Kaerya's Kapers

tweeted this not realizing it's just basically sam's internal monologue

So funny to see someone call a m/m/f pairing "het"....I believe in women and I believe she can have gay sex with those men. if she wants

I didn't say her name but you thought of her. Tho I may stray, the magicians fandom always has my back 😌

going from the reddit star wars fandom to the tumblr star wars fandom is giving me insane whiplash. the upside is that people aren’t bitching about every single imperfect detail in the entire franchise, but the downside is that i’ve seen more fanart of obi wan and commander cody tenderly knowing each other than i have ever wanted to in my life in the last three hours and it has probably fundamentally altered the way i interact with the entire franchise

Ever since I got a job as a security guard I can’t take heist movies seriously anymore.

Why is that?

Accurate heist movie: The Team is sneaking into a high security facility. An alarm is triggered, they freeze, prepared to knock out whoever responds to the alarm. It takes 40 minutes for someone to respond. When they finally do show up, they shuffle along, annoyed, arms full of 16 bags of pretzels for some reason, and reset the alarm without bothering to check their surroundings. They report that the alarm went off in error. Security control starts a fight about the correct designation of the door. The guard announces that they’re leaving the alarm key in the alarm because it’s always going off for no reason. No one challenges them on this. They shuffle away, leaving an alarm key and several bags of pretzels behind.

The Team knocks out a security guard and steals their radio. The team mimic can perfectly replicate the knocked out guard’s voice. They get caught because they pronounced the name of the company correctly.

The Team disables an alarm. The only way to do this is to rip it out of the wall and disassemble it until it physically can’t make noise anymore. This very loud process is clearly heard by the posted security guard nearby, who rolls their eyes and text their supervisor that the logistics contractors are fooling with the alarms again.

The Team breaks into the facility at night. There they meet a single security guard who is chanting potential names for NPCs in their DnD campaign out loud while they do their patrols. They encounter a fire extinguisher. They pause in their chanting to check that it is properly charged and to apply a sticker that reads, “Anal use only”. This guy is disgustingly good at their job. There’s no way around it, they’re going to catch you. And you’re going to have to deal with the fact that you’ve been had by someone who has a supply of stickers that say “Anal use only” and who unironically wanted to name their NPC shopkeep Mammogrammus.

The Team attempts to bribe a security guard. This is its own post but know there’s no way in hell that would work.

The Team breaks into the high security room and disables all the alarms. Security control sends several guards to investigate why there are no alarms going off.

The Team attempts to break into the high security room but can’t because it’s randomly decided not to let anyone at all in today.

The Team steals a keycard with “””””unlimited””””” access to the facility and gets caught because the computer system that manages keycards randomly revokes access for no reason.

The Team walks past a security guard in broad daylight wearing T-shirts that say, “We are here to rob you”. The security guard does nothing, having seen several people in logistics wearing that exact shirt two days prior.

This sounds like a great movie, honestly

I will always remember that when I worked for a pharmaceutical company in IT, there were massive security procedures, systems with air gaps, locations with biometric scanners and metal detectors and locking revolving doors, but the highest level of security was a human being in a bulletproof proof room with line of sight to the door and a button. To /get/ to the door, you had to go through tons of other layers and badge access and identity verification, but the final lock was a dual physical key (which required two people to open) and a human being with a book of photographs and a button to push.

At the onset of the 2008-onward recession it became more or less impossible to get the sort of summer gig that college students traditionally get. I couldn’t get a callback from any of the area fast food restaurants, the babysitting gigs were gone, I drew blanks on waitressing, dishwashing, landscaping, car washes, summer camps, you name it. The big local summer attraction near me is a horse racetrack, and I put in apps for every position from betting clerk to horse manure removal tech. I got one (1) job offer that summer, and it was to be a security guard. I was a 19 year old girl with a perky ponytail, big ol’ doe eyes, and no experience or interest whatsoever in policing, so I genuinely thought I’d gotten the offer because they’d confused my application with someone else’s… until the first day of training.

Training consisted of a number of retired high ranking New York State Troopers very earnestly trying to convince a room of “dudes who desperately wanted to be a cop but couldn’t jump even that low hurdle” and also “one increasingly incredulous 19 year old girl who could only hear a loud high pitched note in one ear because she stood too close to her amps at the punk show last night” not to bring swords, shurukens, or butterfly knives into work.

We went over the “do not bring in your own weapons” lecture for the majority of day 1 of training. Day 2 was also “do not bring in your own weapons” for a lot of the day, then we moved onto “identifying the different types of fire extinguisher,” and wrapped up the day with “wasp stings.” Well, actually during “wasp stings” we had a sidebar when this one guard who looked like Ben Franklin raised his hand and shared that he, personally, took care of wasps by blowing their nests up with improvised gasoline-based explosives, so technically we wrapped up the day with “do not bring in your own weapons even if those weapons are to harm a wasp.”

