@jetbuilder / jetbuilder.tumblr.com
When you’re realizing your non-binary and then you download and play with FaceApp.
This is a bit of a mindfuck. My perfect scenario would be to be able to present as androgynous and then vary my gender expression from there. More masc or fem depending on what I’m feeling.
I’m still feeling out how I relate to gender but I love this AMV and can relate to it in ways I’m not sure how to describe. When I was a kid I did often wonder what I’d be like if I were AFAB. I remember one time when I was maybe around 8 I got ahold of a long wig and wore it around the house. My brother and his friend were outside and they saw me go past the open door. The friend asked my brother “That your sister?” I got an odd feeling hearing that. It was kinda like a rush wondering what it’d be like to be seen as a girl. I kinda jealous that girls had so many more socially acceptable options in clothes and accessories to express themselves.
I don’t think I’m trans as in I want to be a girl but I do like the idea of not being anchored to male stereotypes and presentations. I’ve been wondering if I’d consider myself enby. I like the idea of being androgynous but I don’t think I’d be able to pull that kinda look off. Partly because I don’t have the energy/ambition to put that much work into my looks. These days I just wish society would just get rid of gender rules and stereotypes.
Recently watched this movie again and I felt it had a lot of parallels to my life of masking so I made this video. I was an undiagnosed autistic kid in school and I did exactly what Leo did in school to avoid bullying. My school experiences caused a lot of social anxiety and I’m still dealing with the effects in my mid 30s. Finding out at 29 I am autistic has let me recognize the mask I’ve been carrying around since elementary school. I’ve spent the time since then trying to let the mask go. It’s been there so long though that I don’t know who I am underneath.
Chatty autistic ppl, I love you
Quiet, or nonverbal autistic ppl, I love you
Semi-verbal autistic ppl, I love you
It isn't your responsibility to conform to autistic stereotyping. Let yourself breathe, and just be yourself.
I’m autistic, asexual and am not sure if I’m panromantic or aromantic (I’ve never had a “serious” romantic relationship and I don’t know if I really want one).
I’ve always been “meh” about being a boy. I don’t really feel any connection to the societal idea of what it means to be a man. I do have stereotypically male interests but I don’t connect those interests to what’s in my pants. I think part of that is that I’m asexual. When I see in movies/tv men drooling over women I just roll my eyes and think about what it’d be like to experience those urges. I can’t really put myself in their mindset for that.
What really annoys me is when people assume I’m a stereotypical “man”. I think a lot of that though is being Ace and dealing with their assumptions I’m into women if it came up. It’s also that I “shouldn’t” be into cute “girly” things. I remember when I was a kid and I’d paint my nails with my mom. I liked the colors on my fingers. A couple times when I was around 13 I tried on a couple of my mom’s sun dresses when no one was home and even then I questioned why clothes are gendered. I like the aesthetic of “cute girls”. Not necessarily because I want to be in a relationship with them, but I kinda wish I could incorporate that aesthetic into my own.
I sometimes wish I had a face/body that could be androgynous. Even if I did though, I feel like I wouldn’t have the mental energy/executive function to maintain the appearance. I feel like if I woke up tomorrow a different gender I’d be okay with it (besides the thoughts of HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN????) lol. I kinda like the idea of messing with people because they couldn’t decide if I was a guy or girl.
For the most part I don’t feel dysphoric about my perceived gender from others but I kinda wish people wouldn’t just assume other people’s gender identity, let alone be asshats to non-conforming people. I don’t feel the necessity of asking people to use neutral pronouns or anything like that. I just wish there wasn’t stigmas around gender non-conformity.
I'm not sure why I seemed to suddenly lose interest in Tumblr. Decided to come back to post things I don't really wanna talk about on Facebook (manly because of my Trump loving family)
Will make a longer post later when I have more time.
