I felt like a skinni qween ok 😫😂 I talk about my binge eating disorder in my video about my depression that’s up on my channel too. I’m going to do a whole other video specifically about my BED, but I do touch on it in this video! Well not this specific video of my waist, but the one on my YouTube channel haha. Even when I was in the midst of my BED, I was skinny since it was vegan food I was binging on, but I was CONSTANTLY bloated, lethargic, and fatigued from being constantly filled to the brim and emotionally eating my feelings and gravitating to food as a pleasure center instead of the healing amenity that food can truly be. I have so much more energy now, and can actually push myself in my workouts without keeling over from cramps because of how extremely full my belly was.
Her legs omfg
me? emotionally detached and self destructive? yes.
Weight redistribution is a thing!
Since it’s NEDA week, I’ve thought that I would reflect on this topic because weight redistribution is a real thing in recovery, yet not a lot of posts are written about it.
It’s probably because when it happens and the weight redistributes, most of the sufferers are at a stage in their recovery mentally when they really let go of the disordered thoughts and the whole obsession with body checking, thus they don’t even notice the change.
Yet, I was very conscious about my body throughout this whole transformation and I did notice the change. I just never sat down to write about it but now half a year after my weight redistributed, I can say that it’ll happen to you, too, just give it time, give your body time to heal properly.
Those who know my story know that I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa in 2017 March. I gained weight and lost weight during that year, my weight fluctuated a lot because I was still not fully committed to recovery. It wasn’t until later that year when I also broke free from a toxic friendship that I committed fully to recovery both mentally and physically. I was seeing my psychologist frequently while extreme hunger hit stronger than ever. I gained even more weight than before, I looked like a pregnant girl sometimes because all the weight accumulated around my stomach area and on my face. I looked like I was bloated all the time, yet I knew that I had to give it my all, especially because I wasn’t the best recovery warrior I could be. I wanted to do my best this time and doing my best meant eating properly, eating whenever, whatever and how much ever I wanted.
So I did.
It was scary, probably one of the scariest things I’ve had to done my whole life and the changes in my body didn’t help either. Though I have to admit that I was talking with my eldest sister about it one day and she said that she didn’t even notice the weight gain, so just know that it’s probably not as prominent as you think. Even if it is, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, you’re healing, your body is healing. I know how frightening it is, I also cried myself to sleep a lot of times, asking if I’ll always look this way, if I’ll always feel so utterly hungry.
Yet, time went by and I gained confidence while gaining weight and I just let go of the obsession around my weight. I became less stressed due to the fact that I was over my exams, so I had the whole summer to focus on something rather than my body and weight. I traveled a lot, met up with a lot of lovely people and made many, many wonderful memories. And yes, I also ate a lot of good food while not even realizing the shift in my mind-set. The extreme hunger wasn’t there anymore, it just disappeared. It happened so naturally, and I found my body going back to its set point without me interfering. I didn’t bloat anymore, my face wasn’t so puffy and my jeans fit the same as they did before the weight gain. I was also weighed when I was registered at a new doctor (as I’ve turned an adult that year), and my weight really went back to its pre-ED state. What matters more is that I had energy, I had a healthy menstrual cycle, my hair was growing rapidly and healthily and I could enjoy life as it was.
Ever since then, I didn’t see a change in my weight. I don’t know my weight anymore as we don’t have a scale in the flat where I live currently for my uni studies, but jeans fit me the same. It wasn’t an easy road, it took my body around a year and half to find its healthy place and for it to trust me again but it functions properly again, and I couldn’t have been more thankful for it.
So if you are going through it, if you are hesitating to start real recovery, I’m telling you to do it! It’s scary, hell, it’s really scary, but it’s so worth it! More about it later this week. :)
I don’t think people realize how much strength it takes to pull your own self out of an anxiety attack or a panic attack. So if you’ve done that today or any day, I’m proud of you.
(via THE SIMPLE VEGANISTA: ROASTED BUTTERNUT SQUASH BEANS & BARLEY BOWL)… An old favorite recipe updated and brought back to life!