Every Shakespeare Play Summed Up in a Quote from The Office [Part 1 / 4]

Created by: Elodie (aka Courtney Gorter)

Elodie (aka Courtney Gorter)

this is arcane knowledge that the human mind cant comprehend

honestly what the fuck does this mean

“Don’t stress yourselves out about it, but don’t ignore the situation”

GOOD ADVICE

When you have to replace a player and don’t want to drag out their introduction (via yourplayersaidwhat)

Rian Johnson comforting the actors after an emotional take in Star Wars: The Last Jedi (requested by @doing-talking).

i walk into starbucks and order a pumpkin spice latte with 13 shots of espresso. i tell the barista that i intend to transcend humanity and become a god. i ask for no whip cream

you say this jokingly but i had a customer actually order a pumpkin spice latte with 9 shots of espresso (also no whip) and when i asked her to verify that she did indeed want 9 shots of espresso she looked me dead in the eyes and said “i have 5 kids”

I once had a woman come in and ordered an Americano with 19 shots of espresso. The drink took ages. It held up the line. I asked her why, and she shrugged and said “I just don’t care”. We still talk about that woman. We never saw her again.

new cryptid: exhausted woman at starbucks

Actual conversation I had at register: “Hi, welcome to [Starbucks]! What can I get you, today?”

“How much is it to fill a Venti with Espresso?”

“I- I’m sorry?”

“A venti cup. How much to fill it with Espresso?”

“Oh. uh. Well, it’d be I suppose… I only have a button for a Quad. I don’t have special pricing for twenty ounces of espresso in a single… drink.”

“Price is the furthest thing from my mind right now. How many ‘add shots’ is that?”

*deep breath of fear* “It’d be a quad with,” *clears throat* “uh, sixteen additional shots of espresso. But, ma’am, I should tell you that the shots will start to get really bitter if they have to sit and wait for us to pull twenty of them-”

“Taste means nothing to me.”

At this point I am truly fearing for my very existence in the presence of what must clearly be an eldritch being.

“Oh. Well, okay.” I put on my absolute best customer service smile to hide my terror and accept that I must face this dragon, fae, or demon with dignity. “We can certainly get that for you! The price will be _____.”

She begins to pay, I shit thee not, with golden dollar coins. We are a block from Wall Street, and this eldritch demi-being is paying for an unholy elixer with golden coins. My life will end soon, I am sure of it.

“Do you still have the ‘Add Energy’ packets?”

My heart began to race at this request. “Yes ma’am.”

“How many can I add?”

Futile though it is, at least I know the rote response to this. “For health reasons, we won’t add more than one per drink and we cannot sell the packets individually.”

“One then.”

I alter the order and tell her the new price. She pays, dumps the change and five golden dollars into the tip box. I write the order on the venti cup and pass it silently to the girl working the hot beverage station. Normally we called and pass, but this was … not something to be spoken aloud.

My fellow takes the cup, not thinking anything of the minor break with protocol, until she sees the order. She stares at me. “No.”

The woman, which I call her for no other greater insight into her terrifying being is within my grasp, simply stands on the other side and says, calmly but with a commanding tone I expect of Admirals in bad movies, “Yes.”

My fellow barista pales before her task. But we are dutiful, we are true to our task, great though it may be. She sets about clearing the two brand new Matrena’s of all distraction, and sets two tall cups in the ready position. The energy packet is emptied into the venti cup, and the shots begin pouring. 

The barista was damn near shaking. This woman’s gaze felt like the fires of the sun. Finally, the shots are pulled, the cup is filled, and the hand off takes place.

Our visiting Incomprehensible takes it to our milk bar and adds a dollop of cream. Satisfied, she proceeds to down what must have been half the damn cup.

Then she smiled at us, like a benediction and I was honestly filled with joy. And horror. She left, and we knew nothing more of her after that.

When I talk with other former employees, we quickly begin talking about “The Company” as if we’d never l, perhaps knowing that part of our soul still powers that awesome and terrible corporate machine. And when I share this stroy, other Baristas at first act shocked but quickly settle and comes the chorus, 

“Yeah, I had one like that.”

Okay, Starbucks lore is my new favorite genre of literature. Please collect all these and more into a book.

@myszagrace GOALS

WHAT

Hi, Wizards of the Coast? I’d like to pitch my new wizard subclass, Vore Mage,

hey alex do accept constructive criticism on your reblogs

Yeah, why? Do you not like the name? I’m a little iffy on it myself, how about “Vorelock” instead?

CEASE THIS

vorecerer,

C E A S E

TERRIFIC stuff by the cat!

i fucking hate how much i love this

Reblog, click the picture, and prepare for battle.

after a while i became convinced that the words were mocking me

Nothing happened. 

I WAS PROMISED A BATTLE

*throws down gauntlet*

Edit: Went back. This is the best thing to happen to my dashboard ever.

Reblogging again because my followers need to see this. To be clear, rebog, go to your actual blog, then click the picture. 

aight

OH MY GOD I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT

DO IT

WOW IT REALLY IS SOMETHING FREAKING GOOD PLEASE CHECK IT OUT

Okay, if this is a rickroll I swear to…

1) It was not a rickroll

2) It was super awesome!

3) No jumpscare or anything designed to freak you out, so doesn’t need an unreality warning (YMMV, of course).

