anyone else feel like their spirit is ancient and they’ve been carrying the weight of its heartbreak for an eternity

me whenever anybody says that they like me/that i’m their friend

Things my dentist has actually said to me:

“Well, either the x-rays lied to me or you are spontaneously creating teeth. I’m going with the second one because it’s way cooler.”

“When was the last time you flossed? Your gums aren’t bleeding which means I’m either not doing this hard enough or you actually floss your teeth regularly”

“You don’t need to do a fluoride treatment I just want to go check my facebook for a second and this is the best excuse I can come up with. Don’t worry your insurance will cover it.”

“Take a whole handful of toothbrushes, I can’t order new ones in less ugly colors until these ones are gone.”

“Remember not to eat or drink anything for a half hour…or actually you know forget that go eat lemons and drink coffee right now. I make money based on peoples bad decisions, you should probably stop brushing your teeth too.”

“I became a dentist because I like making children cry and they don’t let you do that as a regular doctor.”

Chaotic neutral dentist?

i scrolled past this post 4 times until it finally hit me

I’m in a coffee shop trying not to scream

Goodness…

Danielle Brooks, body positive queen, has an insightful story to share about what it’s like when you compare your body to other women’s

If you’ve ever given in to embarrassment in public locker rooms or let your self-esteem get knocked down a notch by looking enviously at people who seem to be in “perfect” shape, Danielle Brooks has an important message for you.

Gifs: daniebb3

WATCH THE VIDEO

What has been your worst "nice guy" experience?

So, possibly one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. I mean you know how you hear the “women want him, men want to *be* him” stuff in old movies? Well I’m a man and by *god* I wanted to be this guy. Anyway!

I’m having dinner with my girlfriend at the time, and behind us are a couple on a date. It is.. not going well. Guy was being rather creepy and making some pretty inappropriate comments, the girl doesn’t look at all comfortable.

The girl finishes her appetiser really quickly, my guess is she wanted to get it over with. Guy proceeds to comment on it and says “well, least I know you can swallow right?”. Loudly.

Girl goes red and tells him that isn’t appropriate, he literally waves his hand in a “shoo” type motion and says “oh calm down I was going to find out in a few hours anyway”.

I missed her exact reply as she moved to a hushed tone, but it was fairly obvious what was being said - fuck no, fuck off, fuck this. He responded with “sweetheart I picked you up, I know where you live”. She lost the colour in her face and said nothing.

No. No. Fuck no. I’m one of those “get involved” type of people and there is no way I’m sitting here watching this go down. I get up. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m 23, fighting fit and happy to put that motherfucker through a wall. I may have had a slight temper in my youth. But anyway.

I was halfway out of my chair when a hand came down on my shoulder and I look up to this mid-50s but super fit guy who says “Easy.. I’ve got this one son”. Absolute, total confidence in his voice.. so seeing as my current plan amounted to “stab him in the neck” and I’m already thinking maybe that’s not the best idea, I sit down.

He walks over, grabs a nearby chair, flips it around and sits down with the couple. Then.. he pulls out his police ID and puts it on the table. Now the guy doesn’t have any colour in his face.

Cop: “So, I’m quietly celebrating my daughters birthday with my family when I distinctly hear you threaten this young lady, would you care to explain yourself?”

Guy: “I, ah, well, um, you see..”

Cop: “That’s what I thought. Now see, we take a *very* dim view of that kind of thing, so right now I’m deciding if I want to have some of my buddies come pick you up.”

Guy: “oh no well that…”

Cop: “But that would disrupt everyone’s dinner, so how about you hand me your ID, because I wouldn’t want you running off on me, then you go see one of the staff here and settle your bill.. the full bill now, this young lady shouldn’t go hungry on account of your poor behaviour. Or we can go with the first option, I’ll leave it up to you.”

Guy: “No no! That’s perfectly fine!” \*hands over ID, gets up and walks very quickly in the direction of the counter\*

Cop: \*while writing down the guys details\* “Sorry about that miss, I hope I’m not intruding it just seemed like you could use some help. Oh and don’t worry, if you want to pursue this further I’ll have some of the boys pick him up on his way home, we can definitely take this further.”

Girl: “No, thank you so much, I wanted to run out 30 minutes ago but he drove me here”.

Cop: \*shifts from hardarse cop to comforting father figure in about half a second\* “Well I’m here with my daughter, she’s about your age, perhaps you’d like to finish your meal with us? We can run you home afterwards if you’d like, unless you’d prefer to call someone else?”

Girl: “Oh.. that would be really nice.. thankyou so much!”

\*guy returns, so does the hardarse cop\*

Guy: “Uh so, I’ve paid the bill, if I could have my ID back..”.

Cop: “There you go.. now I have your details right here so I *highly* recommend you don’t go near or contact this young lady ever again.”

Guy: “Yes yes of course, I’m so sorry!”

The guy pretty much fled the restaurant, the girl went and sat with the cop and his family and by the time we left they were still sitting around talking and laughing about random crap.

It was hands down the best way I have ever seen anybody handle any situation, ever. That cop is my hero.

Dude. I hope that man has a great rest of his life.

This shit make noise just by looking at it.

AW GREAT now I’m googling a bunch of extinct megafauna like Arctotherium, Argentavis magnificens, and Sarcosuchus imperator

Sarcosuchus imperator: proof that crocodilian evolution DIDN’T FUCK AROUND

Purussaurus: proof that not fucking around is an art form

Argentavis magnificens: the reason sky gods had bird symbols

BEAR VS ELEPHANT:

HIS FACE SAYS IT ALL:

ARCTOTHERIUM ANGUSTIDENS: AN UPSETTING QUANTITY OF BEAR

If I had pictures of size comparisons between an Irish Elk and a human being I’d put those here because ho damn.

The Pleistocene is the reason we have nightmares.

JUST FUCKING LISTEN. 

THIS IS HALLOWEEN BUT NOT LIKE YOU KNOW IT

reblog so others can hear it!

Where the hell are the Victorian Goths they should be all over this.

*SMASHES REBLOG BUTTON*

this is some insta-reblog shit, my friends, i’m like 20 seconds in

HELL YES I LOVE THIS

What is this masterpiece?

10000000/10

@purediamondtrash for Sunny

@corruptedwhitegem @blackstardiopside @sssssick

// HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT 

YESPLEASE MM//

@pirate-god

@lauralot89

@neutralchaos1

MY SEX SONG BITCH

Before listening: I’m a little scared of how into this people are.

After listening: IF THIS SONG WAS A PERSON, I’D LET THEM FUCK ME

asdjfjshfoshdkshdjs

I REBLOGGED IN LIKE A FEW SECONDS OMG

So this has been stuck in my head ever since I heard it three days ago.

this is the polar opposite of Everybody Knows Shits Fucked

I see we’re no longer being subtle

idk what’s funnier, pets with stereotypical human names like bryan and mckayla or pets with completely ridiculous names like hamburger and concrete

counterpoint- both, one of each. “these are my cats, switchboard and gary.”

every time I see this it gets reblogged

no offence but generation Z kids are a thousand times funnier than us depressed millennials 

a timeless classic.

I can’t with this. This fucks me up every time.

Would you care for some refreshments?

oh that’s cool they made the bottles look melted into the gr-