It felt appropriate with the moon in Libra.
I felt a distinct heaviness that filled my chest since morning, it took sincere effort to ground my energy and I wandered to the herbalist to seek st. john’s wort and motherwort. I typically survive by way of tinctures from wish garden (I’m in no way suggesting that this works for everyone but for me it’s revolutionary) and my order won’t arrive until after I leave to Honduras.
the weepy feelings that come after I ovulate intensify and I find myself struggling to keep momentum during my luteal phase. but I just made a big cup of tea filled with rose hips, both worts, and passionflower — and whoa do I feel mellowed out. I’m so grateful for herbs honestly and even more grateful my body responds so well to them.
the feels are present but not overwhelming and my conscious thoughts are grounded and rooted in love instead of anxious.
in other news, I sent off my care package to one of my favorite tiny people and felt a gentle sadness knowing we would be apart on his solar return. but I purchased him a build a bear experience he wanted and sent spending cash and his annual happy Hannas so I hope his day is filled with light even when we’re apart.
it’s crazy how much you can love these tiny humans, I still remember the day he was born. who would have thought it would be the first of a sea of births that I would witness later in life. he’s truly the best and I could gush for days but the most amazing thing about him is the way he loves others and himself. there’s such an awareness in his boundaries and his emotional intelligence and he’s still so young. he’s honestly amazing. again, I could gush forever but he’s the best.
me searching everywhere for reef safe sunscreen then realizing — 80% of sunscreens are NOT reef safe and it just made me so sad.
#personal#also went to the movies last night and saw Kraken#and for some reason felt more moved by the scenes of humans not caring about the ocean#doesn’t help the scuba center keeps sending me gentle yet sad reminders of how tourist disregard the reef#And to be kind#brb when I’m done being emotional
Guess I just won’t understand things for a while and I’ll have to be okay with that
you need to be earnest. you need to tell people that you love them. you need to speak on how you’re feeling honestly. you need to be sentimental. you need to stop letting the fear of other people laughing at you have so much control over how you express yourself. you need to get over yourself. you need to be embarrassing but true.
joy. • my lunch was on the other side of the river (I never get the view of NYC since I live in Manhattan) and I felt in awe. the island looks so tiny when you’re far enough.
after my postpartum visits I made my way downtown to the lower east side, and found the space that would be hosting the figure drawing class I’ve been wanting to take for quite some time. I’ve never sketched before and I was thrown into a timed series, so we have 1 minute to sketch each pose. my hands began moving quicker by the 5th pose but it was so much fun!
next up — packing which I always leave to the last minute. I fly out in a few days, and it has yet to hit me that I don’t know what the hell is happening when I land in Honduras yet. let’s hope my years of nomadic living come to use very quickly in navigating….
asked previous families to share their experiences working together for birth, need it for this fall — I was anxious. received a flurry of emails today with everyone saying yes and they’d be happy to.
don’t know why I always feel anxious about things like that when these are the same families that send me letters, and Christmas cards, and birthday flowers as gratitude for walking alongside them during birth. it feels silly in retrospect but I’m not used to asking people for things.
if I am being honest, there are very complex emotions that wash over me after my runs. I see my runs getting slowly longer and feel joy, but then I remember what I used to do before the crash. I remember running without a twinge of fear, without anticipation of pain and I felt invincible. now I run, but there’s a different tempo. I run with hesitation, an intentional slowness that remembers the coldness of my wheelchair and the pain of the first steps away from it. I run with the memory of my last run before being struck and the deep sorrow that followed in the darkness of the ICU.
and it takes every ounce of my being to ground myself in gratitude. to give into joy after each mile and to give thanks to my legs. to celebrate each time I don’t feel any pain in my back, and to remember how lucky I am.
• before the accident my miles were sub 9. Let’s see what I can do in a the next few months! coconut milk overnight oats with diced peaches and pecans with a sprinkle of cinnamon. tonight we have figure drawing wine night at the Happy Medium and I’m SO excited. I also finish one more contract today, it feels so good to finish things off on a good note.
Romantic academia:
- Going on study dates to pretty libraries, fighting to find a seat next to each other.