Suspicious but curious. Curiosity wins!

attention all writers following me- try this or you will lament.

for those, like myself, that would like to know what that means in lbs

I heard that Daisy Ridley had an 8 pack.  That Daisy Ridley was shredded.

BY A WHAT

THATS ALL THE BIG SCARIES IN ONE BUG TFFF JU

Give it a dime, apparently.

Had to go research this thing, and the answer to what to do if it stings you is scream.

from Wikipedia-

“One researcher described the pain as “…immediate, excruciating, unrelenting pain that simply shuts down one’s ability to do anything, except scream. Mental discipline simply does not work in these situations. In terms of scale, the wasp’s sting is rated near the top of the Schmidt sting pain index, second only to that of the bullet ant, and is described by Schmidt as “blinding, fierce [and] shockingly electric”.“

Soooooo…dissociate to escape or?

It’s laying eggs in you.

Let’s back up a second and fully appreciate that description.

The Schmidt sting pain index, a widely used classification system for the bites and stings of ants, bees and wasps, is literally the personal ranking system of a guy named Justin Schmidt, who goes around letting bugs sting him for science. Like, that’s this Thing as a scientist.

In one entry, he describes the sting of the common bee as “almost pleasant, [like] a lover just bit your earlobe a little too hard.”

In another, the sting of the yellowjacket is described as “hot and smoky, almost irreverent. Imagine W. C. Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue.“

So when the Schmidt sting pain index characterises the sting of the tarantula hawk as “blinding, fierce [and] shockingly electric”, well, now you know what your standard for comparison is!

this is fascinating but when do we kinkshame Justin Schmidt

google just made me so emo

oh my god I can’t stop crying

From a strictly marketing standpoint. This is the best ad of all time. Like…well fucking done Google.

wednesday night mood

this is a current mood

TEAR IT UP HARDSTYLE, JOE

Donald Duck Goes To Group Therapy For His Debilitating Executive Dysfunction And It’s Just Played Completely Straight For Like Four Pages Like What

i love this!

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN BACK

Children are wild

Today one of my students threw a stuffed animal across the room and it landed directly in a plate filled with paint

And I had it narrowed down to a few kids but no one would confess so I made them all put their toys away and have five minutes of quiet time to Reflect on Their Behavior

During that five minutes of relative silence, this group of three year olds INVENTED A NEW CLASSMATE, named him, and unanimously blamed him for throwing the toy across the room

There was not a single weak link, they were all ride or die

Unreal

Preschool Beowulf.

I hate the internet. I hate how this poem doesn’t need to be finished but it has 13.9k retweets and 21.1k likes. Everyone knows how this poem ends and I hate it

Violets are Blue

Michael Jackson sang Thriller

I think people often underestimate the potential educational value of senseless memes. For example, thanks to Spiders Georg, literally every teenager on Tumblr has a reasonable grasp of what a statistical outlier is and the sorts of problems that outliers can introduce into a naïve analysis. There are grown adults who don’t get that - I deal with them on a daily basis.

“Memes have educational value” actually statistical error. Average meme teaches 0 facts. Spiders Georg is an outlier adn should not be counted

tumblr user, drinking a bottle of uncontaminated water in post apocalyptic america: i love this?? this is so pure omg

tumblr user, finding a miraculously untouched packet of frozen pastries in post-apocalyptic america: beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure

tumblr user, succumbing to dehydration in the wilderness of post-apocalyptic america: my hands are literally shaking as I type this

tumblr edgelord, to a booby-trap in post-apocalyptic america, an arrow embedded deep in their chest: i’m sorry, are you triggered? 

tumblr user, attempting to reestablish a pony express mail service across the shattered remnants of post-apocalyptic america: this post is important

tumblr user, standing behind thousands of other refugees from post-apocalyptic america, straining to hear the instructions of the volunteer who is giving them their floor space assignments: say it louder for the people in the back

tumblr user, handing out vials —filled with a cure for the plague which has devastated the world— to the remaining people of post-apocalyptic america: spread this like wildfire

tumblr user, checking the post-apocalyptic town’s notice board for information important to rebuilding: why doesn’t this have more notes??

tumblr user, about to venture out into a dangerous part of the post-apocalyptic world with a small group of volunteers for whom they care for dearly and are concerned about the mental wellbeing of and the impact the adventure could have on them: if you don’t like this unfollow me right now

tumblr user, watching a boy be dragged into the stocks of a post-apocalyptic settlement for the crime of stealing a crust of bread: FREE HIM

Post post modernism

tumblr user, trekking on foot across the burned out plains of post-apocalyptic america in search of refuge for what seems like forever: Is Canada even real?

tumblr user, being offered bark tea to fend off against scurvy in post-apocalyptic america: This tea is HOT!

tumblr user, alone and searching for the warmth and comfort of other humans and being jumped by a group of post-apocalyptic american vigilantes: I came out to have a good time and i’m honestly feeling so attacked right now

tumblr user, caring for a nursery of small children, the last children born into this broken, dying world, gently feeding them watery broth: take a fuckin’ sip babes

tumblr user, watching a suspicious figure approach the gates of their ramshackle settlement in post-apocalyptic america: who is she

tumblr user, looking helplessly at their shattered pole weapon before perishing in the battle circle of post-apocalyptic america: wtf staff

staff replied, post is over