Day 3 was a half day, where we reviewed everything we’d learned about no weapons, fire extinguishers, and wasps, and then we took a written test, which I finished with a perfect score in three minutes so Sargeant Minetti made me grade everyone else’s. After that, I was a full ass security guard; I picked up my fake cop uniform, badge(!!!), tiny notebook, strapped a walkie to my belt, and was given my assignment. My beat was very very literally the most public facing one that existed; while most of my colleagues were posted at gates that might never get opened for the entire summer, I had “the wholeass quarter mile of pavement abutting the chain link fence that separated the public from the ponies.” My responsibilities were simple:

1. tell people to move their rolling coolers out of the fire lane

2. take people with wasp stings to the nurse

and oh yeah

3. every time a clerk at a betting window in my section accumulated more than $10,000 dollars in cash, I had to escort them for ½ of a mile through the incredibly dense crowd of drunk people, any of whom might be interested in stealing more than $10,000 dollars, and get the money safely into the giant vault.

I remember the very first run i made. The betting clerk looked at me, the 19 year old responsible for protecting both them and $10,000. I looked back at him through the mirrored aviators that I’d bought at a gas station for 5 bucks because I thought it was very very funny and good fake cop cosplay. My walkie hissed ominously.

“…Uh, so if someone tries to take the money, what are you going to do?” He asked.

“Well, I get paid 12 bucks an hour, so… nothing.” I responded. “How about you?”

We quickly arrived at an understanding.

Two of the guards from my training group got fired that summer for bringing in their own weapons, and at least one of them had both a butterfly knife and at least one shuruken. Many more dropped out as they discovered that they would not actually be doing Die Hard shit. As for me, I did literally nothing to prevent crime all summer, but I also halfheartedly cleared a path through the crowd at the front of a very sad “St. Patrick’s Day In July” parade, which made me enough of a success story that they actually called me unprompted to ask if I’d come back the next year… with one caveat.

See, the next year I returned as a weathered veteran with a spotless disciplinary record, so they gave me three hours of additional training to get a certification to become a peace officer. As a result, from ages 20-23 (when my license expired) I had the same legal powers of arrest as a police officer.

Me. They just gave me that.

In conclusion, if you’re a highly qualified team of heistmen looking to rob an entity that accumulates wealth by convincing drunk desperate people to give them their money and you pick a fucking casino when the racetrack is right there, you’re either thinking way too inside the box… or you have a healthy fear of shurukens I guess.

Only valid response to this post, everyone else can go home.

- less than a month after 9/11, the algebra teacher asked the only muslim kid in school if he “believed in the terrorists”

- sociology teacher told us being gay was a sin and torture was justified even if it didn’t work

- i got docked a letter grade in horticulture for not saying the pledge of allegiance

- abstinence-only sex ed, randroid econ curriculum, blah blah blah background noise rightwing indoctrination that didn’t even rate as notable back then

public school btw

If high school “wasn’t political” for you, either while you were in it or in a “in hindsight that was kind of fucked up” capacity, then you were either

1.) Too distracted trying to survive the hell of a grossly abusive and dysfunctional family you were trapped under as a minor to notice or frankly care about the politics of your teachers or curriculum.

2.) In a place of privilege that to this day as a 30+ year old adult you still think “being into politics” is a just hobby with no greater wider societal stakes than that of wood carving on a leisurely Saturday afternoon.

Three words: Channel One News

Propaganda AND making kids an advertising testbed all in one

i watched 9/11 happen in my sophomore year of high school and consequently the fabric of the country crank nationalism up to 11 overnight. what’s this guy on?

Even before 9/11 I had sex ed in 7th grade with a teacher who us "The human body is miraculously designed," and that using body parts for something outside their intended purpose (ie: anal sex) was not only unwise but essentially self-harm and an abuse of that miraculous design.

But seriously, give money

And it’s way better food, too, anything you get prepackaged has A TON of sugar and/or salt in it…collecting cans may be more exciting than writing a check, but if the point is to help people, the check is going to get a lot more done

Yoooooo heads up for those of you with kids, I know this time of year schools start holding canned food drives so keep this in mind if you’re able to give.

collecting cans may be more exciting than writing a check, but if the point is to help people, the check is going to get a lot more done .

hint: the point should be to help people.

