It's 8:11pm and I had little sleep last night, a long day at gym, work then uni. Friend has been in hospital and blows it off, not even acknowledging people worry or care. No reassurance, not caring that others do. Friends are breaking up and melting down but are uncontactable when you're falling apart yourself. You want to message or call someone to tell them how sad and useless you're feeling but you look at your contacts and just think: no, not them, it's Friday night, who's sad then. I rang in the new year alone. Christmas night, alone. I just want to be scooped up with my ball of sadness and squeezed tightly. For someone to show as much care for me that I give out freely. I ask about their parents, their lovers, remember little details about their work. I let people in under my skin like ticks and I'm leeched dry. I get so overwhelmed by work and uni, that I'm falling apart. I can't handle things anymore. I don't have even energy to be angry anymore. I'm just alone. People don't answer calls. Friends don't reply. No one messages me out of the blue to say they miss me. I keep randomly bursting into tears when I'm alone. I see snapchats of my nieces and nephews and I feel overwhelmed that I'll never have that. That no one will care enough and it's physically not enough time to finish my degree, establish a career and have a full relationship. No one wants my crazy, my "intense" personality. They like the idea. Just not me.
