jstphjstph

i’m pregnant

i love my bf

i also have sex brain rn 😵‍💫 i forgot how bad it gets

i have a bf

my dog died

suddenly, i’m 21 again

waiting for you to text me after ghosting me for days

suddenly, i’m 21 again

crying my heart out because you won’t talk to me

suddenly, i’m 21 again

drinking my feelings away trying to pretend it doesn’t hurt

suddenly, i’m 21 again

praying that u will realize how much u are hurting me

i’m almost 23

but today i feel like i’m 21 again

i got flowers today

for the first time in my life

from a nice boy who likes me very much

i don’t want to invalidate that experience

but i just thought of u

and how u never got me flowers

even though u swore u wanted to

not even on our first date

or for my birthday

or for the last time we saw each other

i always wanted u to give me flowers

but i’m glad u never did

because i wouldn’t be experiencing what i am today

a nice boy gave me flowers

a nice boy will have my love

a love that u wasted and used

i won’t break that nice boys heart like u broke mine

i’ll admit i want to

i want to feel how u felt when u hurt me

so that way i’ll maybe understand

maybe if i understood i would be able to forgive u

but he doesn’t deserve it

that nice boy likes me very much

and i like him back

farewell, old lover

godspeed

love will live here again

i have sat in this wound for a while now

soaking up all of its good and bad

this wound is part of me

a part that i haven’t truly been able to fix on my own

i’ve tried

and it’s worked for most of the time

but it’s attached to me

like glue

i can’t shake it

i’ve tried

i can’t run from it

i’ve tried

a million times now

when will it ever truly go away?

one more year?

ten?

it’s been two so far and i still feel like my heart won’t ever recover completely

i have tried

i kissed someone last night

the first time in two years

i don’t remember kissing him

but i know that you weren’t on my mind

i kissed someone

and it wasn’t you

it wasn’t your lips this time

i remember the first time we kissed

my first kiss

i was so over the moon

i wish i remembered how i felt when i kissed him

dame un beso

4.25.21 // 3.27.23

no one is asking me how i feel

truth is, i don’t know

i’m trying to suppress this for as long as i can

i know this one will hurt so bad

15 years

of memories

fights

cries

laughter filling the house sometimes

i grew up here

had my first heartbreak here

got my first dog here

my first car

60 days

60 days?

how are we supposed to pack up 15 years

in 60 days?

my childhood home

is being taken from me

how am i supposed to not let this break my heart?

my grandmother’s garden and her manderin tree staying behind

the house my little brother built is staying behind

my front yard where i watch the sunset is staying behind

when will i find another view like the one i have?

i want to cry and scream

i want to get on my knees and beg them not to

my inner child is begging right now

please

don’t do this

i don’t know how bad my heart will hurt

1632

march 24th 2023

59 days left