wevansly
Did that cat just turn into a dog with a single button press?
witchcraft
sometimes you grow up and look back and the people you used to look up to seem different. it’s a messy feeling. the singer you used to idolize turns out to be just a person, and sometimes a bad one. your best friend isn’t actually that good of one: she treats you like you’re incapable of anything because she’s used to being the better one. the girl you loved is selfish and never loved you back; just loves it when she’s getting attention. the boy you grew up with doesn’t share anything in common with you.
sometimes you try and force these things to fit. sit in cafes with them and realize that you have nothing to say and nothing to do. blame yourself for being tired or hungry or distracted or all three. that this person you loved is in the right. it’s you who is wrong about everything.
but at a certain point you’re standing there and holding these precious things and you realize they need to stay precious. that if you keep trying to force them to be what they used to be, you’re forcing yourself to be who you used to be, too. and you’re different now. a better you. sometimes things need to stay in the past so they can stay good. and sometimes perspective gives you the chance to say “you know what. i think leaving is good.”
it’s not a great feeling. i’m used to being left behind. don’t like being alone. loyal to a fault. but the truth is it’s better to realize it sooner. that there are people it’s not worth it for. that you’ve been trying to see the best in but who will never open the door. that at one point you were maybe right for.
but they stayed put while you move forward.
an open letter to my body:
dear eyes, i’m sorry. i’m sorry for thinking that the deep brown curious hue of your essence was every anything less than magical. i’m sorry that my entire life your every cell has worked to let me see the beauty in the world, and all I’ve ever done is put you down. and they say that you never know how beautiful brown eyes are until you’ve loved someone who has them, but I should’ve loved myself first. and for that I am sorry.
dear hair, i’m sorry. i’m sorry for every time I resented the way you refuse to stay put, for believing that the best way to love you was to tame you. i’m sorry for every time I drew hatred from your tangled tendencies, for every time I wanted to chop you down with an axe simply so that you were out of the way. you are the part of me that dances in the wind, the part of me that grows fiercely and unapologetically. and they say that if you love something you should leave it wild. i’m sorry for not leaving you wild.
dear breasts, i’m sorry. i’m sorry because you and I have fought a long, hard battle to get to where we are today. i’m sorry for all the times I wished you were bigger, smaller, less saggy, more perky, more even, less loud. you are the very essence of my womanhood, something that is fierce and tender and strong and brave and everything I take pride in. i’m so sorry I ever treated you like anything less.
dear shoulders, i’m sorry. i’m sorry that I hid you behind long sleeves and shame for all these years. i’m sorry that something as small and insignificant as acne could make me forget your worth. i’m sorry for every time i stood with you hunched over instead of standing tall with pride, because the scars that you carry are constellations, and you are as big and ethereal as the sky.
dear thighs, i’m sorry. i’m sorry for believing that you carried too much weight, that you were ever too large to be beautiful or sexy or wanted. you are a mountain landscape, protecting the valley inside with all your might and standing strong in the face of hurricanes. you are so much more than I ever gave you credit for, and I should have wanted you all along.
dear feet, i’m sorry. i’m sorry for thinking you are anything less than resilient. you have carried me to every point in my life, every up and down. you have picked me up from every failure and the depths of hell itself. you have never given up, even when I thought that I might. you have stepped on glass and walked through fire to get me to where I am today, and I am forever grateful.
dear tummy, I am so, so sorry. i am sorry and ashamed for all the nights I cried myself to sleep because I thought you were not good enough, I am sorry for every time I compared you, beat you down, sucked you in, tried to hide you. I am sorry for every single time I even considered starving you. you are where I felt the butterflies of my first love. you expand when my voice needs to be heard. you are the powerhouse that keeps me going, and I have treated you so, so, cruelly. i’m sorry.
dear voice, i am sorry. i am sorry for all the times I let myself buy into the preconceived notion that you are not worth listening to. i am sorry for every time i silenced you instead of letting you speak. i am sorry for not singing more, speaking louder, yelling, screaming. I am sorry that I ever thought I needed to hide you under my curtain of my fear of not being accepted. you are powerful, and brave, and worth listening to. you do not deserve to be caged, and I am sorry.
dear body, i am sorry. your every cell, every second of every minute of every day goes into keeping me alive. you have loved me so well and so deeply, and I have been so blind to your worth.
I will never be able to repay you,
but I will start by choosing to love you.
