I stole your gender. Sorry.

hey you there. yeah. YOU. go thru your followers and purge a few bots will ya? youd be doin everyone a service. so please just go and uh, report their asses, would you kindly?

Nap time in the water tower

You know, it occurs to me that the known internet phenomenon of Reddit “am I the asshole?” posts having completely misleading headers is actually a really great example of a far less known but far more common practice of extreme journalistic spin in cases where there are large monetary incentives to diminish the story in question.

Like, if you see a Reddit post titled “Am I the asshole for buying my wife a new dress?”, the post is pretty much always something totally deranged like: “I (48) really dislike the way my wife (20) dresses, because I think it’s too revealing and makes her look slutty, which was fine when we started dating five years ago, but it makes me feel like she’s going to cheat on me now that we’re married. I’ve politely asked her to get new clothes multiple times, and every time she refused because she said she liked her clothes, and didn’t want to waste money buying new ones. Yesterday I couldn’t take it anymore so I threw out a bunch of her old dresses and bought her a new one that was more modest looking. She started crying because one of the dresses I threw out had been left to her by her mom who died when she was a teen, but I couldn’t have known that it had sentimental value. She said that I should have asked, but obviously if I asked she’d have just told me not to throw out any of her clothes, including the ones that weren’t sentimental. Also, the more modest dress I bought was pretty expensive, and she never thanked me for it. Am I the asshole here, or is she being unreasonable?”

Similarly, whenever you see a headline like “Woman Wins Millions From McDonald’s Because Her Hot Coffee Was Too Hot”, if you dig a bit, you’ll almost always quickly find out that what actually happened was: A 79-year-old ordered coffee which, unbeknownst to her, was being served extremely dangerously hot, because McDonald’s was trying to have coffee that stayed warm over a long commute without spending any extra money on cups with better insulation. The coffee spilled on the old woman’s lap, giving her severe third degree burns over a huge portion of her body, including her genitals. She got to a hospital and they managed to save her life with skin grafting, but she became disabled from the accident, and her genitals and thighs were permanently disfigured. She tried to settle with McDonald’s for her medical costs, and McDonald’s refused to cover any portion of her medical expenses at all, and so she sued. At trial, the jury discovered that this same exact thing had happened seven hundred times before, and McDonald’s had still decided not to change their policy because paying out individual suits was cheaper than moderately reducing their coffee profits. As a result, the jury awarded punitive damages designed to penalize McDonald’s two days worth of their coffee profits, in addition to the woman’s medical costs.

I think it’s largely the same phenomenon, but I know a lot of people who are familiar with the first case, but don’t know to look for the second. If you see some totally outrageous “how could a person ever sue over this stupid thing?” case, you should immediately be incredibly suspicious that that’s all that actually happened, because a lot of the time, it absolutely isn’t. The people who have the most incentive to make their opponent look not only wrong, but completely crazy for having any sort of grievance at all, are often the actually unreasonable ones. 

Anyway this is all to say that if I see ANY of y’all automatically siding with McDonald’s over the recent case where 4-year-old girl was severely burned by their chicken nuggets because “hurr durr dumb kid didn’t know that chicken nuggets were hot, people sue over anything lol”, I will grab that McBoot you’re licking and shove it all the way up your McFuckingAss.

lawyer fun fact! sometimes you need to sue someone before your insurance will pay for your medical bills (because your insurance would rather the other person pay for your medical bills so they don’t have to)! sometimes you need to sue because what you’d get from insurance isn’t enough to pay for all of your medical bills! sometimes you want to change a specific thing, like a dangerous practice or defective part, and that’s not going to happen if you just ask nicely!

most truly ridiculous lawsuits get screened before they’re even filed (because someone goes to an attorney and that attorney is like “yeah you don’t have a case here”) or very shortly after they’re filed (because judges can toss out cases that have zero merit). 99% of the time, if it sounds ridiculous but somehow it went all the way to someone suing and winning in a jury trial, it probably wasn’t actually as absurd as it sounds.