- On discord listening to them go through a powerpoint the night before their big presentation.
- The Arts/Humanities one proof-reading the STEM one's motivation letters/long emails.
- Reading through interesting research in bed together, sharing the one phone screen.
- Alternating between who is the one making tea for the study session. (Bonus: matching study mugs)
- Study breaks include marveling over some super niche knowledge acquired during the study session.
- Emailing an article as a pdf, and titling the email "I thought you'd find this interesting :-)"
- Celebrating together when a big assignment gets done. Setting a timer for a cuddle break when the assignment work gets too overwhelming.
Bonus: I'm a native Lithuanian speaker, and my bf really really likes the research done by a Lithuanian father-son duo. Before knowing they were related, he (with a straight face) asked me is 'Pyragas' a common last name. I laughed out loud and he was super confused, until I told him this word translates to Cake. No, Mr. Cake is not a common last name at all ahahha
happy Monday! I ran a quick 2 miles on Sunday morning because I had a full day, then sneaked in a pedicure before my postpartum visits for the day. And this AM I ran out of workout clothes so I had to prioritize getting to the laundry place as soon as it opened!
my last week in the city is bustling but it feels befitting like a celebration! I also finally booked my return flights (it sat on my to-do list for WEEKS).
onto THE list:
- set up trial days for N clients, send over sample contract for the care provider
- loop N family to admin, and make them aware of immediate point of contact until my return
- send plan to care provider for the week I’m gone, along with billing instructions
- send lactation pumping schedules to CG
- send lactation pumping schedules to GB
- finish remaining 5 templates on canva for Birth Arts Intl
- begin outline for “The First Forty Days” reflection paper
- send email to KT for scheduling G family on my return
- send email to secure back-up postpartum support options in the event a birth collides with visits
- schedule prenatal appointment for D+D for the week of my return
- send intake forms to W family before postpartum visits begin in late July
- register new forms for NPI
- contact the TreeHouse for update on taxes and dues for the next quarter
- mail A’s delayed birthday card that I forgot to give to her dad when I saw her
- mail off E’s mail package for the baby and card left behind from last snail mail
- mail off Jr’s gift package and tuck in his birthday card, $$, and gift card
- issue refund to C family via Square
- peek at Nelnet student loans to see if modifications have been made to payments
- add deadlines for program submissions for next spring onto calendar
- schedule call with CASA supervisor for my new court case now that previous one is closed
- wash delicates with new stain remover
- manicure at Blondi’s before Monday night dinner
- book hotel for overnight transfer in LC
- schedule last postpartum session with NW family
- schedule YG family for postpartum session this week
- check with SJ about where to have lunch
-follow up with J after evaluation session
- write Vera’s care and feed instructions for new sitter
- order the mat for litter catching
- buy Vera more cat food
i thought we would make it out of the summer without death work, but i received an email of an upcoming termination due to pregnancy abnormality and ahh this is heavy before i jet off. it’s ok, i have been here before but there’s no grief like that of saying goodbye to a baby you chose.
grief and joy both laid firmly at my desk on a Wednesday, waiting to be tended to. for every three babies we help bring into the world, there is at least one spirit baby roaming about trying to make it back to the ethers.
it’s the oddest wednesday, the pace is slow, but i am working through my to-do list at a remarkable rate. Vera is very clingy she likely knows i am leaving soon (luggage is out) and she keeps taking my hair clips and clothes to hide.
tonight i have back to back consultations and i will be spending the day to recover. tomorrow i finish another postpartum contract and i will be “done” with all of my summer families!
after the session a friend and i will be heading to figure drawing + wine night at a small art studio in tribeca. we had reservations at this tiny popular french place but N has a late work meeting so i will be on the hunt for a new place today.
the week of joy keeps rolling. my heart could burst.
saw the most heartbreaking scene in a laundromat. as i was bopping about doing my laundry for the first time in YEARS, i started a load and went to get coffee next door. I have a few canva projects that need to be finished and i figured laundry and work feels “right”.
