Abvolate

Something I would never fake or lie about are my feelings for you.

I know I left you and leaving was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I've realized so much things that were hard for me to accept. I put them off for so long and I hoped and hoped and wished and wished that things would change.

But the biggest realization I had to accept was that it wasn't going to change and as much as I wanted it too, I had to leave.

I'm not going to lie, it felt good. Peaceful.

But as time went on, I missed you. As at peace as I was, I wanted the chaos that came with us. I wanted the fights, the arguments, the loneliness, the sadness and anger.

Because as long as I had those, that meant that I would have you.

But I guess that's what comes with toxic relationships. We are so distant yet so close and the bond we created between all the chaos and commotion became something so significant. We had such a difficult time leaving each other.

We thought we'd be together forever, planning things we thought would come to life. The time we spent planning names and dates and we never thought would dissolve with the disattachment I decided to accept. Now, here we are. In a place so far from each other. A place that came with so much hurt that turned into hatred and more chaos.

I miss you and I know you miss me.

The things you have taught me and the things I have taught you turned into memories we never want to relive. The trauma we went through and put each other through, became something so disastrous that we think that it'll be easy to drown away with alcohol and drugs yet still lives lively in our hearts and minds.

But as toxic as we were. I'd relive it all over again.... if it meant having you.

I miss you....

I can't say I miss us because I would be saying that I miss all the lies and the cheating from the beginning. Which I do not miss. Which we did have some times where everything felt content and good with us. Where we felt like we could be together forever. Which is a rare feeling between us now. What I can say is, I wish I could have been the best in the world for you. I wish I could have been the one right in the beginning. I know I wasn't because you still had feeling for what could have been with your exes. But despite your exes, you grew to love me. You grew to see what I could be for you. We were almost there. Somewhere between almost and what could have been, we lost it and truly to the depth of my heart wish we got there. I love you until the end of me. But I am weak, not only physically but mentally and emotionally. We could have been something equally different from no other than what we could have been. Dearly, in my heart, we would have been so much better. So equally loving and mindlessly in love. You see? Life is so unfair and what we could have been is just an imagination, an illusion that we have been chasing and Dreaming of but never came to existence. If only we could start over and do it right but that is only a wish, that is in the past. What we can do is in the future. The love we have can only grow or weaken and we have that choice. I choose an undying love. In which, I feel like only you can bring. You have this undying love for me but you don't know how to express in which I do not know how too either. We both don't know what we feel but we both know we want something. 

MY SUFFERING IN A WORLD OF DARKNESS

Here I am. In a world full of sadness and chaos. A world so deeply depressing but having to live in it for the people I love and who love me back. Sacrificing my happiness and peace to be in a world of loneliness and grief.

Nothing but darkness and silhouettes telling me I'm never going to be happy. Dancing around my cold, lonely body, singing whispers of disturbing songs that turn into the little voices in my head, saying I'm alone and I will never see peace.

Surrounded by the sounds of my thoughts saying that I need to get out. But no one is listening.

I hear people in the distance laughing, talking, and loving life. I walk toward them but every step I take, I get set further behind. I run and realize that I'm getting nowhere.

I hear the silhouettes telling me to give up. Telling me to end the journey of survival. I scream out of frustration and sadness but the louder I scream, the louder the silhouettes get.

I soon come to understand that darkness will forever be by my side.

Back to falling for someone who has absolutely no interest in me....

Back to disappearing from all social media...

Back to distancing myself and back to being strangers...

I'm falling and I can't stop myself....

I won't be here when you decide that you want me.

How to detach?....

I need to detach....

I remember being 15 years old, heartbroken, listening to sad songs in my dark room with the door locked crying.

As ironically as it sounds, I want to go back to those times so badly because I was young and I wasn't so ashamed to cry my heart out.

I tend to fall for the beautiful ones.

The ones who have a beautiful face with a perfect smile.

The one with the perfect eyes and teeth.

The one with the perfect black hair, along with the perfect body.

The reality that I have learned is, they can be beautiful on the outside.

They can have the perfect face, smile, hair, teeth, eyes, etc. They can be sooooo beautiful on the outside.

But the inside, the mind, the heart. They can be troubled.

The mind can be manipulative, narcissistic, and the heart can be heartless, selfish.

That's what I have learned to be careful for. The beautiful ones are the dangerous ones.

Once an innocent soul attaches to that kind of negative energy. They are absorbed by it. They are turned into that negative energy.

You can be pure beauty from the inside, out and it can be taken away from you by the beautiful on the outside type of people.

The beautiful ones can be the dangerous ones.