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Jesus In A Life Boat

@jesus-in-a-life-boat

He/Him, 19YO. I reblog funny posts and cute animals.

Your roommate is so bad at pretending to be a human, you’ve started to just automatically back him up in public. Tonight he tells you how nice it is to know the only other alien in the city, and you have to break the bad news

It started pretty simply. “Needs more plutonium,” your roommate said on your third day of university as you ate noodles together. Then he froze, staring at you, the colour draining from his face.

A weird joke to pull out, sure, but not panic-weird. You grew up a nerd. Your in-jokes are weirder. This guy, you decide, is unbelievably shy. Might have had bad experiences. Or social anxiety maybe.

You just give him a reassuring grin. “Definitely needs more plutonium,” you agree, and take a big bite of noodle, and something in him relaxes and he looks at you with a strange kind of understanding that you can’t really interpret, and from then on, you have a new close friend.

Love this!

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day 19(?): boredom got way worse, trying to make myself a victorian friend

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gained conciousness, not ashamed to show some tits

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no more bare tits

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oh shit a bow

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having a moment

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🎶sleeves sleeves sleeves makin puffsleeves gonna look like french meringue doesnt even rhyme at all not even a little bit🎵 shhhh shhhh go away kitty

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aight folks that’s it for today i have some booing to do at the tv about some shitty and inaccurate costumes

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good morning sluts, back to work

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fellas im straight up not having a good time im in the middle of a lil meltdown over how much time i’ve spent sewing roses on my skirt before realizing they were anuses (or ani like cacti? 🤔)

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we’re gonna be so pretty

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wig snatched

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shit do i gotta act like a lady now?

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if I play dead it might goes away

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oh my im getting hotter by the minute

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what a lovely creature im having a real beuty and the beast moment… wait no that bitch is a furry

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I’m SO flattered (and self-centered) i had to hang up your amd @a-sip-of-anxietea ’s drawings I just love them ❤️

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girl’s night out(ish) 🍻

I know I just reblogged this but it got even better!

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if Candice has a picture phone why did she never just take a photo of what phineas and ferb were doing and text it to her mom

if she did this doofenshmirtz would just be like you see perry the platypus i sold my old computer at the pawn shop but i forgot to delete all those embarrassing photos from the christmas party, which is why i’ve invented the pixel-replacinator! and then as candace is going to text her mom the photo the phone gets hit with the beam and she looks down and she’s just texted her mom a photo of doofenshmirtz in a sexy elf costume or smth. candace can never fucking win the universe bends to facilitate her psychological torment

Didn't this already happen with his video of him roller-skating into a toilet? Also, she tried it before and something always went wrong: she had to delete a photo to make storage room and deleted the evidence instead, a llama ate her phone, she accidentally ripped the photo in half - always something. Also, the boys were filmed on TV countless times and appeared on giant billboards. Something always happens.

there's just nothing that beats being at home. the world will try to convince me i should be doing more and it's like yeah but im at home

like if youre at home right now just take a minute to be like UGH yes im at home 

OH MY GOD I NEEDED THIS

For the chronically anxious and/or otherwise mentally ill:

This is not a screamer, jumpscare, or any other kind of horror link I don’t know the name of. It will not cause you to question reality and as far as I’m aware, there is no reason it should cause any kind of hallucinations or psychosis. I don’t want to spoil the surprise because it’s DELIGHTFUL but I am happy to tell you it’s very sweet and gentle and also great lowkey stress relief. This is a cinnamon roll link appropriate for all ages (yes, all the way down to babies) and you will enjoy it if you click it. ❤️