#MeToo, #IWill, and What Comes After
Please bear with me a moment for something uncomfortable.
I haven't written anything at all about the powerful #MeToo and #IWill campaigns on Twitter and Facebook. I didn't write anything at the time because I didn't want to signal that one of the good guys who stands up for women or pat myself on the back for times when I've done so; the issue is far too serious for that sort of thing, I think.
That isn't to say that men who did those things ought to feel bad for having done them. I think people have seriously good intentions here. That said--and here's the uncomfortable part--good intentions often don't amount to much.
Fighting against the culture of pervasive sexual harassment and assault is going to require action on the part of men. And saying you'll take action isn't the same thing as *actually* taking action. From years of researching and teaching on the topic of heroism, I know a lot about bystander behavior. And one of the things that comes across loud and clear is that no one imagines themselves as a bystander in a crisis situation.
People look at a tragedy and say, “I know I’d help” or “I promise I’ll be a person you can turn to.” Except helpers remain relatively rare. And it’s not because people are bad or insincere in their desire to be a helper; it’s because standing up against injustice or rushing into danger is exceedingly hard to do in the moment. You can think about it today and you can commit to doing the hard thing, but that’s very different from actually doing it in the moment.
When the moment comes—when someone falls to the floor and needs CPR or when the boss makes inappropriate remarks about a female colleague—you have to make a snap decision...and people usually don’t have the clarity in that moment to know they’re making one of those big, important, difficult decisions. It happens too fast. You either help or you don’t; you either say something or you stay quiet. When asked about this moment later, heroes typically say something like, “I didn’t even think about it; I just did it.”
So, how do we become people who stand up and speak out? We have to practice. It feels like instinct or muscle memory for the hero because the hero has been in training for this moment for a long time. Which means that, if we’re serious about our #IWill promises, we have to start training ourselves now. We can’t expect to say we’ll do something one week in 2017 and actually do that thing five years from now, a year from now, or even next week. In fact, we need to understand that it’s almost a certainty that we won’t.
Here are two things you can do, starting today, that will make it more likely you’ll be the sort of person you want to be, the ally for the person you say you want to support:
1. Make yourself uncomfortable.
If you want to be a person who stands up to sexual harassment and abuse, you need to practice standing out...because that’s precisely what you’ll be doing when the situation arises. It’s hard to tell someone that what they’ve just said or done is inappropriate and needs to stop. It’s hard to intervene, especially if you’re dealing with a superior, a friend, or a family member, and it’s particularly hard to do all of this in public.
So practice calling attention to yourself. It’s uncomfortable to be the person who sticks out in a crowd, who isn’t going with the flow, but that’s exactly what you’ll need to do so you should start working on dealing with the awkward feeling now so you aren’t fighting the pressure to conform in the moment. The things that make you uncomfortable will be different from the things that make other people uncomfortable, so I can only offer general ideas here.
Maybe it’s wearing something that makes you stand out, like bright pink pants. Maybe it’s singing out loud when you’re walking down the street. Maybe it’s being completely honest when you’re asked for your opinion. Maybe it’s shaking hands or looking people in the eye during an entire conversation. You pick what works for you so you can practice having the experience of standing out.
By this, I mean that you should be on the look-out for opportunities to help people in small ways. Because even small, cost-free helping behavior can get you in the habit and prime you for the more costly behavior toward which we’re trying to build.
Hold doors for others, including elevator doors, especially if it means delaying yourself a little longer than you’d normally like. Return someone’s shopping cart if you’re on your way into a store and they’ve just finished loading their car. Volunteer some of your time once a week for a cause or organization that matters to you. Ask people if they need anything when you get up to get something for yourself of if you’re leaving a room to which you’ll soon return.
The idea here is to work on becoming a person who notices opportunities to assist other people, so you might need to spend less time with earbuds in or looking at your phone. The more you’re paying attention to what’s happening around you, the more you’ll see that there are lots of times when people could benefit from some help even before they ask for it.
There are other things to do, of course, and once you start thinking this way—about practicing to be the person you want to be—I’m sure they’ll start coming to you. Feel free to help me make a longer list. This is just a beginning, but beginnings can be challenging so I encourage all of us to work together to get ourselves in the habit of standing up, speaking out, and becoming available as an ally for others.