regrets
yes i have a few. but i cant change the past. all i can do is do better is be better show those who truly care that im not a waste of their time. thank you. i owe much to you. i hope i can be half the friend you are to me.
this is not a just another food post. things that happened before and after this photo are more important. - tonight i helped my brother make dinner (& there was a lot so that means tomorrow's lunch as well). this means that my mom can rest up and worry about nothing for once. - as we were doing our thing in the kitchen i let my brother take the lead and i followed along. it's a humbling experience for an older sibling to acknowledge the younger sibling's superiority and take direction. - when i got the chance to look up, i took in the fact that my whole family was in the same room for over two hours (us in the kitchen, them close by in the family room). we werent really talking but it was just great to be physically together. - these days it's rare for us to eat together. but we got to do that tonight. usual family chatter was comforting. - splitting work and automatically doing things without being asked is rare too. but tonight there was no need to tell anyone to do anything. we just did. getting to spend time with my family is nice. im savoring every second i can spend with them before i go away. big things are coming. i can feel it. i need to be surrounded by these people to keep me sane and stable. and yeah, the food was good too 😉.
THE season
summer 2014 has been a summer of firsts of planning of making things happen of realizing things (multiple times) of finally hitting home of true friends of strong family its not over yet. but i just wanted to remind myself that dreams do come true. plans do materialize. friendships endure. if youre willing to take the first step and jump into the unknown. nothing that is worth it will fall easily on your lap. it may if youre extremely lucky. but it will never feel the same as when you know you put your everything in it. im not there yet. but i just wanted to remind myself that people dont stop growing. people dont stop learning. its a beautiful never ending process. of falling and rising. of breaking and sticking. of coming and going. the sun is still warm but my heart has grown cold. but its okay. its fine. ill find a new fire. a different fire. that will burn longer and stronger. my own.
sacrifice
it took a lot to finally wake up i dont want to jinx it but it truly feels different now i cannot afford to lose and hurt those more important to me i cannot afford to lose and hurt me its time time for me to put me first its time time for me to refocus and adjust the way i think its time time for me to fix my eyes its going to hurt its going to take time its going to be hard but things that are worth it usually do strength to maintain courage to pursue take that first step and things will fall through let go and rest trust and believe keep your eyes focused and your soul at peace
.
big family dinners. small family desserts. briefly hanging out just standing around on the driveway talking about life and life plans. not much was really said but a lot was understood. sticking together through the roughest parts of life feeling the strong connection even when you are separated coming together even after life has pulled you apart cannot be chosen but i lucked out i won the draw i got the good ones
@you
lots of time in my hands leave me with lots of thoughts thoughts i should really pay attention to sort through figure out instead here i am steady streaming listening to things that make me "happy" but i think im actually really just blocking no one else is to blame no one else is to feel im alone in this just me no one can help and no one should help if i cant figure this out alone then it will all be useless i will never ever find the answer so just this one time let me say everything i want to say things that make me laugh things that make me cry things that make me sigh things that make me mad things that make me jealous things that make me question things writing things down ; not having to write memories down ; words and actions that are just simply stuck ; people who are happy ; people who are obviously fake ; people who are deceptively fake ; conniving bitches ; conniving sons of bitches ; ice cream ; running ; songs that transport you to a different time and place ; songs that hit the spot ; fuck it all ; fuck you all ; desperation ; inconsiderate people who cant seem to think properly ; people who SWEAR up and down that theyre ok, independent, fine ; i say fuck you ; its the worst when you dont realize it yourself ; id rather be ok than a great nothing ; dont ask me how something great can be nothing, its possible ; your negativity and judgement is dragging me down ; one week ; summer 2014 ; look me in the eyes and say what you have to say ; sometimes people who arent even your "friends" are the nicest people to you ; we are fucked up ; we fucked up ; somewhere along the way, someone did something wrong nd we chose to ignore it ; africa ; death ; imminent ; end it all ; cant we just finish it all ; im exhausted ; i am alone ; i want to be alone ; i dont want to be alone ; i am though ; i have no time to play games ; i have no time to try too hard ; if you want out, ill show you the door ; come the way you came in, no one is holding you back ; stay away from me ; make it easy and just walk away ; done ; im done
i was just thinking the other day. "hey, it's been a while since I've had to clear everything" clockwork
...
sometimes i think when i achieve someting i will feel better life will be better life will be easier but then im wrong
we need to stop it with these ecards on how were the shit or most amazing person ever or im right youre wrong.
bullshit.
I know its supposed to be a joke but its making our society blind as fuck.
accept the fact that there will ALWAYS be someone better than you. THEN you can strive harder to be better. NOT be bitter about it.
this is whats beautiful about coexisting. we mimic other people whether we like it or not. its up to us to absorb the good and leave the bad.
when we say that we are the shit. its basically saying that we have arrived. well congratu-fucking-lations. but now what. are you done now?
also, fine. if you HAVE TO say that youre bomb then you better back it up. ps. most people who ARE legit dont HAVE TO say it - it doesnt come from their mouths because they just are and people CANT NOT take notice.
I dont know where im going with this.
verbal diarrhea.
bye.
im not asking for much
just someone I can TRUST with my thoughts with my feelings with my fears with my successes with my failures
we cant help but look at other people we cant help but mingle with other people
but is there someone who will SEE me someone who will BE WITH me
is there someone I can trust
im not asking for much right?
its time
to stop thinking about you to stop worrying about you to stop prioritizing you to stop looking at you to stop looking for you
my head knows it all. its known for a long time its known all this time I just need everything else to follow
I hate the way you talk to me, And the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick, It even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, Even worse when you make me cry I hate it when you're not around, And the fact that you didn't call But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, Not even close, Not even a little bit, Not even at all.