Also, please consider setting this as a scheduled post for June/July. A lot of food insecure families with children rely on school lunch to make ends meet, and that’s obviously not an option during summer vacation. Lots of people give during November and December, but summer is a lean time for food banks. Which is a shame, cuz fresh produce is at a boom during that time of year, so not only would summer donations boost how many people the food banks can help, it would boost the quality of the help they provide.

If you want to do a cash drive but also exploit the dopamine hit people get from dropping their can of garbanzo beans into the box, my middle school did something that was SHOCKINGLY effective:

A penny drive.

(DuckDuckGo tells me a penny in 1999 would be worth two cents in 2023, but given how much food prices have gone up, I’d make this a dime drive in the modern day.)

Here’s how it works.

Every classroom got a gallon water jug. You brought in your pennies from home and put them in the jug. Every penny equaled one point, and at the end of a set time period, the classroom with the most points won a pizza party. All the funds were then donated.

BUT.

You will notice I didn’t say the class with the most pennies. I said the class with the most POINTS.

And that is because you could sabotage other classrooms by putting other denominations in their jugs. The number of pennies equal to the cent amount of those denominations would then be deducted from the penny total (so for example a nickel would lose you five points). I saw one kid absolutely TANK some of the eighth-graders by dropping a five-dollar bill in their jug, which they then had to make up in pennies before they could make any further progress.

(If you’re wondering who rolled all those pennies: it was me. Literally it was me, I volunteered because I’m an autistic weirdo who thinks counting change is fun and it got me out of class. The office ladies helped too.)

To modify this for adults, consider having it be one work shift versus another. Or there are multiple jars split between options for a vote and you get to vote by putting your change in a jar. And you MUST include the sabotage—for one it makes it more like a game, which humans love. And for another, if you’re asking for quarter donations but someone really wants to tank another group, they’re gonna whip out a twenty dollar bill. It generates higher donations because people want to win by nature.

You can ABSOLUTELY make cash drives sexy. You’ve just got to know how.

Had an idea. Noted it was June. Did the thing. It’s available on stuff over on society6 if you want it.

Happy Pride!

Patreon | Society6

"be not afraid"

"when you hide behind that rock I feel as though you don't appreciate the fact that I came all this way to deliver the word of god"

This is “it’s opening night and I sure hope you remember your lines!” and “you’re the only waitress, the restaurant is filling up by the second, and you’re stuck taking the order of a table that can’t make up its mind” erasure.

Here it is! Our gorgeous cover for A FINE AND PRIVATE PLACE! It's out on the 12th October 2023, with a brand new introduction from @neil-gaiman (which got me all teary-eyed while I was proofing it, ngl). Obsessed with the sunset colours, obsessed with the stunning lineart by Borg, obsessed with how this is going to sit so perfectly next to our editions of THE LAST UNICORN and THE WAY HOME.

Oh thank heavens. About damn time

.

Guest Column: If Writers Lose the Standoff With Studios, It Hurts All Filmmakers

I was saying on Twitter earlier, late capitalism + various malicious interventions have ruined every career that involves thought or creativity or passion. Artists, writers, academics, teachers-- even lawyers are screwed these days.

Fudge recipe on a headstone

I feel like I should make this just to be able to say a dead person taught me how to make it. Maybe I’ll do it for Halloween.

I desperately hope that she spent her entire life telling people that they could have her fudge recipe “over my dead body.”

That last comment is absolutely worth reblogging.

The accidental and subtle insanity of this statement. EVERY time I think about her ALL I think about is Jamie

dom who sticks their fingers down your throat, asks you a question, and laughs when you try to answer

Yes, yes, the dentist.  We’ve all been there.

Fudge recipe on a headstone

I feel like I should make this just to be able to say a dead person taught me how to make it. Maybe I’ll do it for Halloween.

I desperately hope that she spent her entire life telling people that they could have her fudge recipe “over my dead body.”

That last comment is absolutely worth reblogging.

Source: TGCF donghua Twitter

It's Hua Cheng's birthday but we're the ones who got showered with gifts 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 More sneak peaks of Gambler's Den in S2😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 The way Hua Cheng so tenderly strokes his statue's cheek 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 The fact that they are still HuaLian in love and didn't get demoted to platonic bros (unless you normally stroke your platonic bro's statue like that) 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Hua Cheng's words:

"To some, the very existence of a certain person in this world is in itself hope." 😭😭 "Dianxia, I am forever your most devoted believer." 😭😭

His last line broke my brain a little cuz it sounds like he's saying this:

"Gege, is the genuine one in the temple?"

...but that doesn't seem right? 😭😭...I wish they had the words too cuz that would've helped 😭 Anyway just focus on how gorgeous the visuals are and how sexy Hua Cheng sounds😅

stephanie brown is worth any wrist pain <3