this gave me a, no joke, 60 second coughing fit and im still recovering

ok i don't think i've mentioned this, but i live near billy joel, and so i have some funny stories involving him lol

that's all i can think of now but i'll add to this if i think of any others

watching a movie at home circa like, 2001 was like

COMING SOON TO OWN ON VIDEO AND DVD

THX

Posts you can hear

Posts you can feel in your soul 😭😭

love it when people turn up late to my sociology lessons because you can see my teacher holding back a rant about bus deregulation

student: sorry i'm late my bus got cancelled, you know how it is

my teacher:

people get specific as they age

:O

[lower case: the earthworm does not think of all the earth through which it must move but only the 5"x5" pocket of dirt that surrounds it in the here and now this is how it performs its god given duty and you are no different from the earthworm and you too have your 5"x5" pocket of soil and you too need only find the smallest possible step you can take and do it and then find the next smallest after that, and the next smallest after that and the next smallest after that and the next smallest after that remember the mountain does not exist anon only the track below your feet and where u take them love you be the earthworm good luck /end]

"Welcome to your engineering ethics final exam"

You guys do know you're supposed to reblog things, right

"well i like this post but i'm worried my followers might not" fuck your followers. The entire point of tumblr is to cause irreparable psychic damage to your followers. We are locked in mortal combat on the astral plane. You must win. You Must Win. You Must Destroy Them.

a) my dad used to do this kind of shit to me b) need to start doing this to absolutely everyone in my life

Ohhhhhj so the childhood self doesn't disappear forever they come back as a ghost when you are struggling to break into adulthood and sit with you during your lunch break so you're not alone. Alright

I love the "came back wrong" trope but from the opposite side.

Imagine you are dead. And then you are RIPPED from the embrace of decay into the world of the living again. Your memories are hazy and you don't recognize any of these people, but they act like they're close to you? Like they love you? So you try to get your memories back, to act like you belong here, but everybody tries to forget you died. And you can't. It is omnipresent. And just trying to grapple with that fact pushes the people who "love" you away, and they're incapable of understanding, and they're so confused, what's wrong N̶̄̀O̶͛͗T̷̉́ ̷͋͝Y̴̎̌Ȍ̴̈U̸̓R NÄM̴̃͑E̵̾̇? And you just need them to understand, you aren't that person! You aren't! You don't know who that person is! You don't know why any of this is happening, but they're unwilling to bend, they keep insisting you are that person, your memories will come back, everything will be normal again, and you want to scream and cry and claw yourself open to show them you're different. Your existence as a being wholly separate from whoever you "used to be" is a sin unto itself. All you can do is scrabble for life and to them, you're killing whoever they loved to do it.

just. lots of fun in that concept, you know?

My dearest mutual you will not hide this in the tags

just kicked this dude so hard his worms came out

"boys will be boys" not if I get to them first

genius, revolutionary, deserving of an award

@bearotonin-international

the face of a man with no regrets

Put salt in your baked goods. Put salt in your desserts. Just do it. Please. Salt isn't just for savory, it's literally a flavor enhancer so even a pinch can take a meh recipe to one people can't stop eating. Listen to me. Your cookies and cheesecake bars are bland and uninteresting. I'm taking your hand. I'm guiding you with a gentle touch to the back. We can do this together. Trust me.

another underappreciated tumblr feature that you dont get on other sites is the queue. i love it when something i thought was funny six months ago and then forgot about a week later crawlts its way out of the processing vortex and i get to see it all over again.

you should queue this post it would be funny and grant me immortality

you motherfuckers put me in the processing vortex