this stunning girl runs in after a workout i’m guessing, hot pink running skirt and neon green sports bra. she asks me about the washer/dryer and then says thanks and hops on the phone. less than 10 mins later her partner is storming in yelling at her for using the $8 washing machine instead of the $4 washing machine. he’s saying all sorts of horrible things to her while she’s saying “it’s not a big deal, I paid for it!” and he won’t stop. he’s throwing all sorts of things at her that you just don’t say in a laundromat on a wednesday morning.
the tension was high and i had to move around them getting my clothes, but was stunned by the very public exchange…
and the sad thing is, she didn’t seem much fazed by his horrible words but rather more focused on getting him to be quiet. over $4. and maybe it’s never just about $4. but no one that loves you should ever berate you over something so small.
was sent the sweetest voice note and i laid on my bed listening to it kicking my feet in the air as if i were in middle school
“You’re not a kid anymore. You have the right to choose your own life. You can start again. If you want a cat, all you have to do is choose a life in which you can have a cat. It’s simple. It’s your right.”
— Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
today has been happening in a blur! I ran to pilates, and then did a slow walk home with a latte from Blue Bottle (the miracle cup of joe). then i had a consultation with a kind expectant family, unsure if the stars will align to where i can take them on just yet but it felt powerful to sit with the babies coming in 2024.
then i hopped on the crosstown bus to meet light in human form for lunch. the greatest life hack is to only allow kind humans into my micro-globe. it’s revolutionary and SO SO SO nourishing.
a late night gratitude blog • if i would have told younger me who lived in the treehouse without a clue where the next meal would come from that one day she would be safe, well provided for, and deeply loved in the city that never sleeps…she would have probably stared in disbelief. she probably would have thought i was absolutely mad…but this is life currently. strolling through Chinatown when the sun is shining, then a mere hour later running in the pouring rain through Soho while i cling to my emerald dress and landing in a bubble of love in sushi restaurant. a belly filled with nourishment, and a heart full of joy.
Blondi’s wasn’t able to do my manicure so I went to a tiny hole in the wall on 1st Ave. this color is called “eternal optimist” by Essie and it couldn’t be a better nail color for these next two weeks.
headed into a postpartum visit in a bit, had a very short volunteer shift at the MET (slow day), and tonight we have reservations at one of the “hip” sushi places in the West Village with a pal I haven’t seen in months.
always grateful for this tiny existence.
happy Monday! I ran a quick 2 miles on Sunday morning because I had a full day, then sneaked in a pedicure before my postpartum visits for the day. And this AM I ran out of workout clothes so I had to prioritize getting to the laundry place as soon as it opened!
my last week in the city is bustling but it feels befitting like a celebration! I also finally booked my return flights (it sat on my to-do list for WEEKS).
onto THE list:
- set up trial days for N clients, send over sample contract for the care provider
- loop N family to admin, and make them aware of immediate point of contact until my return
- send plan to care provider for the week I’m gone, along with billing instructions
- send lactation pumping schedules to CG
- send lactation pumping schedules to GB
- finish remaining 5 templates on canva for Birth Arts Intl
- begin outline for “The First Forty Days” reflection paper
- send email to KT for scheduling G family on my return
- send email to secure back-up postpartum support options in the event a birth collides with visits
- schedule prenatal appointment for D+D for the week of my return
- send intake forms to W family before postpartum visits begin in late July
- register new forms for NPI
- contact the TreeHouse for update on taxes and dues for the next quarter
- mail A’s delayed birthday card that I forgot to give to her dad when I saw her
- mail off E’s mail package for the baby and card left behind from last snail mail
- mail off Jr’s gift package and tuck in his birthday card, $$, and gift card
- issue refund to C family via Square
- peek at Nelnet student loans to see if modifications have been made to payments
- add deadlines for program submissions for next spring onto calendar
- schedule call with CASA supervisor for my new court case now that previous one is closed
- wash delicates with new stain remover
- manicure at Blondi’s before Monday night dinner
- book hotel for overnight transfer in LC
- schedule last postpartum session with NW family
- schedule YG family for postpartum session this week
- check with SJ about where to have lunch
-follow up with J after evaluation session
- write Vera’s care and feed instructions for new sitter
- order the mat for litter catching
- buy Vera more cat food
