excited about the future
excited about visiting my family’s homeland
excited about being rude to parisians
excited about interior design
excited about the color palettes
excited about the poems she’ll teach me
excited about the clubs in germany
excited about my uni entrance everyday
excited about my name being yelled by a crowd
excited about our secret wedding
excited about the options that’ll make me kill myself
i’m liked everywhere i go
everybody wants to be my friend
there are people who would kill for me
how come
none of them know me
losing it again ughhhh the lack of aesthetic value of these texts annoys me so goddamn much but anyways today i kinda realized im poor and had a huge nervous breakdown i fucking hate those two words nervous breakdown please just shut the fuck up!!!! nobody cares about whatever youre going through you have to raw dog it i dont give a fuck about nobody and i think everybody should just do the exact same tbh like stop victimizing yourself stop crying thug that shit out like everybody else thats it!!! anyways this is just my little release i know nobody reading me so im guilt free fuck fuck im losing it i wanna rip a living person apart i want to stomp their head repeatedly against the cement i dont know what could compare to that in terms of how i get this shit out of my system like what the fuck can i do to get a portion of that sensation but my mind is asking for fucking blood i dont even know what the fuck im talking about but damn damn my old life is behind me and i have absolutely nothing in this new one i have no friends i have no trust on anyone i have nothing but this stupid house and three meals a day but come on do you even know who i am????? i am fucking god i deserve the whole world to bend to me but turns out i gotta work to get that ugh and i need to be a fucking man!!!! stop the baby crying stop all this bullshit just get to fucking work sit your fucking ass down and start laying down bricks of money i dont give a fuck how you do that boy just figure it out!!! get the fuck out of here get your house in bilbao get right fuck bitches in german clubs just life the live youre supposed to be living be the superhero youre supposed to be just reach over wit your hand and grab it damn!! feeling all sad and what for?! sigh this shit get tricky and my ego is killing me its fucking going to be the end of me fr i dont know i dont know i want more and more comfort when i should be doing nothing but running in the opposite direction i desperately need to man up and understand im not a kid and life is supposed to get rough but im not even there and its already rough my fucking mind is my enemy and my anger is piling up like crazy i dont know how close i am to doing something really stupid but in all honesty i wish thats close because im a pussy and i cant act on my own i hope my issues and all my feelings make me blow up and give me enough momentum to carry me out of this stupid situation i have nothing other than myself and im far from being a good ally to my cause this is terribly dumb but i have nothing else and id love to ask for help like any other sane person does but sadly i dont have it in me i sadly dont have that dawg in me but i want to change and ill change im out of here before the year is over and thats on gang or whatever stupid blackies say i dont know why i try so hard to emulate them i guess theyre as free as ill never be even if they were slaves lol whatever im out of here im giving much less of a fuck also and im proud of that i hope i get in a fistfight soon or some shit like that thanks for reading moodboard will be out in ten days so i have to figure that out too this text is far from being me and i deeply hate that im just in a bad mental state so yea
i can’t even be myself here
narrating a meltdown isn’t a good depiction
i have too much respect for coherency
breaking the line requires energy from me
he was right when he said i don’t know what brotherly love is
how could i
i don’t think it consciously but there’s the underlying notion that if i had a brother i wouldn’t love him
i wonder how it’ll be like
how i’ll look like once i peel off the layers
i like to think i’m actually quiet underneath
that i’m understood in silence
and at peace with it if i’m not
i disappoint myself in so many ways
every single day
i refuse to live
i refuse to let reality ruin my fantasies
and i choose to rejoice in my misery
mask it in mystery
whoever takes off the veil is in for a surprise
i don’t know what else to say
we need to talk about terrence malick movies
they’re similar
they’re kind of formulaic
but honestly they hypnotize me
i might not want to admit it but i want my life to be filmed like that
except nothing relevant happens in it
everybody speaking conceptually and symbolically
no explanations given
and everybody still gives away too much
i cringe every time i’m understood
it tells me
i’m doing it wrong
but aren’t you blood of my blood
im literally bojack horseman none of you stupid dumb bitches who say omg i relate to him actually know what the fuck youre talking about im extremely gone at this point im extremely alienated i havent uttered a single genuine thought in a long long time and every time ive felt slighlty wronged by the people i used to trust ive chosen to completely cut them off the truth is nobody deserves me not a fucking person in this world deserves my presence nor my chat nor nothing yet im so starved for connection and intimacy that i keep giving myself away for free because honestly what can people give me back??? absolutely fucking nothing and even if they could i dont want that shit i dont need anybody i dont need love and the actualy truth is i dont gaf about actual betterment all i want is to be seen as better better better than everybody else in this world i just care about superiority and nobody being able to fucking touch me or raise their voice at me but what does that give me truly?? fucking nothing but idc im deeply unhappy and miserable and nobody can fill the void i carry inside of me also these fucking machines are about to make me kill myself i dont care but thats false i care way too fucking much i cant not care all i do is care and care and care and the more things i get a grasp on the more shit i have to care about and now i could kill myself any sec because this music shit isnt working and my mixes fucking suck on those little ugly speakers nothing is going my way and maybe things could actually be going my way for a bit but this emptiness i fill wont ever let me enjoy them i cant lead a normal life i would kill myself so if i dont make it im definitely tightening a rope and hanging myself off a fucking lamp or sum i wish i had friends i wish i could genuinely enjoy someones company i wish i could experience love without feeling like i have to do shit to earn it theres nothing i crave more than that pure and unthought love but fuck that sounds so lame and dull and non cool i might as well just end it all if im tryna please everybody but myself i hate this stupid voice im listening to right now i hate this text i hate myself for not being able to swallow these fucking feelings and these fucking thoughts and just start working detachedly i wish i just didnt feel at all i wish i was a fucking robot i wish i was dead
