LMFAOOOO ELON MUSK JUST GOT STABBED BY AN EX TWITTER EMPLOYEE

sorry I felt like lying

reblog to cast

that's the spirit

my brother had a brilliant idea that i wanted to share with other people who have four-legged family members: he trained our two cats to go directly to the door when they hear the fire alarm.

obviously at first the fire alarm sent them scrambling for cover, but he started slowly by giving them treats whenever it went off, when someone burned food or forgot to open the fireplace flu. he then progressed to calling them to the door to offer treats immediately after the alarm went off. and it actually wasn't too long before the cats voluntarily started going to the door upon hearing the alarm.

i think this was genius because in the event of a real emergency we know exactly where the cats will be and we will not have to waste precious time trying to find them to rescue them. i think this method would work equally well with dogs and probably other free-roaming pets such as rabbits, ferrets, etc. and i certainly encourage others to give it a shot!

I genuinely think @staff should give us an official Bot Kill Count where it ticks up every time a bot you reported is officially taken off by the tumblr team and when you hit a certain number you get gruesome little trophies. Gamification can be of the devil but in this particular case I need a little treat for doing my daily chore of taking out the trash

I think if you vote in a poll it should automatically reblog it and then when your followers vote they can see your answer. I think this would cause a lot of problems.

This is cursed..... sorry for this.

i hate you ai art i hate you "unalive" i hate you youtube premium i hate you twitter 8$ checkmark i hate you nfts i hate you therapy app advertisements i hate you non-chronological timelines i hate you instagram reels i hate you subtle tiktok filters that cant be turned off i hate you family bloggers i hate you ads on true crime episodes i hate you facebook i hate you vr glasses on chickens i hate you dystopian social media

[a sapphic redraw of John William Waterhouse's Lamia and the soldier for my lesbian fairytale project<3 ]

Raging Fic Recs

Hey brats, I decided it was high time to organize my favorite AOT fics into categories so I can find them easily - kind of like how Levi probably organizes his cravats. First up:

Top 25 of All Time (in alphabetical order):

Ace by Karumen

Ackerman’s Tea Shop by crinklefries

Again by Cherry

Corps-a-Corps by onthearrow

HMS Maria by Anteros

I Will Return Once More by Kanthia

Irascible by bigasstrees, rivai-lution

Listening by LunaticRay

Listing by 35g

lovely by dawnstruck

Natur geht von Lehre by Meaka

Policy of Truth by Azurehue22

Sing Vote by 35g, Misaya

Slippery When Wet by AJSbarcea

Striking Deals by Saurynn

Sugar by imawawlock

The Companion by everythingsshiny

The Laws of Survival by pasiphile

The Means by calacreda

The Program by TheRealHero

Things Fall Apart by Origin_Of_Symmetry

Touche de Désir by Shipping Eruri, TheHeartofStories

Under Duress by ClarissaNotFound, Mercury_Rising

What Lies Unseen by aelandair

Wild-Type by merkase

When you girlfriend comes back from the dead, but she doesn’t come back right.

Growing older

art by 0023atn on twitter

(Posted with permission. Reprint/edit and/or commercial use prohibited.)

my favourite gay delinquent

Okay fuck it if this post reaches 666k notes by the end of 2023 I'll practise basic self care

Why 666k? Because it's funny and impossible so good fucking luck

vvitch better have my money

payeth me what thee owe me

this is black phillip, the money goat! reblog in 10 sec and money will come your way so you can live deliciously

reblogging to live deliciously

“The stone corrupts all those who wield it, it is fueled by their ambitions and dreams. So we need someone with no ambitions, no dreams, someone who doesn’t care about what the future holds for themselves. That’s why we found you.”

The first thought, in a moment like this, probably should not have been what came to your mind. Well, fuck you too, you thought, half incredulous and half apathetic. You leaned against the doorframe with one shoulder and eyed the group of three wizened people before you. Why was it always the elderly who came with big quests or brought important items that had to be hidden away?

Also, if you didn’t care about the future, didn’t that mean you didn’t care about the stone either? You might as well give it to someone else. Maybe someone better suited than you. There was this little girl across the street who had an acorn necklace and played in puddles and always sat very still until the every last stray cat felt safe enough to eat what she brought them. Maybe the stone should go to her, she at least gave a shit.

You debated arguing or refusing, but your disinterest won out in the end. “Sure,” you answered, holding out a hand for them to plop the stone into. You weren’t scared of it, especially since it looked utterly unremarkable. If you tossed it into a river, no one would be able to tell it apart from the other rocks.

The three wizened elders, apparently the smartest of their magic circle, exchanged grave looks and you waited until they were done with their silent communication and their leader stepped forward.

“We entrust you with the Stone of Possibility, never use it and always hide it,” they said, voice solemn and carrying the sort of undertone that spoke of great importance. You blinked slowly. “Give it to no one, no matter how noble their hearts, how pitiful their tale or how silver their tongue.” You couldn’t help but imagine a genderless person sticking out their tongue dripping with mercury.

Keep reading

Every time I like or reblog a post, I leave a little bit of man residue on it

Every time I reply or add commentary to a reblog, that’s five times as much man residue

Me following your blog means your whole blog has man residue

I’m spreading it everywhere

@jaekaeyay here ya go

oh my fucking god. she’s unironically saying men have cooties

Now that this has blown up, I want everyone reblogging it to know their blog has man residue on it

Reblog to get man residue on your blog

reblog if werewolves are valid and your blog is a werewolf safe zone

john william waterhouse wanted to get fucked by a witch sooo bad

those wands r just metaphors for the strap

john william waterhouse wandering aeaea like oh boy i sure hope no morally complex seminude witches debase and humiliate me by transmogrifying me into a filthy animal 😏

waterhouse is good at one thing and one thing only and that is painting women who will absolutely step on you

actually I lied he’s also good at drawing flowers but it’s mostly women with BDE (big dom energy)

Instead of meat I eat fucking eurovision juries

- Blythe Baird

Me, chewing on my Bad Decisions™ Bagel in the corner:

The Universe: What’s that in your mouth?

Me, chewing faster:

The Universe: I said, WHAT THE FUCK IS IN YOUR MOUTH