Sometimes

It feels like time never slows down, like I never get that eerie morning when it seems like time stops, nor does it stop for me when I'm cuddling my cats, I need it to feel like the rat race is ending.

I've gotten worse with my drinking, because I've transitioned into closet drinking, and I'm trying my best to stop but I can't, I lost all support from my boyfriend who just gets uncontrollably angry at me for drinking even a little bit, it doesnt matter to him how I feel about this topic anyways, all he sees is my mother and my grandmother in me so he shuts down.

So I've been hiding the fact that I've been this down for a while, and unfortunately I got caught at my job for being buzzed at work, I was taking a shot for every rush we got, and we got busy and I didn't realize I wasnt being sneaky, so now I know I absolutely cannot drink at work even if I can handle it. I don't even know what kind of help I want.

I guess I just want my hands to be busy, I want someone to tell me how their days are so I can tell them how mine are, and maybe I won't be so bored as to walk to circle k and get my soda and four shots of 99 blackberry as per the usual, they don't even ask anymore, and I'm so embarassed to say oh no not that many today or oh no I'm trying to stop drinking

I'm such a chicken in confrontation I don't argue nor do I correct people's mistakes. Several times I've had to pay more because it causes me so much more anxiety to take a few cents off than to pay a few cents more.

It's dawned on me that I care more for how other people feel than for how I feel, and it's started to hurt more than usual, because I have a server attitude and personality you ask me to jump I'll ask how high

So I can barely take control over my own life, but I swear I'm trying

I swear I am

Rain

I dont have a parade to promote, or a talent to show , all I have is me, the way I am, who I am, what I like and what for, why I became me, that's all I offer. If I die, people will miss me, who they think I am, what they think of me, but in reality I have no footprint or roots anywhere. I do my best to leave something behind, but I'm not rich nor am I popular, I like mainstream things and I'm not very original. My posts are bland. I feel barely any passion anymore.

And I don't know how to improve either. do I go out more? Meet more people? Tell people my life story over and over again? How am I supposed to even make it in this world? Everyone who made me happy or made me feel validated is gone. And I can't get them back. I can't get me back.

I am not me. I am a shell of who I used to be. I'm barely enough to try living for. I offer you this, stranger asking me questions at this bus stop. You think I'm interesting, but in reality I'm a sad human being, living in the United States of bullshit, waiting to die. Wanting to die. Every other day. I am who I am and I am unapologetic. I'm disappointing. I'm boring. I'm sad and cold. I try but not too hard.

And when it rains, I cry. Almost all day and night. Whenever I can that day. The air feels like me, the drops are peaceful and quiet and it feels good.

The sound on the pavement feels familiar, like that's where I'm meant to be. I'm so suicidal and yet so excited for life, for a life that isn't mine, it's insane. I don't know how to improve anymore.

I don't know how to live on. How to move on.

And it feels like rain everyway. Every single goddamn day.

Anger

I realized that a lot of my problems come from anger. From deep inside me where resentment finds a home, anger is the king. I have to befriend it before I can learn from it and heal. A long process, but a hero's story is never short. And we are there and aware for all of it, beginning to end with enthusiasm and support. I have to be able to do it for me, figure out the issue and fix it for me, first, before I can really support someone I love who is suffering. Anger will hurt others before it hurts me, but it always hurts me no matter what, even if the other person can brush it off I cannot, and that's what I need to recognize in myself, to change and to fix so that I don't hurt anyone anymore. Anger. It's like a baby, a baby who is screaming and crying, and any normal person would try their best to get the baby to stop crying, to laugh at them, to be happy. I have been neglecting my baby, letting her scream and lash out and hurt me and my ears and my perception, it's time. Time to pay attention and to help my baby. My anger.

Wow

I really want to escape reality right now. I want to drink and do hard drugs and sleep until I die in it. I've got so much stress, so many things in my head, I got better only to get so much worse. My old coping skills aren't working anymore

#instafilter #fish #tetra #realplants #aquarium #sopretty

12/30/2018 added a string to correct stem

12/06/2018

11/14/2018

New fish tank arrangement! Added two pregnant black tetras and some real grass, changed out the black sand for light rocks, looks better!

10/04/2018

10/01/2018 My pine trees newest decoration! I colored the cat myself

A walk in the hallway wirh Merci, Seline peeked out but didnt come out past the door

08/20/18

My pretty kitties!! Only 2 are mine but i live with 5, the striped kitties are the babies and the white cat is dad the black cat is mom

My fish, a Beta, two black tetras, three rainbow tetras, two ghost catfish, and three snails but im missing one pic of it 20 gallon tank

Just a bunch of kitties