it's literally all about having a primary public gender and a secondary personal gender

i love minecraft waiting behaviors. Writing on a sign and you can vaguely see your friend hopping around making spontaneous parkour out of the terrain while they wait for you to finish. writing a message in chat and having the person you’re talking to crouch right in front of you or stand as close to you as possible while they wait for you to finish. Finally finishing writing in a book only to see your friend has made several new furniture pieces and/or surrounded you in a cobblestone cube that may or may not have a sign on it. theres something so charming to it

This is hilarious to me, although it is sad that dogs being friendly is a bad thing, especially because it is so easy to trigger them back to "friend, friend, pets please".

I love drug sniffing dogs, I cook bacon before heading to the airport and the drug sniffing dogs run up and love on me. It freaks other travelers out because they think it means I'm just loaded up with drugs but I know what the signal is and they never do that. They just love the smell of bacon and it kicks them out of work mode in two seconds and they just want cuddles and pets. One TSA dude was mad at me because he had specifically never introduced his dog to bacon and now me smelling like it had ruined things and completely distracted his dog. Hey man, not my fault you didn't train your dog properly.

[ID: a pair of outstretched hands, offering a chess piece. End ID]

it's amazing how ordinary objects can become so significant to only the owner

when my aunt's best friend passed away, my younger brother was four years old. at his funeral, my brother went up to her and gave her a nickel. he told her very solemnly that it would make her feel better. she smiled for the first time in days, and tucked it in her wallet.

when my brother was 22, his best friend passed away unexpectedly. my aunt drove three hours to be there for him at the funeral. she went up to my brother, gave him a big hug, and then gave him a nickel. it was the same nickel; she had kept it in her wallet for 18 years, and now it's on a necklace that he never takes off.

what i'm trying to say is that the love you put into the world will always find its way back to you.

@pabloernesto said:

every browser except firefox runs on chromium. they are just chrome reskins. firefox is the only good browser. install firefox

in junior year of highschool my art teacher would let our ceramics class play music of our choice off of her desktop. we usually used spotify or youtube but she did have one album downloaded on her computer. it was a halloween sound effects/ambience collection. i dont remember why she had it. there was a track on there called "burning screams" which was exactly what it sounds like. just a cacophony of screams alongside crackling fire. she only let us play it on very special occasions, and we would cheer and jump with joy every time. it was like a pizza party to us

please imagine 6 teenagers with giant sad puppy eyes looking at a dear sweet 50 something year old art teacher and asking "may we please hear burning screams"

i dont know where burning screams came from. ive looked. its lost media to me. burning screams is my white whale

Track 3 "Burning Screams" on "Scary Sounds of Halloween"

Here's burning screams from this cd.

We spend so much time arguing about corsets when we could be spreading the gospel of "women's clothes DID used to have pockets and they were F*CKING HUGE and we should bring them back"

BRING

THEM

BACK.

#If you pocket can't be used to steal an entire chicken what's the point of it?

That's the spirit

A moth would be fucked if it met a stingray

Meant an anglerfish

Funny how his name is Neil Armstrong when if you think about it, to niel you dont arm strong you strong neil in the strong on the ground strong niel

i saw some comments on tiktok where people were talking bout how they found tumblr too hard to use and part of it being that there was no lack of dates so “what if you reblog or like something from five years ago?!” 

buddy… we have posts circulating still from 2011, its literally just how it is

Being on tumblr for years like:

this post is 2 years old and it’s only going to get funnier as it gets older

I have just learned that Mountain Goats are NOT, in fact, actual Goats.

I have never heard of this band. I AM in fact referring to the animal.

But wait, there’s more!

but you know what IS a goat? a musk ox

WHAT

I think this picture of my gf helping fix my car should be in the MoMa

Not me, I am pirating It's a Wonderul Life image by image by having absolutely frame perfect pausing skills.

A lot of effort for a work in the public domain, but I respect the hustle.