I Am Going To Go Completely Feral

made this yesterday out of boredom

enjoy

Starting a new thread of insane shit I over hear my husband say to our toddler.

2. “Come now my child.”

*bluey the album starts playing*

3. “Oh I am so sorry. You’ve been mildly inconvenienced. How dare I truly”

4. “It is she! Her Majesty, Queen of the Sludge, Keeper of Goo, DJ Baby P (In the House) Dropper of Beats and Clapper of Hands”

5. He is in charge of bathtime and he lifted the ghoul tonight while singing “come with me and you’ll be in a world of baby sanitation” and I laughed so hard I snorted pasta

6. Okay this is more one that he said to me about the toddler but he was home with her while I was at work and I just got this text

7.

“Happy Independence Day Sweetie! Nationalism is a cancer!”

8. This is another one he said to me about her but still it made me laugh so hard I nearly choked

9.

*Penny babbling in the back seat, many la la las coming from her car seat*

“Are you singing us a song? Ah yes the dulcet tones of goblin”

10.

“Listen kid, I can’t let you have the cup anymore because you keep chugging the bath water, so we just have to remove the cup from the equation.”

11.

*penny is screaming, trying to climb back up a big slide at the playground*

“Someday you’ll learn about ,I don’t know physics and the myth of Sisyphus ,and you’ll start making a lot of connections I think. “

12. *Pen is still screaming and baby cussing about not being able to climb back up the slide*

“The problem is that you set goals for yourself that are unattainable by both man and baby.”

13.

“You can keep the cookie container, I don’t care. What kind of father would I be if I tried to separate a small raccoon child from her trash!?”

14.

*Penny is crying because the bucket she insisted on sitting in fell off the couch with her in it. Husband is bouncing her and rubbing her back after assessing that no physical damage occurred, just a bruised toddler ego*

“Oh my poor sweet angel. She fucked around and found out.”

15.

16. “The only three things this child cares about is Elmo, Cooking Videos, and Keith Tryguy”.

17.

“Hey. No! Cup privileges hereby rescinded, bath chugger”

18.

we miss him a lot

19.

20.

“I just don’t know how you and I, the two most indoorsy people to ever exist, managed to give birth to I don’t know , Baby Bear Grylls!?”

woke up today and realized that tumblr entirely killed fuck ya life bing bong so here ya go again

I DIDN’T LEARN ABOUT THIS IN DRIVING SCHOOL

Stop says the red light, go says the green

Wait says the yellow light, twinkling in between. 

KNEEL, SAYS THE DEMON LIGHT WITH ITS EYE OF COAL  SAURON KNOWS YOUR LICENSE PLATE  AND STARES INTO YOUR SOUL

THIS IS ALWAYS FUNNY

@irritatedlifeguard I agree with your tags.

this is literally the first tumblr post i remember ever seeing. we’ve come full circle.

I FOUND THE REST OF IT

funniest thing about the thing (1982) is that the titular thing is both a master manipulator who can perfectly replicate anyone but also a big bundle of nerves who flips out and starts screaming and turning into 5000 meat parts at once the INSTANT it’s found out

like at one point the thing replicates a guy who has a heart condition, promptly has a heart attack, and then gets so freaked out by the defibrillator it starts biting people

the thing is a master actor who is absolutely awful at improv and the show keeps going wrong

sheesh

whenever I say “sheesh” this is what I’m referencing. No idea what people younger than me mean when they say “sheesh”

tip: you can associate fictional characters with favorite songs. but watch out

C-3PO makes me laugh because you have to remember he was assembled by a child out of things from a scrap heap. Everything about him makes sense if you bear that in mind. Anakin wanted a droid who could help his mother, but the only AI package he could find was one somebody threw out for being too fussy. The combination of tweaking to give him a worried/caring personality makes him constantly anxious. A protocol droid comes with a fair amount of language packages, but why stop there? Somebody threw out like, three different galactic language dictionaries because they weren’t the recent edition. Just load ‘em all up. all of them, even the packs that contain things like ewok and a thousand variants of different manufacturers’ droid codecs. don’t add half the other requirements most legal protocol droids have included at the factory like emergency wipe protocols or shutdown failsafes, or programmed obsolescence. Build that sucker out of non-commercial materials that are already over a hundred years old and still good, tweak it to withstand tatooine of all places.

so now you have this droid that is over thirty years old and it could never be obsolete because it was never manufactured by anybody but a kid on a sand ball somewhere, it’s never running down because it was built to last on tatooine and there’s nothing programmed in to try and urge you to buy the latest model because there is no latest model. 3P0 is simultaneously totally useless yet hyper functional because he was not made according to any specs except “the best most toughest things possible to help my mom for a long long time on a hot desert planet”

Even funnier is that when he gets back to Tattooine in A New Hope, his circuitry can’t handle the sand.  His gears get gucky.  And then Luke has to give him an oil bath.

Which means, after Bail Organa told his staff to wipe C3PO’s memory, they went even further and replaced parts of him - and his oil - with the new stuff, making him unable to withstand the environment of Tattooine.

And then he winds up with Leia, Han and then Luke (all three of them who are used to by now cobbling things together to get things done, two of whom inherited Anakin’s genes), gets taken apart and then put back together by Chewie (who along with Han is used to cobbling stuff together on the Millenium Falcon) in The Empire Strikes Back, and then when he gets dumped head-first into the sand after R2D2 pushes him off Jaba’s sail barge in Return of the Jedi, he’s not affected.

Which is a really great metaphor for capitalism, really.  Because capitalism is far more interested in what will generate the most profit rather than what will work the best and last the longest.

Goku is on Namek fightin that Frieza guy…Goku uhh…flyin or doin somethin over there…

for context’s sake: this is from JBVO, a show hosted by Johnny Bravo where you could call in and request your favorite episode of a CN show and Johnny would play it for you. for the most part it worked out pretty smoothly since at the time cn’s shows mostly had an average episode length of 7 to 11 minutes.

but one day a viewer requested that they play their favorite episode of dragon ball z, a show with 23-minute long episodes. due to time constraints with both dbz AND jbvo they had to work a compromise: a sped up version of the requested dbz episode played with johnny narrating over it so people understood what’s going on

Listen my basic human empathy does feel genuine horror for those people who most likely died in that submarine.

But my working logical brain is also scoffing at anyone stupid enough to spend 250k to get into a heavy metal coffin, sinking to see the ocean floor graveyard that is the titanic.

Like just watch the movie, man. Spend 250k to go to Venice or some shit.

Why the titanic? We all know what it looks like. We all saw the movie.

"People don't deserve to die in such horrifying ways" and "You voluntarily got into a jerry rigged unregulated submersible to go to an incredible hostile place you shouldn't be going to anyway what were you expecting" are statements that can coexist

What the fresh hell is this?

It’s so ugly. Why is it slightly off centre?

What makes Dr. Doofenshmirtz such a fun character is that he chooses to be evil as a career but in his day to day life he’s actually a very nice and considerate person. Unlike Francis Monogram.

Unionized labor vs unpaid labor, hmmmm.

Look, I’m not saying the immigrant who came up from poverty in part because he was adopted by an endangered species of mammal would have thoughts on capitalism, labor rights, and environmental causes, but…

OFKDKDKFOSKAKFKFKKFJDKAJDKDJFKFJSOWKDKFJKFDKHDKFFJAKFJFK

Seeing people either pray and hope for the safe returnal of the 5 submarine billionaires or laughing at rich people dying but I'm hoping it resurfaces with a single alive guy in it somehow.

same but I want it to be a guy that wasn't on there originally