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I'm sorry.

@just-another-shitty-teenager

selfish, yes. urgent, yes. I'm sorry.
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I ran across some of our old pictures today, I've never had the heart to delete them. I wish I understood more than anything, was it me? Did you find someone better? How we go from spending every days together, from skating though the college, from our secret handshake that I havent forgotten, from smoking by the lake, from going to the movies, fuck it even from grocery shopping because everything was amazing with you how did it go to... well you didnt even tell me goodbye, I found out through a post but you were already gone, I'm driving through down a few months ago and I knew the car passing me I knew it was you. You saw me as well, but you looked right away, what did I do..

MybestfriendIthinkhewastheloveofmylife

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art--felt

I remember first learning that you can cry from any emotion, that emotions are chemical levels in your brain and your body is constantly trying to maintain equilibrium. so if one emotion sky rockets, that chemical becomes flagged and signals the tear duct to open as an exit to release that emotion packaged neatly within a tear. Everything made sense after learning that. That sudden stability of your emotions after crying. How crying is often accompanied by the inability to feel any other emotion in that precise moment. And it is especially beautiful knowing that it is even possible to experience so much beauty or love or happiness that your body literally can’t hold on to all of it. So what I’ve learned is that crying signifies that you are feeling as much as humanely possible and that is living to the fullest extent. So keep feeling and cry often and as much as needed

SHIT WHAT

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teal-deer

Also let yourself cry. It really is a biochemical release valve to dump out all the chemicals that make you feel stuff.

I honestly think one reason men in western culture have so many problems is that we don’t let them cry, and literally their brains get stuffed with all this crap that doesn’t have a release valve. Men, please cry. You’ll feel better. It’s ok. You are not lesser for taking care of your health.

This is why tears from different emotions look different under an electron microscope. They’re literally made up of different things. 

Happy tears are structurally different than sad tears than angry tears than overwhelmed tears etc.

I looked it up, cuz that tidbit was dope to me and..

Never would have known

Ah yes, the emotions: grief, change, onion, humor

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I have never felt so alone. Everyday I get worse, and i dont think i can drag myself out of it this time.
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I've decided I'm done. I physically cannot do this any longer. Maybe not today or tomorrow but soon enough, for starters. C, I love you. Thank you for being my bestfriend for the last 4 years i really couldnt have done this without you and I am so sorry I had to do this. Mom I'm sorry. I tried I really did but this is too much to Handel. D, I'm so sorry. Please nobody blame youreself this was my decision, my stupid fucking selfish choice. I know but I cant afford and frankly dont have the time for help. Someone please take amazing care of thor, hes the best boy. Please, someone take amazing care of him. He deserves it.

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Outside, looking in, staring at the great wide open, young girl, hustlin' on the other side of the ocean