itslilpluto reblogged
another night wasted on debauchery
lord be with me today. Please.
yea it doesn’t make any sense at all. hurtful. extremely hurtful.
that really does suck that these two couldn’t remain loyal to their friend at all like. really does suck. 12th house profection year is truly in full effect now. first half was mental health, isolation, and now it’s hidden enemies. ugh. ughh. there’s truly nothing more to say.
except i have so much more to say. i’ll never have enough time to spill out everything i need to say. is this temporary, or is this something i need to start grieving?
we all do crazy things sometimes (fuck over your best friend, fuck random guys in your penthouse)
damn. its really just me against the world. got to adapt and act accordingly. even though it hurts so much.
hey siri play hold on by adele
itslilpluto reblogged
at the end of the day it's not that you hate your job - actually, you like working, you like routine, you like feeling like an adult - it's that any time you fuck anything up, you feel like you're fucking dying.
because you could be actually fucking dying. because if one day you wake up and you misunderstood something - you could lose your job, and nobody is hiring, and nobody is paying, and nobody takes people like you, and that job you want hasn't gotten back to you. and what exactly are you going to do without insurance? good luck with those meds. you should have thought of that before being a person.
so it's not just that you forgot to CC someone on an email, it's that if you don't have this job, you can't afford rent. it's not that you misread a comment, it's that if you get fired, you will be in massive amounts of unpayable debt. it's not that you are bad at your job, but here are the stakes as they have been decided for you: be perfect or fucking die. like, literally, die. that is how much safety net you have: none.
it's not burnout, technically. but you literally just had two typos in your work, and you're already picturing the ending. you want to throw up & curl up & make it all go away. it is two typos. if he decides he is mad at you, you lose literally everything.
your mom says that you seem stressed. the thing is that you have never known a job that isn't stressful. welcome to capitalism. there is no other road, only this one. what the fuck is a career. you come here, and we hold your life against the barrel of a gun, and somewhere someone is spinning the chamber and pulling. eventually the bullet will come.
you live in a mugging. your boss owns three cars and has four kids. you worry about having enough to feed your dog. good luck. beg for forgiveness. CC the right people next time and be grateful, kid. somebody has it worse than you. someone, probably, has it worse than you. so what if you can't sleep or eat or focus. your work chat sound literally makes you panic. you had to change the sounds of computer notifications so you'd stop having such an upset stomach.
welcome to the real world! the rat race! the dog eat dog circus!
your doctor studies the results and frowns at you. "it's bad for your heart," she says. "try to reduce your levels of stress."
like it’s truly crazy where i work. what i even do for work. like people really cannot find decent jobs that’ll pay you HALF a living wage. and i be walking to that place doing THAT thing. and im only going to get even better at it too like that’s crazy. idk just feeling so weird about how my life is panning out. holding onto faith like my life depends on it.
I have to keep at it. I can’t fail. I can’t give up. Next week I’ll try a bit harder to prioritize rest and self care. But I cannot give up this life that God has gifted me with. He placed me here for a reason, I just know it. I need to stick the course and be ready for when the time comes — for when it all works out.
I want it to snow again so bad
as long as i can keep this up, i suppose :’)
itslilpluto reblogged
You meet god and she's mostly dead fish. You ask her why and she says most of the world is dead fish, and she's made herself to appeal to the most common denominator, the everyman funnyman comedy show that runs for eleven seasons but with the entire universe in mind. You ask her how much of the dead fish is your fault, she says it's far less than you'd think, in the grand scheme of things. You ask her if you matter at all. If you can do anything. She shrugs her rotting shoulders and says mattering is a made-up concept, like life, but sure, you can matter if you want to, on some scale. She has many scales. She doesn't know what you mean by 'anything', but you can do everything you can. You ask her if it's enough. She says there's no base requirement for deserving to exist. She's smoking a joint and the smoke filtering out of her gills gathers and forms gas giants and red dwarfs. You ask her if there's any hidden secrets of the universe you should know and she says it's not a secret if she tells, plus it's fun to let you figure it out yourself. You ask her if any of your questions were right questions and she says you worry about being right so much it might keep you from fucking around, which is as close to meaning of life as she ever bothered to make. You don't ask but she says she loves your hair, also your whole being, also your planet. She says she figured out what love is yesterday and is trying it out, which explains the ten thousand rainbows and sudden influx in rains of fish. She offers you a drag of her joint and you wake up half past midnight behind a chain restaurant clutching a smoked salmon. The new stars are winking like they're in on some joke and you're sure if you try hard enough you'll remember what it is.
def on a downward spiral. praying that i survive the day.
I really do value a mental connection with my partner. Someone who I could talk to about whatever I want and they just *get* it — even if they laugh at the way I expressed it. It doesn’t feel like I’m getting that anymore. We’re in two completely different places in life, in two wildly different spaces, and I’m not sure if just “love” is enough anymore.
don’t do shit but waste time and money.
can’t post anywhere else because then folks will know I’m awake and I shouldn’t be awake.
it’s been 3 months since I’ve started covering this new beat. i’ve learned a lot in that time. i’ve achieved a lot in that time. i’m truly starting to get it.
but i have my next evaluation this week and i’m not looking forward to it at all. they’ve been on dick since my very first meeting. they shot me in the foot from JUMP and now they’re about to pretend like my productivity isn’t good enough for the amount of time I’ve been here. but it’s not fair. they didn’t give me any tools to succeed when i first got here. they obviously weren’t expecting me and nobody cared enough to truly help me.
it takes 3-6 months to get used to and good at covering a beat — that’s what everyone has said. but they took away 3-4 months of my time here jumping from beat to beat. i wasn’t able to grow or advance or get it in the way that i do now. it’s not fair.
but they don’t care about that. they don’t care about me. here i am absolutely killing myself to stay here, to perform for capitalism in the midst of the world collapsing. but they just simply don’t care. why should i?
it’s scary not having a prestigious, well-paying job in this climate. i see my friends and see how they’re forced to sell their labor in less glamorous ways for way less money. i don’t want to be stuck in that position. i also have rent to pay — less rent than before now that i have a roommate, thank god, but still.
it’d be scary getting fired. what a blow! i used to feel so smart, so competent, so excellent. and now look at me.
but don’t i have faith that it’ll all work out for my highest good? isn’t that what i learned these past few years — to believe in myself? to trust in God? hasn’t it all worked out? even if it doesn’t work out in this moment, at this company, shouldn’t i have faith that it’ll work out eventually? why stress or beat myself up or push my mind and body to the brink? i’m so young.
the conflicting messages I’m getting from the world is so confusing. everything is so unfair, the odds are stacked so high against us, and simply living comfortably is a dream. if i fall now, I’ll be swept away into the lower class, working for Jeff Bezos. but at the same time i’m being told to rest, to treat myself, to prioritize my peace of mind, to simply believe and let the cards fall as they may.
i don’t know anymore. I simply have to keep pushing forward, no matter the cost. i just hope the cost isn’t my life. i truly don’t want the cost to be my life. i have to be there for my sister, for my mom, for my best friends. i can’t let these people take my whole life away. i can’t. i can’t.
i need to move in gratitude and faith. i need to focus, be present, and manifest. i need to completely heal myself and build a life that i’m not only proud of — but physically content with. enough letting the doubts, procrastination, addiction — everything — get in my way.
i need to trust the Lord again and lean back into His hands. i was disobedient — i’m still being disobedient. but i will get better. and i will be my best self. one step at a time.
just gotta take this all one step at a time
itslilpluto reblogged
just a girl in her room trying to forgive herself
ye I’m cooked.