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it's only time

@jcams88 / jcams88.tumblr.com

and when the bitches come for you, let that bullshit be water off a mother fucking duck's back.
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reblogged
gallusrostromegalus
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heedra

when my local friendgroup hit our late 20's/early 30's we all metamorphosed into ancient romans and/or redwall characters bc now whenever we have 'get togethers' ppl are always bringing over cheeses and crusty breads and cured meats and olives and grapes and ales etc

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duckbunny

the ancients were wrong about many things but they were absolutely right about snacking plates

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I’m running on 4 hours of sleep and 200mg of caffeine right now and both of those are Not Enough to make me a fully functioning person 🙃

#real life
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I just made a cheesecake from scratch for the first time in my life but it's not just any cheesecake. Oh no... it's the cheesecake my estranged father lead me to believe was his secret recipe but in reality it was from a cookbook that's been in my mother's kitchen my whole life. I made a spite cheesecake. That was the last bit of nostalgia I had for that man and now I took matters into my own hands and made it myself. Get absolutely fucking W R E C K E D Dave

Also here's the recipe for everyone else. It's a cheesecake in a shortbread cookie crust. Enjoy!

#real life#cheesecake#baking#recipes from shitty parents#recipes#better homes and gardens
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Hmm I’m rethinking reading this book that just got EXPLICITLY smutty while in the same room as the artistic director of this theater I’m working for…

Perhaps I’ll just… find something different 🙃

#real life
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reblogged
gallusrostromegalus
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kaity--did

It’s that time of year again when I have to remind everyone in my family that if they gift my child an elf on the shelf it will immediately become firewood because one thing mama ain’t raising in a snitch.

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synebluetoo

Things I’ve done to children instead of elf on a shelf:

  • Told 4-7 year olds that throwing tantrums makes their teeth come loose
  • Green vegetables taste bad because they have the same stuff in them as the ninja smoke bombs that make people pass out, but if you eat a little bit at a time you will become immune and thus defeat ninjas.
  • The dentist knows the tooth fairy
  • Dogs and cats know when you say swear words and it hurts their feelings
  • Monsters in the closet think the floor is lava and can only walk on toys and clothes you haven’t put away
  • The good spirit of the house likes the sound of water, so flushing the toilet and washing your hands will remind it to protect you

So many child psychologists must know about me.

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kaity--did

Okay but the dentist does know the tooth fairy that’s just facts

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derinthescarletpescatarian

That floor is lava thing is genius

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reblogged
oldfarmwitch
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xaina-cosplays

if someone says they dont want to be touched

  • dont touch them
  • dont fucking touch them
  • actually dont touch them
  • dont continue to fucking touch them after they make it clear they are uncomfortable
  • THIS ISNT FUCKING HARD DONT FUCKING TOUCH THEM
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reblogged
lvsifer
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zoevulpez

I am SO glad the Goncharov meme happened before image generating ai you don't even know