it drives me bonkers the way people don't know how to read classic books in context anymore. i just read a review of the picture of dorian gray that said "it pains me that the homosexual subtext is just that, a subtext, rather than a fully explored part of the narrative." and now i fully want to put my head through a table. first of all, we are so lucky in the 21st century to have an entire category of books that are able to loudly and lovingly declare their queerness that we've become blind to the idea that queerness can exist in a different language than our contemporary mode of communication. second it IS a fully explored part of the narrative! dorian gray IS a textually queer story, even removed from the context of when its writing. it's the story of toxic queer relationships and attraction and dangerous scandals and the intertwining of late 19th century "uranianism" and misogyny. second of all, i'm sorry that oscar wilde didn't include 15k words of graphic gay sex with ao3-style tags in his 1890 novel that was literally used to convict him of indecent behaviour. get well soon, i guess...
Okay listen I have another disability related thing that’s important!!
If you have any disabilities linked to tooth decay/erosion, through direct cause or secondary symptom, it is vital that you get one or both of the following items: Sensodyne toothpaste and enamel repair mouthwash
This includes health conditions such as acid reflux, diabetes, thyroid conditions, fibromyalgia, chronic pain & mental illnesses such as depression that create poor hygiene routines, sensory issue disorders like autism and ADHD, and any health condition that causes frequent vomiting / increased stomach acid, including eating disorders and migraines.
All of these disabilities will erode the enamel of your teeth, not only opening you up to cavities but making it very easy to chip your teeth from such simple things as biting the wrong way on the tines of a fork. (I’ve chipped my teeth at least 4 times this way).
The toothpaste on the left here (sensodyne pronamel) is gentle on your teeth, won’t cause painful sensations from any extreme mint flavor, and will even protect your gums if they’re sensitive from any of these conditions.
The mouthwash on the right (Crest enamel repair) will, as it says, repair your enamel — which is marvelous, because the technology to repair your enamel at all is relatively very new to society! — but it is most importantly non-alcoholic. Meaning that it works well as a once-a-day rinse without any of the burning sensations of antiseptics that typically discourage people with sensory issues from taking care of their teeth.
I know remembering to do these things every day can feel like a lot when you’re sick and exhausted, but I promise a collective three minutes out of every day is going to save you an incredible amount of pain and money in the future. If your teeth are susceptible enough to rot, you can actually die from infection. And as they say, with how little insurance actually covers dental —
Not brushing your teeth??
In THIS economy???
Dealing With Executive Dysfunction - A Masterpost
- The “getting it done in an unconventional way” method.
- The “it’s not cheating to do it the easy way” method.
- The “fuck what you’re supposed to do” method.
- The “get stuff done while you wait” method.
- The “you don’t have to do everything at once” method.
- The “it doesn’t have to be permanent to be helpful” method.
- The “break the task into smaller steps” method.
- The “treat yourself like a pet” method.
- The “it doesn’t have to be all or nothing” method.
- The “put on a persona” method.
- The “act like you’re filming a tutorial” method.
- The “you don’t have to do it perfectly” method.
- The “wait for a trigger” method.
- The “do it for your future self” method.
- The “might as well” method.
- The “when self discipline doesn’t cut it” method.
- The “taking care of yourself to take care of your pet” method.
- The “make it easy” method.
- The “junebugging” method.
- The “just show up” method.
- The “accept when you need help” method.
- The “make it into a game” method.
- The “everything worth doing is worth doing poorly” method.
- The “trick yourself” method.
- The “break it into even smaller steps” method.
- The “let go of should” method.
- The “your body is an animal you have to take care of” method.
- The “fork theory” method.
- The “effectivity over aesthetics” method.
𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝟏𝟎𝟏
Femme Fatale Playbook: How To Construct A Mysterious Aura While Still Maintaining Your Personality
Oversharing is the simplest way to breach your own boundaries. When you think about it for a minute, you realize it's a form of self-sabotage and can take away from your high-value allure, charm, or the magnetism that radiates from cultivating a mysterious personality. Here are some tips to practice self-restraint in conversations to own your privilege to privacy and construct a more mysterious aura.
