*sees old friends’ accounts* *cries a little* *wants to follow them on my new acct but doesnt want to seem weird*

1/2/2020: logging into my old tumblr and

what the fUck

thats all have a good one folx

follow @juliansstarrynight

k I’m making a new tumblr

I’ve returned, need to update a lotta stuff probably, but am mostly thinking of making a new acct.... I’m an adult now, and I’m trying to change my name & gender marker. Still Julian, still they/them, still obsessed with astrophysics. But I don’t talk to like Anybody Ever and kinda maybe feel like having a place to express myself again (I pretty much stopped going on any form of social media). 😓 Still have a dog named Sammy, who is still really weird and silly.

i cannot physically wear anything to make myself appear masculine or even androgynous. i can’t wear a binder now for over 15 min, can’t wear any tight clothes. only comfy, flowing, loose-ish stuff. for me, that is just tshirts, dresses, yoga pants, and sports bras. i am going to see many family members who don’t know me and will probs misgender/misname me. rip

so i want to avoid my aunt at all costs but i also want to give her & my cousin their presents... i think i could see my cousin alone on sunday, so i could give her hers, but ya still wondering what i’ll do about my aunt’s.

i’m struggling very deeply, thinking about life, existence, and spirituality.

to completely define my turmoil: to be or not to be?

i do not want death. i just don’t want existence. i believe in reincarnation, so i know that even if i were to pass i’d just be reborn with all of my existing baggage. i am struggling to accept or reject life. that is, to reject a future or the prospect of truly living; or to accept that i am in this stupid body and i can decide to live my life. right now i am stuck in the middle, trying to avoid either one. i am stuck! it’s really annoying.