welcome

I think im the most depressed I've even been. How is that possible? I've definitely gone through worse. I think it's because I spent so many years in panic mode, fight or flight always ready watibg for the next adrenaline spike, I was in survival mode for years and now that the screaming and breaking objects, manipulation, sexual violation, is over I can breath, but what for? I'm so defeated. I have nothing left, I survived and that's it now what? I'm done. I fought the fight, im done, I don't want any of this anymore. I didn't get a prize, no reward so what am I staying for? More heart ache? I've had enough and the rainbows the come in between aren't that special they aren't worth the pain. I'm tired im defeated and the only reason I'm here is because my mother can't care for herself, but im done I can't be the mom im still a child myself. I play mom but im not even good at it and she resents me anyway. But if I die then there would be no one to care for her and although she's already rotting she'd suffer through the process more if I was dead. I hate all of this and I wish I was never born. Oh yeah did I mention my best friend is dead, she killed herself april 25 2022 and about 11:40pm who am I supposed to talk to about my suicideal ideation when the only person I could talk to about it actually followed through lol Im not gonna kill myself rn I just want to talk about it, it's comforting to know there is a "glowing exit sign" in the back, as she used to say.

Nothing helps, nothing is comforting anymore. How can I stay when I can't even find a sliver of comfort, all the thi gs the used to work just feel shitty and broken. The smoke doesn't help, the cat dosen't help, the thoughts don't help, the pills don't help, my mom dosen't help, my mom existent friends don't help

I think im the most depressed I've even been. How is that possible? I've definitely gone through worse. I think it's because I spent so many years in panic mode, fight or flight always ready watibg for the next adrenaline spike, I was in survival mode for years and now that the screaming and breaking objects, manipulation, sexual violation, is over I can breath, but what for? I'm so defeated. I have nothing left, I survived and that's it now what? I'm done. I fought the fight, im done, I don't want any of this anymore. I didn't get a prize, no reward so what am I staying for? More heart ache? I've had enough and the rainbows the come in between aren't that special they aren't worth the pain. I'm tired im defeated and the only reason I'm here is because my mother can't care for herself, but im done I can't be the mom im still a child myself. I play mom but im not even good at it and she resents me anyway. But if I die then there would be no one to care for her and although she's already rotting she'd suffer through the process more if I was dead. I hate all of this and I wish I was never born. Oh yeah did I mention my best friend is dead, she killed herself april 25 2022 and about 11:40pm who am I supposed to talk to about my suicideal ideation when the only person I could talk to about it actually followed through lol Im not gonna kill myself rn I just want to talk about it, it's comforting to know there is a "glowing exit sign" in the back, as she used to say.

Nothing helps, nothing is comforting anymore. How can I stay when I can't even find a sliver of comfort, all the thi gs the used to work just feel shitty and broken. The smoke doesn't help, the cat dosen't help, the thoughts don't help, the pills don't help, my mom dosen't help, my mom existent friends don't help

Well a yeah ago I had 2 best friend, one of them is dead and the other is now dead to me.

Dont mind me just a loser here at 27 years old hitting rocl bottom for the umpteenth time.

Id say im better of dead but thats too mobid for you GROW UP. Like you fucking care anyway it's just tje3 thought that makes you sad you wouldn't miss me you'd just tell everyone about the tragedy that happend to YOU and im sure I'd get the brunt of the blame too. I'm sorry but if you ever pull the stick otta your ass i won't be here waiting like all those other times. Im doing being treated like I don't matter when you know I'd have hid a body for you. Do all the times I've held you and been there when you cried nothing? Not nothing just not enough I guess.

Juat like your stupid crystal collection you have so many you wouldn't even notice if one was gone but you wouldn't like the idea of you collection being incomplete, im just another crystal and your life will be the same after im gone, won't even notice. So you can keep living pretentious like playing mind glames and wasting money on people you dont even like. Oh that's right you call them "family" you said i was family, turns out you don't know the meaning of the word. I may ne a fucking loser but at least I don't stand in toxic trash and pretend like i like it. Im a go rot woth my mother, she may be struggling but she dosen't like, talk shit, judge, or leave me hanging