intoxicao' por el poder, no se
quien maneja de los dos
si yo o el
un talento desperdiciado, ya ves
pero me sabe tan dulce esta miel en mis labios
quiero repetir otra vez
blanco y puro en mi nariz otra vez
contra tu cuerpo sin amor
no me digas que no debo
im insane i’m so fucking insane it’s not even funny i just want to scream but i’m probably just like anyone else am i not? like just any other sucker struggling mentally i’m just like them nothing special right? i can’t stop comparing myself with everybody yet i’m also stuck in my delusions or grandeur that i’ll never be able to ask anybody in this earth for help even in the slightest i guess that’s the difference between me and everyone else nobody will ever know what i’m going through no fucking body not even the 10 bots that follow me cause probably they don’t care they’re not even real lol i’m not even high or anything i’m sober but i’m so fucking fed up so so so fed up with everything all i ever do is convince everyone i’m living their dream life and i’m so much better and so much prettier and so much happier and crazier and quirkier and whateverer than everybody else in this stupid town and in the world but honestly i wish somebody could even grasp what i feel sometimes i guess this is not so much of a common problem and somehow that makes me feel slightly better lololol i dropped the one bitch i actually wanted in this life it was actually two of them but the other one was like three years ago and it’s lame to be stuck on that so i got me a new bitch real cool real special real quirky and i fucking dropped her!!!! just to feel miserable!!! im also a pussy lol i could’ve but i never shot my shot even while she was throwing herself at me so blatantly lmao what the fuck do i actually want for fucks sake all i ever do is lie and while i have a firm grasp in reality and can always distinguish a lie from the truth im the most miserable i’ve ever been i don’t think the normie people out there struggle as badly as i do but what if they do??? im not gon be special no more fuck anyways i’m a narcissist who’s probably high on agreeableness somehow and i’m also machiavellian as fuck and an empath who wants to do right by all but secretly enjoys others misery and can’t bear to see them be happier than me i wish everybody could just drop dead while i finish this music i’m working on that shit is about to make everybody care frfr y’all ain’t ready i’m about to blow up let’s just pray i don’t kill myself before!!! love!!!!
“Ambition is the death of thought.”
— Ludwig Wittgenstein, Culture and Value
EVERY TIME YOU POP INTO MY LIFE
ALL I THINK ABOUT IS VENGEANCE
I TEND TO FORGET YOU'VE PAID ALREADY
BUT IT MIGHT JUST BE A BOTTOMLESS PIT
today the sky was a different shade of blue. a greyish blue, and this isn't precisely an industrial city, but I don't complain, it suited me and this day. today things changed and I like when things change. the bittersweet flavor of change is appealing to me. it's either that or this partynextdoor joint.
I love how easily words travel across screens and storage units. words we see once, twice and then remain there, as data, waiting to be wiped or carried onto a backup process. they always die in the end I guess, but some people give them a longer lifespan, and I'm one of them. a romantic both of the lightness of not carrying a thing with me, and the heaviness of retrospection allying with a gloomily modified version of my past. I can pick a side but you'll always see me in the far end of one or the other. never in the middle.
even a little of something can get me sick. I suck living in the internet. I can't ever communicate right through the internet. the internet allows me to think and then think some more until all I want to do is stop thinking. the internet dooms my attempts at feeling fulfilled. the internet will also be the source of my fame and my success. guess we never really use things as wisely as we can. but aside from the internet, I can't effectively communicate. it's always a thing or the other, ranging from other people's control to my personal branding. it's always limitations. it's always some crystal walls I stomp against. and that comes down to living in the moment and just being. I like to feel influential, but I'm the one that's being eternally influenced. makes my manipulative tendencies appear like a joke. like a sniper killing his own people with a knife against his back.
today I tried new things and I failed. today I was brave enough to get out of my comfort zone and was unrewarded for it. not a big deal honestly but it meant a lot for me, good and bad. I guess confidence really is a talent. everyone would be happier if confident. I live a good life and I also feel eternally discontent, and that's about progress and internal rapport, and that's about confidence and security, and that's about value.
today I feel empty. empty-handed too. today I feel what the people that loved me must've felt every time I didn't give a fuck. but today I also want to stop feeling like this. I want to go out and act and seek my goals in silence. I want to conquer this little town with my own body and not with the talent I can't fully get a grasp on. I want to stop saying sorry and I want to feel at ease with everything I am, everything I think and say, and everything I can change. I've been wanting shit all my life. but this feels real. realer than my dreams. really makes you think.
EDITING OUR PAST ACCORDING TO OUR PRESENT JUST TO HIDE OUR PROGRESS PROVES THAT PROCESSES ARE RARELY NOT UNAPPEALING