- Understand the root cause of your talkative nature: Are you genuinely extraverted and gain energy from speaking to others, or do you have repressed thoughts/emotions/ generally feel unheard and use social conversations as an outlet to release these thoughts or feel seen?
- Find ways to transmute this communication, but make it self-referential: Journal your thoughts as a stream of consciousness exercise or as though you’re speaking to a close friend. Draft a document that reads like a short dissertation on a topic that you would love to talk endlessly about but know would be a disservice to your reputation or mysterious allure if you shared it with someone else (an embarrassing story, details of a work fiasco, sex stories, a fight with a family member/romantic partner, a hot take or controversial opinion on a polarizing topic, etc.). Write anything that comes to mind. You can even create a voice memo as a mini-podcast to yourself to get the feelings out.
- Reframe your mindset: Having a mysterious personality means being selective – not repressive – with how you share information, engage in conversations, and present yourself to others.
- Create a social rulebook for yourself: Write out a conversational “dos” and “don’ts” list. Decide on the topics/stories you want to share in a given situation and those you want to avoid discussing (work, family setting, intimate social gathering, dinner party/wedding, etc.) to help censor yourself/curate your image. By having a plan in place at all times, you’re doing half of the work beforehand to help you avoid oversharing when in interpersonal settings (at least most of the time!). Always have a few “fun facts,” opinions on cultural topics (music, movies, celebrities, current events that aren’t politics or religion, fashion, historical facts, favorite books, etc), and light-hearted stories that you keep in your metaphorical back pocket to give you something to talk about in particular conversations.
- Always think before engaging: Before speaking, consider this way of thinking when you enter a conversation: You want to share information that helps you connect but allows them to speak more about their personal experience (so you feel less vulnerable). You don’t always want to hold back.
- Learn the art of following up. Re-articulate to connect: Essentially, allow the other person to speak, and ask thoughtful follow-up questions. Paraphrase their points to confirm your understanding of what they’re saying. Make generalized connections about the overarching themes/point of their opinion or life story. This way of responding will help you become captivating to the other person. It makes your conversation partner feel understood on a deeper level.
- Connect through intellect without being intimate: Share your thoughts on topics, just not your personal experiences as to why you have these opinions necessarily. This approach allows you to maintain a mysterious aura without appearing closed off. Sometimes, you can intellectualize your conversation points and relate certain surface-level portions of your story/life experience to current events or other cultural/worldly subjects. Use these more philosophical or worldly connections to ask more follow-up questions. Make sure to read, educate yourself, and stay up to date on different topics across industries/life arenas to help you navigate a wider variety of conversations.
Always maintain proper posture. Talk and move slowly. Practice grace and elegance with your hand gestures, slight fidgets, etc. Keep a calm demeanor, smile, and maintain eye contact. However, it's important to remember that being mysterious doesn’t mean being cold. Still laugh, smile, and show that you're enjoying the conversation.
Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE / ハウルの動く城 → dir. Hayao Miyazaki.
Men are held to such low standards in relationships and it’s infuriating; just today I heard from my co-workers that ones husband never drove to come see her when they were doing long distance, and the other’s hasn’t mowed once in their 30+ years of marriage.
Like we like fun at lesbians moving fast in relationships, but that’s because women are socialized much differently than men, and those traits lead to healthier relationships. Though gender roles are fucking wack in general, you can’t deny that women are raise to be more understanding, expressive, and caring in general. My girlfriend drives 2 hours to come see me every weekend, and my friends boyfriend can barely make the 40 minute trip to come see her.
When women are in relationships with each other, they are more likely to talk about feelings, and go farther for their partners. Women do this in hetero relationships too, but it’s rarely reciprocated if they’re with a cis male.
