A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes it is.” Boy: ‟I have a baseball.” Man: ‟That’s nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟That’s my dad outside.” Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?” Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes, it is..” Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.” Man: ‟That’s nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.” Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?” Boy: ‟$750.” Man: ‟Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.” The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?” The son says, ‟$1,000.” The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Dark in here.” The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

JEFF WE TALKED ABOUT THIS

okay this reminded me of the strongest human being (I use that label with some reservation) I have ever met and I still think about him like once a week because about 4 years ago on Thanksgiving night my sister, cousin, and I were going to pick up a friend about a 40 minute drive from home, and I got lost and tried to turn around on a little gravel pull-off on the side of the road, but my front tires got stuck in the snow.

we were in the middle of nowhere with no cell reception, and the only sign of life was a single, completely dark house across the road from us.

We all did our best to push the car out, and we’re strong people, but we couldn’t make it budge. Cold and stuck, we climbed back and wondered what to do. A car full of men pulled over beside us and asked if we needed help, but getting out of our locked car on a backroad at night with strange men felt like a bad idea, so we said a tow was coming and waved them along. We did that twice before finally deciding our only option was to accept the next offer for help and just risk it,

when a man came out of the house across the street.

He’d clearly been watching us and figured out why we’d been lying to people, which really surprised me & he said “it’s okay, you can stay in your car and keep the doors locked. Just start backing up when I say so.”

I had the window cracked and told him “it’s too stuck. There’s no way we’re getting out. Could you call a tow?”

And he said “just back up when I say so.”

So he walked around the front of the car, squatted, and said “okay back up,”

and I did, and

he lifted

the front of the car Into The Air. Off its front wheels, and we backed up while he essentially wheel-barrowed us back onto the road.

And we were honest to god yelling. We couldn’t help it. We just yelled until all four wheels were back on the ground and he was waving us off while we thanked him.

And then I looked at my sister and cousin & said “he REALLY told us we can KEEP our doors locked as if THAT WOULD’VE FUCKING STOPPED HIM!!!! As if he couldn’t have just RIPPED EM OFF THE HINGES.”

I later looked up the weight of my car, and it’s 3200 pounds without anything or anyone in it.

This haunts me.

the power of respecting women

this is the only valid response on this post

a comic about a worm on a string

The mashup you never thought would work

Congratu-fucking-lations.

I would pay so much to have this as a ringtone I’m not even joking.

Why?????

The face I made while listening to this was so visceral I had to draw it before reblogging it

How…dare…

I literally hate everything about this fucking website but especially this

My mouth legitimately just dropped open….

I didn’t ask for this

came for the mash-up. Reblogged for the art and the bird gif. 

girls go to college to get more knowledge. men go to svalbard to die in the polar night.

wait fr

oh my god

men when they die in svalbard

and waste fresh meat???

“what’s posted on the internet stays there forever” is true for everything except that one piece of fanart you saw when you were 10 that changed the trajectory of your life forever. you will never find that again it is gone forever

a slimegirl gemologist made of quartz slurry. you need a new crystal for your watch? okay just give her a second, no problem

no!!!!!!

all I wanted to do was to imagine a kind of girl who's made of molten crystal and has carved out a respectable niche as a small business owner...

This is horny.

Then explain this:

I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT KIND OF A NOICE PLS IT’S 3AM I’M CRYING WITH LAUGHTER SO MUCH MY NEIGHBORS WILL WAKE UP

@edgar-allan-possum

People always talk about the terrible shame of having media that was formative to their personalities which they cannot in good conscience recommend to anyone, and 90% of time they literally just mean they were into Homestuck when they were teenagers. I promise you at least half the terminally online weirdos reading this post right now have formative influences that would require much more explaining than Homestuck. Like, I used to avidly follow a shitty action figure photomanip comic by a guy whose main gig was drawing Godzilla porn. Unless we're talking at least a Unicorn Jelly here, you genuinely have nothing to worry about.

I have been bewitched by ONE middle aged man

Top tier glub shitto sentence.

okay

hi these are crocodile skinks

“Why should rich people pay more” because fuck ‘em

“So you are okay for paying more when you have money” I am not excluded from ‘fuck ‘em’ when relevant

“I am not excluded from ‘fuck ‘‘em’ when relevant” is surprisingly powerful as both a statement and philosophy

Food Delivery.

Idk why he's like this but I love him

I wouldn't be any other way! :D

Too the people in the notes asking for song recommendations:

Turkic (not mongolian, I misremembered) psytrance: Grandfather's Song by Tyurgen Kam

Mongolian Techno (Electro-Throatsinging): Xanadu by Ummet Ozcan

Country (Western) Drum'n'bass: Better than Gold by Justin Hawkes

And some other recommendations I'd give for anybody interested:

Swedish Folktronica: Gamen by Garmarna

Maori Trash Metal: Raupatu by Alien Weaponry

And finally Estonian Folk Metal: Vaid Vaprust by Metsatöll

If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen, it means that one good girl is worth $8.33 USD (2015).

thank you for this

I need the equation you used for this

It’s your basic equation substitution method. You simplify the second equation from Lil Wayne (the blue one) and plug it into the original equation from Kanye (red one) and solve for the answer (green).

I hate this website

This could be a SAT question

As someone who will never join Threads, I find there to be something exceptionally insidious about the part of its dogshit privacy practices where it collects users’ contact data.

A lot of people have my phone number, and not all of them take privacy seriously. A few of them are bound to join Threads at some point. This means I never even have to join the platform for it to collect my full name, contact info, current or past address, and reconstruct at least part of my social and/or professional circle. Despite the fact that I have never agreed to any of this, it is completely legal since people with my contact info have consented to Meta collecting their (and therefore my) info. I hate it here 🫠

There is just something so disturbing about how you can be the most privacy conscious person in the world and as long as you have friends and family Meta can still get their dirty little paws on your personal information.

mice diaries