playing with her younger brother’s alphabet blocks and the O had an octopus on it.  So I picked it up and asked her what it was.

“Octopus,” she said, all curls and smiles.

“And what kind of animal is an octopus?” I asked.  I was looking for “fish” or “sea creature” but I would have accepted almost anything–”weird,” “gross,” even “slimy.”  “Underwater” or “it lives in the ocean” would have also been acceptable. 

She looks me right in the eye and says, happy as a clam, “It’s a cephalopod.”

I haven’t been the same since.

oh good

why DO teenage girls go through a witch/occult phase? I had tarot cards and a spellbook and I knew a group of girls who messed with ouija boards and another who had ghost hunting equipment. “oh yeah Cindy’s just going through that girly phase where she tries to raise the dead.”

theory - we want power and know our culture doesn’t want to give us any?

Addendum: witches are one of the few cultural figures of female empowerment that don’t derive their power from their relationship to a man.

Galaxy brain: all women have suppressed magic inside them waiting to be unleashed

I’m livid

That is the most Goldblumiest thing to say. I believe it.

My favorite part is the blanket wrapped around the guy in the back because it implies that this wasn’t spur of the moment when they saw the statue, they planned this out and brought a blanket with them to the museum specifically for this photo

When you call somebody’s name but they don’t know where it’s coming from

This is genuinely frightening

You know when a horror movie has so many jokes it feels more like a comedy? This is the exact opposite of that

subway employees when i tell them i want a sub:

ladies don’t forget to fill up your water bottle and put it in the fridge before you go to bed tonight so you can have a drink as soon as you wake up tomorrow. men you can die i guess

So sad to hear about Donald Trump. My heart goes out to everyone affected by the tragedy this morning

oh no, what happened?

This morning his white house staff found him alive and well. So sad

This is also a reminder that an original cast bootleg of Hamilton is on PornHub under the title ‘Founding Fathers get Naughty in the Bedroom’

Safer than YouTube, I guess…