My recent obsession
I can't stop thinking about this movie. I love it so much. It hits me so hard emotionally because I can so much relate to several of the characters in different ways. From being bullied in school for being “different”, to social anxiety, self imposed social isolation to avoid the bullying, thinking about wanting to die (for a short time in middle school), feeling like my unwillingness to confront my problems in life (partially caused by my anxiety/ASD) make me unworthy of having a good life and friends, feeling separate from people who consider me their friend.
This may become my all time favorite movie because it means so much to me. It's one of those movies that I want everyone to see and love it as much as I do.
Luna is my patronus.
Even though I’ve been diagnosed, there are times when I wonder “Maybe I’m not autistic,” but then some shit happens like something’s too loud or I can hear and feel my pulse in my head and I’m like, “Never mind, I’m definitely autistic. Hella autistic. Look at me, autistic as fuck!”
Reminds me of the time they tried to claim she grow up in *this* house and was therefore a pampered limousine liberal.
The gas-lighting here is off the charts.
And now
HOW DARE SHE? A FORMAL SUIT? A NICE JACKET?
Why she should show up to work looking like a Victorian Chimney sweep straight out of Charles Dickens!.
It’s like these rich fucks don’t know you can buy designer clothes at Ross for 20 bucks.
Man, they are REALLY out to get her. Seems like every day I see some new attack. On a freshman Congressional representative!!
They are so scared of her.
She saved specifically for this. It’s why she has savings. How far do they think 15k goes when you move to a new city with expenses and won’t get paid for 3 damn months?
I have never understood the mindset of the rich that it is unfair if a rich man is not able to afford a third mansion or fifth yacht, but if a poor person can afford a microwave or a formal jacket then they are clearly spending too extravagantly to be poor.
Not only is it because she isn’t rich
It’s because she’s a woman
A woman of color
Who is a self proclaimed democratic socialist
It’s everything rich white men fear.
A non-white, socialist, WOMAN!!!
and they apparently really believe that pointing out that she has savings and a nice coat and didn’t grow up in a literal ghetto-hovel is gonna convince poor people that she’s not One Of Us… even though we all know that all these things are entirely believable and don’t mean that she’s not struggling. They just mean she’s smart enough to be able to budget and set some money aside for emergencies, and she’s able to at least sometimes obtain (either by saving up and/or shopping sales or thrift stores, or having people who like her enough to give her nice gifts occasionally) nice clothing. And that, like a lot of us, her parents were able to afford to buy a house.
I can relate to this a lot. In elementary and the first year of junior high I was bullied a lot. I was called weird and teased for the things I liked and for not liking what others were into. At the time I couldn't really see why other kids thought I was weird, so I just started trying to hide my whole personality. It kinda worked so I kept at it. In highschool tried hard to "stay under the radar" and I didn't have much of a social life those years. I only had a few friends in highschool, who I'm still friends with nearly 20 years later.
Over the past several years I've come to realize the amount of anxiety my experiences in school caused. It still really affects me. I don't really feel like I know how to "be myself" around people. I don't think I truly have since elementary school. Back then, when I was being myself, kids would tease me for it. I don't think I ever really got over that. Even these days, it feels nearly impossible to feel completely comfortable around even close friends and family. I sometimes think that if I didn't have so much social anxiety, I'd be a big RPG (role playing game) nerd. lol
Getting an ASD Dx has helped. It helped me figure out why other kids saw me as different and targeted me for bullying. It has also given me answers for a lot of other things in my life. Now, I'm starting to think a lot about the way other kids treated me which caused my anxiety to try and undo it.
I was a kid with undiagnosed aspergers and the only people who really saw that and did something about it were the bullies. That lead to a lot of anxiety and unhealthy coping strategies, like trying to mask my personality and differences. For so long I thought I was somehow broken. There's a saying I saw about a year ago that has become incredibly meaningful to me when I think about my school days.
"Autism acceptance is realizing that I am a normal version of me and not some broken version of normal."
I'm trying to take that to heart and am working on trying to accept that I can open up more to people now even if I might come off as odd or different.
