Lay me down amongst the ashes that have been collecting my entire life as I smoke my youth away. Nothing makes sense anymore Nor do I care to make sense of it. If words are arbitrary then I give yours no meaning. The shallow pool of rain water no clearer than your intentions. Please Continue to tell me how much you dislike me Nothing more comforting then knowing how someone truly feels…

My insides are made of ash, my dear, as I wake up and smoke the day away. Our eyes meeting, locked only for a moment like the striking of a match. You kiss me and inhale, like the first drag of your favorite cigarette. Savory, sweet. But as you put your weight on top of me,I disintegrate as the ashes fall from form. Light as a feather floating down through the bed sheets, through the mattress,…

Meet me in Chicago where the summer nights are warmer than your smile. Find me in a fantasy that you’ve held close for years. the city lights will guide you towards me. The bathtub jets making the bubbly hard to swallow. As the thunder and rain roll through the night, I lay here hollow. Lusting the city, lusting the girl, lusting the long weekend away from our realities. My long night drive,…

I’ve dug my grave a time too many. So many slots and not a clue which one to finally rest in. My arms are sore from shoveling the guilt behind me, my shoulders heavy with embarrassment. I cannot keep my head up long enough to notice that you no longer smile when you look at me. I can barely remember to eat. Can I have a goal that isn’t a final resting place? Not in this economy. Living in peace…

Sometimes I dream that you still bring me tea. You walk in with the gentlest steps and the warmest smile. But when I wake up there’s no mug on my bed side table. Sometimes I can still hear us arguing in the back of my mind as if I was hearing a skit on the TV from down the hall. One day you said that it seemed to be the only time I spent with you. Comfort. Calm. Clarity. Your arms, a…

I often think of taking a knife and cutting my abdomen open. From hip to hip, just large enough for me to reach in and pull my ovaries out. Ex out my chest where my breasts used to be. I want to rid myself of anything sexual. Rid me of all sensuality. Scoop out my eyes balls out like ice cream and give the cone to the most eager child. How many licks to get to the center of my misery? You…

Everyday I approach an imaginary line that I must cross. It is a fence with a door and on the other side of the door there is every thing I want. The door is heavily guarded. There’s dogs, both stray and trained to attack. I have a pass that lets me through this door. This pass is a small privilege I had to pay for. It allows me to come and go with only little harassment. Others are not so lucky.…

Have some candy for dinner.

After that argument you’ve had

Maybe you’ll learn something about being sweet.

Rot my teeth.

Maybe then I will stop talking.

To stop opening my mouth, to hide how ugly I am.

Whah an embarrassment, to have a mouth like mine.

¿No te de vergüenza? My mother always asked.

An extra sharp tongue for deep cuts to your soul.

You have to be…

Do I walk weird? Are the dark circles under my eyes that bad? Does my presence really damper your day? Pain : neck, lower back, shoulder. Am I breathing correctly? Maybe they won’t know? (It’s pretty obvious) breakfast Can wait and lunch never happened so we’re smoking and going to sleep for dinner. Maybe later I’ll wake up for a cock and a little coffee. The chain of screaming is real. The tire…

I will never know the privilege of escape when I have been forced into survival mode. I have to work every day of my life. To build? To pay. Hard work proves strength and perseverance. Working hard makes it easy to ignore the pain. Theres no such thing as a safety net, a sharp enough blade will still finds its way through. Appreciation is a rarity. We’re forgotten. The people who you need to move…

There is no void in which I can scream into that will response with the love and affection that my healing thinks it requires.

There’s nothing holding me to this earth.

More often than not, all I want to do is forget that I exist.

I will never be fulfilling for someone. I will never be stimulating.

How can I when all my energy has been sucked away from all the trauma I’ve faced?

Yelling and screaming only disturbs the neighbors, my roommates.

No one stops to think about how I’m affected by being yelled at.

“You’re being hysterical.”

“You’re too manic.”

All I know how to do is panic.

I wish I could give you back the time.

I wish we would have put forth more effort.

Why am I the asshole for having expectations?

Did I have this coming?

When…

How many times have you lied to me?

How many times have I lied to you?

How many times do I have to let you lie to my face?

How many times have I let you lie to avoid an argument?

How many times have you done it to “spare” me?

How many hurtful words need to be said?

How much shouting needs to be done?

How have I found myself here.

How many tears do I have to shed?

How many meals do I have to skip?

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Looking into the mirror, I wonder how hard I need to stare to finally get stuck on the other side.

Wishing to disappear is the part that comes easy. Its the actual disappearing that takes some time.

My body will not decay fast enough.

In a hyper-sexual society

where you must hyper-sexualize yourself

for profit,

to survive,

I long for nothing more than for no one to ever look at me again.

Will i…

I’d rather be alone

then I wouldn’t have to see the things that you keep from me

so poorly hidden in plain sight.

I’ve been taught to turn a blind eye, to look the other way.

Maybe if we act like it didn’t happen we can pretend like the other doesn’t know.

The lies waltzing around my face, into my ear canals, rushing their way through to my brain.

I can’t pretend to be it all. I can barely be…

Smoked stained:

teeth

walls

lungs.

I  have burned holes in

clothes

mattresses

carpets

souls.

The noises that keep me up all night

alternate between

ghetto birds flapping their horrid steel wings

and

the grunts that come from sharing a bed with someone you no longer love.

A rabbit caught on the pike of a metal fence

who cares if it is a plush?

it is still laying there with it’s dead eyes staring…

I would like to know what it’s like to have someone see your flaws as room for growth instead of a problem. I would like to know what it’s like to have a healthy relationship, romantic or not. One where my partner doesn’t resort to yelling and blames it on me for being “the only person to get them to this boiling point.” One where my father doesn’t resort to putting me down and violence. One…

the uneasy feeling in my stomach,

why my hands are sweating like crazy,

my mental exhaustion,

my headache? probably from dehydration.

I can hardly form coherent sentences.

Are you even listening right now?

Who are you to declare trauma a contest and yourself the winner?

My only wish is that I didn’t exist

I have a lot to be ashamed of. There’s an endless array of mistakes that confess themselves in every tear drop I shed. My guilt mithers away at me day in and day out. Reminding me off all that fall downs with me. I have no where to run as my foot has always been caught in this snare. I can not decay fast enough to get out of your way. I’m the reason I have a bad day.