for years... I had been ignori g him. I saw him as a weird quiet boy...just like me. We saw esch other at lesst twice a year but NEVER crossed a word or even a look. One good day we had to socialize or die of boredom... there's where all started.

3.10 yrs have gone by and I feel so lost. I know O love him but he makes it so fucking difficult. what should I do? keep tryin or just quit? for some reason, march is always a really har moment for both. Somehow... we always break up during march but it just lasts a week, maybe less. After that, we continue. But do we really do? continue, I mean?

I miss you so fucking much!!!!!!

you have no fucking idea how much I miss you, how much I miss your voice, your eyes, your smile, your scent, everything and by everything I mean everything.

I cannot even remember the way you are supposed to sound like

The teddy bear you gave me is not enough, st all. I have hugged it so many times and slept with it by my side so many night but its just not your I need your warmth, your skin touching mine. Your breath and mine syncing while we watch something or while we are just talking about life.

What hurts me the most is that apparently I dont exist for you anymore. I dont even know if you remember me or if you still have feelings for me. It really hurts, I want to think that I dont give a fuck anymorem I really want myself to believe that but its pure bullshit. And also, when my mind is finally making... its mind about how I should tell you how I feel or how to break up definitely with you...videos appear abd tell me not tonlet go. Or videos tell me that you are the one..m or that you sre at least meant to stay here a bit longer, so I just crash and dont know what to do but torment myslef.

I often think about it... what shouldnI do to make sure he still likes me, how do I even like myself. I need to be skinnier, with a big butt? or am I just ugly as fuck like they used to say behind my back?

I haven't seen you since the 7th of November 2020. That means, I haven't seen you in 2 months and 13 days. That is a lot, more or less we stopped seeing each other when this sht started. Thing is I don't know when I am going to see you again because, well... all the things that have been happening to your family.

I miss you so much. I miss your ... well, I miss your everything. I am scared that the distance has made you realize that you dont love me, that you dont like me and that you are okay without me. To be honest, sometimes I feel so lost. A couple of weeks ago we were talking about incredible stuff, things that could happen, things we could do in the future. Right now you barely ask me how I feel, what I think and you are not even sure what you want.

I know I dont have the perfect anything, I get it and tbh, I can see the perfection in the girls tha surround you, I would definitely understand if you changed me for one of them, I wouldn't blame you. They have. nice boobs, body, butt, everything... I also bet they're pretty intelligent.

I just feel so lost.

I want to cry and hug you but at the same time I wanna go back to the last day we saw each other. That was such a good day. I would also want for you to tell me something nice... which I get, it is difficult right now but it hurts... ugh, i dont even know

I might be way more gay than I originally thought 😳😳😳

just broke a salt grinder and it made me feel so fckng good! the moment i t broke I finally felt able to cry. The tears finally rolled doen my cheeks and the know that I had been feeling in my throat finally went away

idk anymore...

Do gaydars really exist? or how the fck we get the vibes from other people?

After talking with the girl who used to be one of my best friends, I came up to the conclusion that having kids doesn't make you mature. More responsible, well..kind of... because you've gotta take care of a kid and stuff like that but your mind could still be as immature as a 16 yr old.

The fact that her older daughter is almost 6 yrs old and this woman still cannot believe it worries me a bit. She is crying over her daughter not listening to her, doing whatever she wants. How can she raise up some kids when she is still a kid? So far I've noticed it is like to girls just playing house and getting mad at each other instead of "I am your mother, you shall respect me or..." I feel like she is living in a game and when reality hits her... damn.

Not saying that I am the most mature person of the whole world but she has to turn down her teenage mind a bit, see things as they are and act like so.

She is a year older than me and says she is surprised about the way I act, as if she was so mature and wise (not saying she is not but , I mean...she has not even lived, LIVED.) and looking at me down like "yay! you've grown up!"... hun, that's life, that is what it's supposed to happen, not have a kid when you're a kid and suddenly feel like you've grown, know everything and now have a say in everything because you're an adult.

She cannot even take herself seriously. She only knows how to live with a guy next to her that tells her what to or not do.

Not saying that all teen mums are like that but I mean... it is so desperating to see somone fuck her life and then act as she is so wise and adult ... when she is still so emotionally immature and thinks like a kid.

Okay, sonhow do I even stsrt? we are still going crazy...

and you know what? you saved me.

