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Ever just have one of those days

Where you wake up with the intention of doing something constructive

Like you have plans and set goals on things you wanna do within the day

Then you face the day

Trying to accomplish whatever you intended

But then somehow you can’t seem to focus

Or you find yourself knowing exactly what you need to do but procrastination kicks in

Then when you finally work up the courage to do what needs to be done you’re unable to think up any ideas

Your mind constantly drifting to the most random shit

Then reason with yourself that you’re overthinking and need a distraction of any sort to calm your mind

Then somehow you find yourself doing the complete opposite of what you intended or even just doing the same old shit as before

The anxious feeling you had initially seems to pass and then without even noticing most of the day is gone

Feelings of guilt and self loathing burst forth

Panic and questions of what the Fuck is wrong with you or why you keep doing this to yourself rage on your mind over and over and over again

Then with the shame of defeat you lay your head down at night

Silently hoping that tomorrow will be different but knowing somehow that it won’t

You drift into a numbing sleep only to wake and begin the process again

Today was one of those,

Fuck.…

I don’t know if I’ll ever get better. It’s just a cycle that repeats itself feeling better one day then back to suicidal thoughts/ depression the next day.

I’m longing to find myself again.

/