— Vasudev

— Khalil Gibran

— Bob Marley

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Anaïs Nin, Henry And June

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Red Phoenix

— Garima Soni

Craft A Partnership Rather Than Forging A Follower

Perhaps I am different in my approach to D/S but something that I think is important, especially for newer dominants and submissives, is that D/S is not shorthand for “Do as the dominant says”. I have noticed that at times people who have less experience sometimes have the view of the lifestyle have the over-simplified view that whatever the d-type says, the submissive must then do. So I want to chat about how I feel the D/S works best in the real world. A dominant’s role or position as the leader in a relationship is earned over time by the building of trust and this is done over time. It is not something that can be tossed into an instant partnership pot and twenty minutes later a gourmet D/S relationship is served. Even when things are constructed over time, with care while being combined with respect and love, a dominant should never expect and a submissive should never give blind obedience.

At times will a d-type need to stand firm on what they need their submissive to do to, absolutely. Will a submissive do things for their dominant that they would not do for anyone else, yes. These things should never, in my opinion, be done because the d-type says “I want you to do X” and while X is unexpected, perhaps even appearing out of seemingly nowhere, but not a limit some in the lifestyle expect that the submissive must, just like Nike, just do it.

For me, I believe that if a dominant is wishing their submissive to do something new, different, unexpected, or perhaps a combination of all these, rather than expecting/demanding compliance, a better and more realistic method is for the d-type to talk about and explain their thoughts and plans first. My thought is saying something like, “I think we should work on doing this. I know it might seem unexpected but let me explain why I feel this is an opportunity for us as well as how to implement this.” It may seem to some that there is a lot of we in my example rather than what some may expect from a dominant which would be more along the lines of “I think, I want, or I expect” and let me explain my lovely logic as to why.

In my opinion, a dominant must continue to earn the submission of their partner(s). Sadly, some d-types feel that once this level of intimacy and trust is arrived at, the work is done. For me, this point is just the tip of the iceberg, and the real heavy lifting aka work of the relationship is just beginning. Just because a dominant has garnered their partner’s submission, it does not mean a submissive should just be quiet and do as they are told.

At times it has felt to me that d-types can forget that a D/S relationship is still a partnership. While the dominant does lead the relationship dance, the submissive must want to follow their lead and with one two-letter word from the s-type, no, they upend the lifestyle portion, if not the entire relationship. It is natural for people to want to respond negatively when they are asked to do a task that is not understood or it feels as if there is no reason behind it. This would be akin to a boss at work assigning a task that does not make sense with seemingly no logic supporting it and when this happens it is more likely to have mistakes happen because of the lack of understanding and it can also be harder to do our best when we have not fully “bought-in” on the assignment.

We is also important because even though the dominant is wanting the submissive to do for them and will be doing the work, it is still the d-type that will be leading, supporting, as well as upholding accountability, so it is still a combined task and thus a ‘we thing’.

Dominants, no matter how amazing, all share one flaw. This imperfection is that all are human which means, they are going to make mistakes and if others are similar to me, then these occur with regularity. I have discovered that when I share a new desire/expectation along with my reasons, makes it easier for a submissive to leave a comfort zone for this new idea. While I feel a submissive naturally wants to do for their d-type, when they understand the reasoning, this allows them to more confidently take on the challenge. Additionally, since all dominants are imperfect creatures, discussing rather than dictating, allows a d-type’s amazing submissive to offer thoughts and suggestions on how to improve the process or places where the dominant’s plans are flawed with the need to be reworked before starting down this road. So a cooperative approach I believe will enhance the result because faux pas can be lessened through open discussion.

Not only can tweaks be made to keep a problem at bay but there will be times when a dominant’s grand plan has amazing intentions but is fatally flawed. Because part of the human experience is erroring, partnering with their submissive, and allowing the s-type to feel safe and secure even in disagreement it can keep a task from turning into a dumpster fire in the relationship which can spread potentially burning down the relationship. It is better to have worked jointly on designing a project that turns into a fiery f’up because it can be put out together without the submissive feeling as though they were left holding the bag which as a bonus is now on fire.

I believe that when a dominant endeavors to create a cooperative partnership with a submissive it will strengthen their bonds in life and lifestyle. This does not mean a dominant will be wishy-washy, allow topping from the bottom, or not strict in times that require it but it will allow the submissive to understand as well as create buy-in with a new venture. Not only will both d and s types be unified in their approach but allowing the submissive to freely discuss the plan can help to fix unintended flaws or avoid a fatally flawed idea. While a dominant must lead, I believe it is important that a submissive be a partner and not just a blind follower.

As with all of my writings, please see this disclaimer.

©TLK2022

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D. S. Mixell, Lady Ettrick

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Michael Dibdin

— Joey W. Hill