I read an incredible essay about how gay marriage is incredibly beneficial to straight partners, because straight relationships always have a basis in inequality, due to societal gender divisions. Gay relationships show what it’s like to have a relationship without a gender based power imbalance.
Ladies, if you wouldn’t put up with it from a best friend, don’t let a boyfriend get away with it. Cultivate a society where men in relationships have to at least have basic decency; not only through your partners, but also through how you raise your sons.
I’m shamelessly rebloging myself because I think this is a very important concept that more people need to be introduced too; I hope this gains traction and shows people to think critically about how they are treated.
this is like 8 years too late
don’t let tumblr make you believe that
-smoking is cool
-being a narcissistic bitch is acceptable
-trusting nobody is healthy
-starving yourself will make you beautiful
-hating everybody is okay
- that working hard for grades isn’t worth the time
- that having mental health condition is a perk
- that self harm should be romanticized
- that abusive and codependent relationships are cute
- that not being in a minority makes you any less of a person
*finds myself then leaves her alone*
Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
Since CEN is about what your parents DIDN’T do rather than DID, it can be hard to identify if you were emotionally neglected as a child. Here are some signs of potential CEN, paraphrased from Jonice Webb’s Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.
1. Expressing guilt, discomfort or self-directed anger for having feelings (especially negative feelings)
Apologizing for crying in front of therapists, friends, or loved ones. Preceding statements of emotions with apologies: “I feel terrible saying this, but I didn’t really want to go to the family reunion.” “I know this is wrong, but I felt like walking out.” “I know this means I’m a bad person, but I get really angry when she does that.”
2. Fiercely defending parents from negative interpretations (from therapists, friends, or loved ones)
The emotionally neglected are desperate to protect their parents from blame. They tend to view their parents as somewhat ideal, and are naturally driven to blame themselves for their struggles. When others get close to identifying ways in which their parents may have failed them, the emotionally neglected adult is quick to explain that their parents “did the best they could” or “aren’t to blame.”
3. Doubting the substance of their memories from childhood
Many emotionally neglected adults have difficulty recalling specific things about their childhoods. They often report that their childhood feels like a blur that’s hard to differentiate into exact events. furthermore, they often distrust their own emotional read on the childhood memories that they do have. When they’re reporting their mother’s temper, their father’s workaholism, etc. in therapy sessions with me, they often pause to question the reality, importance or validity of their memory. “I feel like I’m probably exaggerating it. It wasn’t really that bad,” one woman said to me while tears were rolling down her cheeks. “Isn’t this boring for you to listen to?” one man said to me while telling me about his parents’ lack of reaction to the death of his dog when he was ten. Or, “I don’t know why I’m telling you this, it’s probably not important,” another man said while relaying a story about how his cherished stepfather disappeared from his life after divorcing his mother.
4. Lacking understanding of how emotions work; their own as well as others.
The emotionally neglected are apt to have a low Emotional Intelligence Quotation (EQ). But it is very difficutl for the emotionally neglected to realize that their emotional understanding is poor. They grew up in families in which this was the case, and they’ve lived their lives this way. Here are some signs of this “alexithymia” (inability to identify and describe emotions in the self). You may need the help of a therapist, friends, or loved ones to identify these signs in yourself:
- repeated physical discomfort (may be evidenced by squirming or fidgeting) when experiencing an emotion, especially a negative one
- telling emotionally intense stories in a way that is completely devoid of emotional content (not talking about how you felt, brushing off your own negative feelings, joking about something that should clearly be emotionally disturbing)
- changing the subject quickly or resorting to humor when someone steers a discussion in an emotional direction
- showing a repeated inability to give answers to feeling-oriented questions. This may consist of giving intellectualized or avoidant answers.
Intellectual response example: Q: “What did you feel when she told you to leave?” A: “I thought she was being a jerk.” (Questioner asked for a feeling; answerer gave a thought or judgment instead.)
Avoidant response example: Q: “What did you feel when she told you to leave?” A: “I hadn’t realized she was that angry until she said that.” (Questioner asked for a feeling; answerer gave information that did not directly answer the question. A feeling answer might have been, “I felt surprised.”)
