god did the “fish underwater are dry” video get taken down? bc real talk that was the funniest fucking thing ive seen all week
found it on youtube this time holy shit
I’m the guy screaming about submarines
literally im him
college is catered towards the able bodied and able minded. school applauds people who can stay up all night, skip meals, and work endlessly. that kind of extreme contribution is expected. why are disabled people being squeezed out of academic institutions? why should I feel inferior because of some arbitrary and ridiculous standard?
It’s really awful, because even in schools that are ‘easy’ to get accommodations with, the accommodations when you think about them, are things that you probably shouldn’t be forced to ask for. Like being able to take a break in your exam (which is 3-5 hrs long). Or being allowed to have food or drink in exams or class. Or being allowed to be a little late to some classes/leave early without penalty. These are things you literally have to get documentation just to have, let alone something like extra exam time for dyslexic people, or someone who has poor motor cognition and can’t write quickly. Extended deadlines for assignments are still held to an arbitrary ‘within reason’ standard, which may mean you still are expected to stretch yourself beyond what’s healthy to get the teacher’s assignments done. The whole accommodation-getting process is ridiculous, too. You have to prove that you’re ‘abnormal’ and have a doctor sign off on it, which I found horribly humiliating. Then you have to take the paperwork to the school’s office, and they can decide whether they think you deserve the help you need based on what they think your disability requires. (For example, I felt that leniency with absences would be helpful for me when my anxiety and depression were causing me to miss classes. But they decided that would probably just give me excuses to ‘skip,’ so how about extended deadlines instead? Because extended deadlines will totally take care of the fact that my grade is going to be docked if I miss one more class, and there are some days I physically cannot haul my body out of my apartment. Shall I bring witnesses from among the people who saw me collapse and go full hyperventilation under that tree while I was trying to force myself to class in the middle of a full-meltdown panic attack?)
I mean, the accommodations process and what you get out of it are better than nothing, but it just seems so wrong to me how we’re forced to jump through hoops to make the college environment bearable for us, when the unhealthy extremes shouldn’t be the norm anyway.
fanfiction, the gift that never stops giving even when i beg it to
How Gaga’s speaking voice has changed over the years
Honestly the best thing I’ve seen all day
How she go from pillow princess to butch queen in 9 years? I love it
[also how did they skip the ICONIC, fake-ass Paparazzi era accent]
Kimora in full face wielding a power drill is such a mood
parents that try to guilt trip their kids for feeding them and providing a roof over their heads are disgusting like that is ur responsibility as their parent, as someone that chose to raise them, that’s part of the damn job description and in no way do ur kids owe u for that, not even a single bit
my brother is teaching his cat how to high five by giving her a treat every time she successfully taps her hand to his hand, which is all well and good, but now she thinks that she is entitled to food every time she high fives someone. i can’t eat in the same room as her anymore because she’ll just bap my hand rapid fire and then go nyoom straight in for my pizza like no Kelly that’s illegal go finish ur own dinner
i wanna thénk my määäāāam,,, and my daaæd
My mom just sent me this video without any context??
thanks mom, how’d you know what i was doing today
For the love of Gods, unmute this please
I wish my mom was like this.
shirts, socks, underwear, and shorts are the “meat” of an outfit because you feed them to the washing machine after one use. jeans, jackets, scarves, and some hats are cartilage because you use them a few times before washing them. shoes, belts, and jewelry are bones because the washing machine cant digest them. this concludes my TED Talk
an authority figure: [expresses slight, arguable disappointment in me]
me, shaking: Wow. Can’t Believe I’m The Worst Person Alive
my uncle
-is allergic to chocolate -is physically incapable of laughter (it comes out as a hiss, like steam escaping a pipe) -has weird long vampire teeth -once led a chemical attack on some college students who had bullied his high school chemistry class -named his bicycle Tom Bombadil -got hired twice for the same job as himself and his fake identical twin because his boss wouldn’t hire him full time -is the only member of my family to have shown me open and unconditional support -is a clean-cut nerd… who used to be a psychedelic Deadhead and follow them around on tour -enjoys snacking on an exercise formula called “goo”; his favorite flavor is “plain”. Plain goo. He gave me a box of it for Christmas once and it’s as gross as it sounds. -cannot touch mangos -teaches meditation seminars at his Buddhist temple -has begun studying magic -used to be obsessed with cults, especially Scientology, and would just… spy on their temples -is so fucking weird -used to drive a car that he’d covered entirely in plastic lizards, until someone stole it -is terrified of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and still has nightmares about them
-is sending me on a roadtrip to the National Radio Quiet Zone for fun and education
-showed up to a family outing downtown this morning, wearing nylon shorts and expensive leather Oxford formal shoes -cried himself to sleep as a child because he desperately wanted a pet alligator -has experimented with god knows how many psychoactive substances…. For Science -is a literal masochist, as discovered this afternoon, when he told me all about how he’s addicted to the “excruciating pain and unexpected pleasure” of physical therapy -has feet so long he has to get shoes custom made for him - they have, in the past, been mistaken for clown shoes -once took his girlfriend on a date to lick the St. Louis Arch, in winter, and later revealed that he only framed it as a date ‘cause he was afraid of going alone in case his tongue got stuck to the metal -told me that he loved how bananas made his whole throat feel tingly, was surprised to find out that bananas are not supposed to have this effect -was disappointed that I did not bring a book on demon conjugation to the family reunion, because he wanted to compare it to his own translation -got banned from going down a slide today because he was dripping wet and had clearly been swimming…. he was just really sweaty from climbing the stairs
-sent me a check but forgot my legal name and put my nickname on it instead (it can’t be deposited and he hasn’t sent another)
this is what he wore to a family outing downtown
He showed up to our Christmas Eve dinner wearing a dress shirt, fancy slacks, and flip flops. All he ate was a bowl of smoked oysters.
new cryptid
these crows have fun by swinging from a willow branch source
CROWS TAKIN TURNS CAUSE TYERYRE SO POLITE
here is a fine oil painting of my shapeshifting goo-man father with the weird face
back in my day we didn’t call it “shitposting”, we called it “nightblogging” and blamed the australians
I’ve been on this god forsaken website for too long.
ok there is a difference between nightblogging and shitposting nightblogging is like “what if apples screamed when we bit them?” shitposting is like “a crisp one donger bill”. nightblogging has more of a focus on theoreticals, especially in stating absurd thoughts in normal ways. shit posting is more often the opposite, stating normal things in ways that make them absurd. “a crisp one dollar bill” isn’t funny or unusual, but replacing “dollar” with the absurdist internet word “donger” is what makes it funny & thus a shitpost. it’s not necessarily that one is more coherent, but that they’re differentiated both by form and by lexicon. nightblogging is surrealism, shitposting is dada
I’ll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words “crucifix nail nipples” into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way.
I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please?
All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.
The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.
Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.
Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.
Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.
If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.
So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t stop”
This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.
When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.
A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.
And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.
