no i did not do the readings. its literally winter. you're lucky i made it out of bed

kaiclye

Candy darling that’s called depression

alleycatboy

if my girl had an iron deficiency i would simply crack my bones open so she could feed on my marrow btw. if you care

adurot

Probably easier, and more sustainable, to just buy some iron supplements.

alleycatboy

that sounds stupid as fuck to me. and it completely lacks intimacy. i’d give her my liver if she asked

kaiclye

@idreamonpaper I would do this for you my iron deficient lover

aiweirdness

Undecided on a new years resolution? Try one of these AI-generated suggestions!

Record every adjective I hear on the radio.
Act like a cabbage for a month.
At 4 o'clock every day I will climb a tree.
Speak only to apples for 24 hours.
Jump in front of a moving tree.
On the day of the first snow paint a canvas red.
Dress in a way that only a ghost could love.
Make pancakes out of grass at midnight each night.
Find old man Winter, hug him and let him know everything will be ok.
Ride out of town holding a pelican.
Under every rock I come across for a month I will write "all power to the rocks".
Every day for a year, at a random time, shout "sausage".
Make a film about the last sock in the world.
Put on a red shirt and scream 'I'M NOT WEARING PANTS!' every time I leave the house.
Throw a party for insects.
Try to convince the dog next door that he is wearing a coat of moonlight.
Every time I press a button I will say 'this is my favorite'.
Search my apartment for secret doors or hidden staircases.
Wear two superman outfits at the same time.
Every time it rains I will stir my tea anti-clockwise.
Every night for a week I will wear a hat lined with lettuce.
I will begin to believe that the trees that I see everyday are my friends.
Every time a bird flies past me I will remember to breathe.
Throw a birthday party for my favorite tree.
I will from now on tell every dog I meet that I am training to be a dragon.
Every time I see a panel van pass me I will dub it a "Slice-a-Wagon."
Crawl on the ceiling like a spider for a month.
Attempt to find peace living with an army of puppets.
Wear a dinosaur costume to every public event I attend.
Go to the beach every day for a week and shout the names of colors into the ocean.
Go on a three-day backpacking trip dressed as a turnip.
Create messages that only the wind can hear by blowing on the blades of grass.
Give a piece of cloud to a complete stranger.
Make a mask out of grass and wear it while I'm sleeping.
I will now treat every worm I see as if it is an old friend.
When I hear a strange noise in an empty room I will assume someone is saying hello to me.

How I generated these

thisiswhymomworries

writing smut like

how many synonyms for “penis” do I actually know?

3tno

and how many of those synonyms am I actually willing to use

thisiswhymomworries

tier 1 (most accepted, considered sexy): cock, dick

tier 2 (generally accepted): length, manhood, member, shaft

tier 3 (clinical, too formal, but not cheesy): groin, penis, phallus

tier 4 (cheesy, barely acceptable): [insert name] Jr., dong, junk, knob, prick, rod, tool, wand, wood

tier 5 (ridiculous, unacceptable, pls don’t): anything to do with beer cans, baby-maker, bishop, choad, donger, dragon, fuck wand, fun stick, hog, johnson, jimmy, lap rocket, little [insert name], love muscle/rod/stick, meat stick, one-eyed [anything], piston, private eye, schlong, trouser snake, wiener, winkie

tier 6 (you’re literally a fourth grader): baby arm, baloney pony, beaver basher, beef whistle, custard launcher, dude piston, flesh flute, heat-seeking moisture missile, krull the warrior king, luigi, mayo shooting hotdog gun, meter long king kong dong, pig skin bus, piss weasle, purple-headed yogurt flinger, purple-helmeted warrior of love, schlong dongadoodle, single barreled pump action bollock, spawn hammer, steamin’ semen truck, tan banana, thundersword, wang doodle, whoopie stick, wing wang doodle, yogurt shotgun

the-haiku-bot

tier 3 (clinical,

too formal, but not cheesy):

groin, penis, phallus

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

alicecooperch

@kaiclye

kaiclye

Incredible

fruitrollup

i was in a thrift shop the other day and they were playing the most unsettling variations of normal christmas music, culminating in this rendition of the 12 days of christmas except it was like 12 guys all singing over each other and going “no!” and interrupting the lyrics with random other phrases until they deadass just started singing 5 golden rings to toto’s africa. can anyone confirm that this is a real song and not that i stroked so hard i astral projected into a universe where everything is somehow worse than it is here

flaminggoosememe

https://youtu.be/2Fe11OlMiz8

I remember listening to this in grade school. I am going to go get some Chinese food.

pizzopaps

this is what my anxiety attacks sound like

tchrgleek

Oh I needed this laugh this evening. Thank you so much.

honeysucklepink

In case anyone didn’t want to leave Tumblr and just hit “play”

sounddesignerjeans

now you too can be nostalgic for a game that doesn’t exist

sounddesignerjeans

secondbeatsongs

“We Didn’t Start the Fire” with every second beat removed

kelpforestdwellers

Holland day, rhino day slip and fall, so trashy Charles, do extra snake attention would you say you’re menthol?

blood song, shaved bong moved a Kai, action ride power vain, anime an electric Santa Claus!