Yesterday you arrived, it was a surprise. I will never forget the way I felt. I was in a huge state of shock. Seeing you there... me in my pjs... dude, you saw one of the worst versions of myself lol.

I remember going up to my room and just thinking what I was going to change into. I remember walking down the stairs, nervous as fck, just like the first time we went in a date, the first time tou hwld my hand, the fist time you hugged me and like the first time you kissed me.

Damn, It was so lovely. Thanks for the surprise. But now, changing a bit of theme... I think I fcked up... so badly... lets say I fell even deeper in love with you.

The way you acted, was so different in a good way. I loved it all. The way you had me patience , the way you wanted to learn new things, gosh! the way you treat my nephew I can definitiely see you surrounded kids in the future hahaha.

I loved how you hugged me, like if you were saying "don't let go, I won't let go". The way you pressed my against your chest. I could feel your heart beating so fast and loud. I loced it, I felt home somehow.

I loved the way you kissed me, so delicate, slowly and at the same time, so passionate. I definitiely could tell that THAT kiss definitely had a special meaning.

Thabks for staying uo with me till 2 am, especially when you were supoosed tk have class the next morning.

Tha ks for the little things, the little ways in which you held my hand, how you pulled me towards tou, how you put your arm around my back. Everything.

This time it really felt different. We were so peacefull, so chill, so...in love. I liked how you kept the spooning, the talking, the looks, the small kisses... the tight hugs, the passionate kisses, the lip biting, the... everything.

The moment when I rwalized what you were hiding in the phone... I felt even better... you avtually care, so, so much.

I love you!!!!!!!!!!

Dear gay diary/blog:

I was talking about how gay I am... something around 60/40

Anywhoo

I remember being bi before my realization.

I remember being 2 yrs old and trying to rescue a doll, then, just like in Sleeping Beauty, I gave her a kiss.

By the time I was 4, I remember giving a friend of mine a kiss and automatically thinking "what if they think I liked it???? what if they notice? what if...they think I like girls but I am only supposed to like boys?" (call me crazy or poser but I really thought about that)

From 5-7 I remember thinking I admired Michelle Rodríguez

When I was 8 my dolls used to have gf or bf.

When I was 10 I thought I had to have a crush on a boy, that girls were supposed to be "off limits"

When I was 11, a friend of the family came out as gay. I was so happy to know that it was something acceptable.

By 12 I felt like something was "odd". I liked a girl, one of my closest friends. It was weird to have this feelings when everyone was kust crushing in guys.

By 13 I knew I was bi.

At 15 I came out to my friends

Today I am still 20...still in the closet with mu family

What would it be like if one day we met?

Would I be the person you imagined me being? Would you be the one I have imagined for two years?

I really hope I get to meet you one day.

Finally be able to hug you, hesr your voice without having to wait for the messages to load.

How do I feel?

I feel terrible! I am constantly living in fear. I wouldnt even call it "living" just plain surviving. I am scared of being alone. Just a couple of minutes ago I was walking down the streets and these guys were looking at me in a weird and disgusting way. I even felt disgusted with myself, disgusted because O felt they just stared at me up and sown and could do nothing about it.

An hour ago, I was walking and I saw this guy at a shop and later on in the streets, I am still kind of nervous that he was following me or some weird, FUCKING SHIT like that! 😭

I really want to cry, I feel a horrible sensation. I am truly scared. I just want my friend to arrive and feel comfy once more 😭😭😭😭

I want this situation to change, I jusr dont know how. I dont want to be tagged as a radical feminist, vut I dont want to feel this vulnerable 😭. Shit is seriously getting out of control.

Okay, honey...

PLEASE BE DIRECT!!!

Like you've been telling me that Sagittarius and Gemini people have a really high compatibility rate so... is it like a hidden message? Do you like me? is it to tell me imdirectly that I am the bestest of your friends from school?

Like, I am sure you are quite queer but at the same time pretty unsure... my gaydar is not that precise.

So... are you flirting with me or just messing around?! PLEASE FUCKING TELL ME!!! I am confused as fuck!!!!

Last week I was taking some photos and had to use food colouring...

several drops of red stained my hand... and even if it has been years since I did what I did... I could feel that tingly sensation once more...

Yes, part of me likes the creative, chill, artsy kind of people... but...you.

You are and engineer... cold, serious, logical... and at the same time so warm, so funny...you wander away with me and maybe that is the reason why I love you.