just plugging along

I did an exercise at my treatment program where I had to embody my ED and be interviewed as my ED by the other patients. I was referred to as my ED, I had to refer to myself as if it were my ED talking about me, and I had to answer questions about me as my ED.

It may be one of the most powerful and painful things I've ever done.

I completely embodied my ED and the sheer amount of hatred, anger, and indignance that I felt... my ED called itself my best friend, said that I needed it to be better, and was fucking pissed at the idea that i was trying to get rid of it.

It was do painful to feel. Afterwards I just cried. But it was so powerful to separate the persona of my ED from myself, and to feel how toxic it is towards me.

I think the hardest part about this for me, is that I miss restriction. I really really do. I know that recovery is better for me, but every choice I make that conflicts with restriction feels like a failure.

I miss the way it made me feel. Powerful, special, beautiful. I miss feeling sick enough for attention, the satisfaction of being cold in a warm room or standing up and blacking out for a second, because it felt like an achievement.

I hate the way my brain has selective memory. I constantly remember and want the things that made me fall in love with starving, but block out the reasons I decided to recover. My brain never thinks of the times crying in the bathroom so my friends wouldn't see, the mind-blowing anxiety at being offered food, and the waves of self hatred I felt at even going a calorie over my limit, not to mention how I felt after a binge.

Because even now, my brain is still sick. My brain still wants the starvation. Its comfortable. Rewarding. Familiar. Makes me feel like I have a goal, a purpose, like I'm achieving something. I keep going, as best I can, but I have no clue if or when this will ever get easier.

Please let this get easier.

My meal plan is getting increased ahhhhh

And my dietitian said it might get increased again in a few weeks. I was already eating over 3000 calories, now it'll be like 4000 or more a day oof.

It needs to happen, I need to gain weight, I need to get my period back and get my heart rate up, but oof. Just oof.

About food

Have any of you done the enneagram? We've spent a long time reading about it in my program and its making me understand a lot of things about myself, including why I have the relationship with my disorder that I do.

I think it's a great recovery tool. Highly reccomend.

Anyone else get ridiculously upset when someone eats one of your safe foods? No? Alright then.

I have a hard time not restricting breakfast, and granola is the way I still get calories in. I put it on my porridge and on my yogurt, 2 of the 3 things I'll eat for breakfast. Last week I specifically told my siblings that they could sprinkle it on stuff or whatever, but not to have full bowls of it because that literally uses all of it up and then my breakfasts are like 200 calories and not as appealing to me, and if I don't WANT to eat something, chances are I won't.

And what does my sibling do? Eat my entire jar of granola in one day. After I specifically told them to always make sure I have some left to eat.

I guess I'm just being bitchy or whatever. But I TOLD them not to eat it all. I didn't even ask them to not touch it or anything, just to be considerate with the fact that I eat it almost every day.

February 10, 2020

Today was a day. Had some major restriction urges and skipped a lot of what I was supposed to eat as a result, but in the evening I felt better and wanted to eat, so ate something calorie dense. I finally finally FINALLY got the last bit of stuff taken care of for my treatment and I start PHP tomorrow. I'll be at this program from 9:30-3:30 every weekday, and have 2 snacks and lunch supervised. It's scary to me that I'll no longer have the option of avoiding food, even though I know it's the best thing for me.

Breakfast: porridge topped with banana, molasses, and granola

Snack (not pictured): cashews and 2 clementines

Lunch: skipped

Snack: grapefruit

Dinner: baked tofu and steamed broccoli tossed in olive oil, lemon juice, and salt

Snack: peanut butter and dark chocolate chips

tmw you take 45 minutes to eat a bowl of porridge :\

Thx ED. Finished breakfast so late that I doubt I'll be able to eat all I'm supposed to today.

Edit: omfg my brother is having lunch and I finished breakfast 15 minutes ago. And I have to eat more food than him ahhhhhhhh

First day of food logging!

I was really trying to be positive and recovery-oriented today. I did not end up eating enough, but I didn't actively restrict, either, even though I REALLY wanted to. I ate less because I was just so damn full. So it is what it is. I got my treatment figured out. My PCP ended up recommending I do PHP instead of IOP, which I can immediately get in to with the facility I was originally seeking treatment with. So I was able to tell the facility trying to force me into residential to fuck off (but not really bc I'm too anxious to be rude).

Breakfast: porridge with apple, cinnamon, raisins, a splash of maple syrup, topped with granola.

Snack: apple and cashews.

Lunch: sandwich with tomato, red onion, spinach, guacamole and tofurkey.

Dinner: curried tofu and sweet potato + a clementine (not pictured).

I also had a couple of bites of the German chocolate cake I made for my brother's birthday yesterday. Like maybe 1/3 of a slice? My brain is mad at me for having that bit of cake so it's trying to estimate calories. Fun.