Socializing while autistic feels like you’re a random audience member pulled onstage during a play. A play where you don’t have the script, don’t know where the story is going and don’t know the context of the scene you’re now part of. The actors are all wearing masks that hide their features and neon colored contact lenses that make looking into their eyes painful.
You have to pretend you’re part of the play. Maybe you fool the audience just long enough to get to the final curtain call.
Maybe you fall flat on your face as soon as you’re onstage and now everybody knows you’re not like everyone else up there.
Either way, it feels totally awkward and nerve-wracking.
I love this so much!!!
I’m really proud of my imaging telescope setup and the images I’ve gotten with it. Will be doing a few major upgrades next year. My current upgrade/wishlist is up to $4k. lol
I can relate to this. I sometimes wonder “Am I really just a lazy screwed up NT who just refuses to take care of themself and am just subconsciously using autism as an excuse?”
I think that is my biggest fear. That I’ve convinced myself that I’m autistic to have an excuse for things and I’m wrong about being autistic.
These feelings are slowly disappearing though.
Been away from Tumblr for a long time. Been obsessed with astrophotography the past year and a half. I’ve gotten a lot better over the past year. I’ve been slowly upgrading my telescope. After I get a new car next year I’m going to do some major upgrades to my imaging setup. I have a good job now and will be able to take trips out west to get under some really dark skies. Really looking forward to taking some road trips to star parties.
-hearing tiny beautiful sounds like water droplets and leaves crunching -knowing lots of fun trivia from special interests over the years -brightly colored things that make ur eyes happy -that feeling when someone asks you to tell them about sth you know a lot about and it’s infodump time !!!!!! -the Good Foods™ -when ur logical and rational thinking helps you solve a problem or think of something other people wouldn’t -nice textures are So Nice: cats, very soft blankets, smooth and cold stones, the inside of a brand new sweatshirt
(we could all use some autism positivity. pls reblog and add ur own! it’s ok if they contradict each other or if u don’t relate to all of them; we’re all different)
-finding out you share echolalia with someone, and echoing it back and forth!
-when someone shares something because it’s related to a special interest of yours!
-when someone shares that your special interest thing consistently and specifically reminds them of you!!!
-helping other people explore their autistic experiences, and inevitably learning something about your autism from them too!
-friend is stimming, I stim too, echo stims ad infinitum~
-hey, that stim toy you just got looks cool, wanna switch stim toys for a bit? Cool? Yeah, awesome - oh, this is really good! Okay, let’s switch back now.
-seeing other people stimming, especially in public!!! what a joy!!
-sharing info about a special interest with someone, and seeing them get interested too - esp. when they get long term or really deeply into it!!
-getting excited pictures from friends of their new stim toys, or precious objects
-long distance autie connections - “I wish you could have been here, it was sooooo soft!!!”
- how vibrantly happy you can get!
- realizing something you do is an Autistic Thing and suddenly it’s not weird and there are other people who do the same!
- relating to animals!
- scented candle stores!
- unique happy stim dances!
- having plushie collections <3 <3
- that moment when you find out someone shares a special interest and it’s Special Interest Collision Supernova!
- epic reference retention capacity!
- the sheer amount of love and positivity in our community!
The Permanent Special Interest: This, as the name implies, is the permanent one. It never seems to go away, even if you have other minor special interests. This one can last for decades, and can even influence things such as career choices
The Changing Special Interest: These special interests can come and go rapidly. Some can change every few months, some can change every one or two weeks. They can co-exist with the permanent special interest
The Constantly Returning Special Interest: This is the one that you constantly lose and regain interest in. You have moments where you’re not interested in it as much, and moments where it really excites you. It’s like a continuous cycle
I have “Changing Special Interests” I get super focused on one of my interests for a few months, not having any interest in my other interests at the time. Then something can make me think of one of my other interests and a switch gets flipped in my brain and I’m completely obsessed with another interest.
I’ve been on one of my interests (astronomy\ astrophotography) for 7 months so far. I’m really happy that I haven’t yet gotten burnt out and moved onto one of my other interests.