5. Counter-dependence
The emotionally neglected feel upset with themselves for needing help, especially help from a therapist, friend, or loved one in dealing with their negative emotions. They may see their need for therapy or emotional help as weak, pathetic, shameful, foolish, or frivolous. “Shouldn’t I be over this by now?” “I’ll bet not many 37-year-olds are still trying to learn how to say no.” “I don’t like feeling that I need you. I want to stop treatment for a while, to make sure I can do it on my own.” They feel ashamed for not being able to handle things by themselves.
6. Memories
It’s hard to glean what didn’t happen from childhood memories. Things to listen for:
- Memories of a parent drastically misunderstanding the child’s feelings, needs, or personality. One young woman about to obtain her bachelor’s degree in social work told me about her parents’ pressure upon her all through middle and high school to skip college and take over her father’s brick delivery service. I found myself wondering whether these parents had any idea at all who their daughter was.
- Memories that entail the parent negating, ignoring, or over-simplifying the child’s emotions. For example, one neglectful mother said to her son, “Your big sister misses her father” soon after their father suddenly passed away, paying no heed whatsoever to the feelings of her son.
- Memories of a parent having a favorite phrase that squelches the child’s emotional expression, like “Don’t be a baby,” “Get over it,” or “Stop crying.” (Not that many mindful parents might use these phrases on occasion; it must be either used extremely inappropriately just once, or used frequently, to indicate that it represents a general philosophy of Emotional Neglect.)
- Memories that convey significant feelings of deprivation in some non-physical area that was important to the patient as a child. “I was fascinated with the guitar but my mom insisted that I be a violin player.” “I REALLY wanted to be with my friends in middle school but my parents were really strict.”
- Memories that seem unimportant but have a lot of emotion attached to them. On the surface, the event in a memory might seem trivial, but the lack of emotional attunement from parents can make it memorable. Watch for intense but seemingly meaningless memories, because they’re often remembered specifically because they’re loaded with the invisible pain of emotional neglect.
Some people are able to see on their own that they are depressed or have anxiety. But it is unusual for an adult to identify emotional neglect for themselves. If you doubt if these signs sound like you, try asking a therapist, close friend, or loved one for their opinion!
the inherent shame of beginning… dont look at me while i learn
“the inherent shame of beginning”
i admit, “don’t look at me while i learn” hits hard… but why is that so? when i was 7 years old i sang along to songs i had yet to fully learn by bumbling through sounds that half-resembled what i thought i heard, at full volume.
at 6, i would practice ballet moves–in which i had no instruction–outside the theater after a professional performance, in full view of the public.
at 5, i asked my teacher so many questions that she affectionately called me Bug–because i was always bugging her with my endless inquiry. i loved the nickname.
at 14, i was afraid to practice a song in my own room with no one home because, “what if my voice cracks? what if i can’t hit that note?”
at 15 i was afraid to dance in the garage with no one around because–i mean how embarrassing would it be to get the move wrong?
at 16, i forgo asking questions in class because god forbid i not understand.
what is this? “the shame of beginning”, we say. but not inherent, never was it inherent. the child loves to begin! they love making the silly mistake. the world tells us the mistake is fatal, or worse, shameful. what a tragedy. the world strangles our joy of beginning and when we’re old enough we add our own hands to the neck.
but the truth is we begin everyday and we are wrong and we’re dumb and we make silly mistakes and at the end of it all we are still the brilliant learners we’ve always been. there is no shame. it’s alright. i don’t know how to properly express that i wish upon everyone who’s reblogged this post to realize the shame is in our hands wrapped around the neck. we can let go. allow the self-kindess of your heart to soothe the bruises.
learning is no secret burden. we do it together :)
Was this meant to be inspirational? Because it is and now I’m halfway to tears
I’m at the “we’ll see” stage in my life. With everything and everyone. We will see.
yeahhh hahahahha