Is Anyone Out There?

I never want to hurt you ever. I want to treat you like a queen. I never want you to feel that kind of pain. I will do anything to prevent you from feeling that pain. But does that mean i will destroy myself inside? Why do I keep things inside? Why do I not know how to properly express my emotions? Why do I break my own heart and pull away? Why do I pull away when I can't confront you? Is there a difference between civily confronting someone vs accusing someone vs just expressing concern? I believe the answer is yes and no at the same time. All three of these things are very closely intertwined. Jealousy is a bitch and a half and has a lot to do with trust. Why do I feel jealous? Or is it a lack of trust? Or is it a insecure thing? I think it's an insecure trust issue that causes the jealousy. Not untrusting in you because there is no reason to not trust you but a trust issue from the past. The trust that has been severed and hurt me so bad. You breaking that trust demolished me. I don't know if that lack of trust will ever heal itself (I hope it does). I don't like being how I am and this is where I start pulling back because it triggers something and try to not get hurt. I don't ever want to feel that kind of hurt again. I also was told by a friend that in order to love you have to risk heartbreak and it is so hard from the fact that all you know is heartbreak.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm ready. Sometimes I feel that I'm as ready as I ever have been. Sometimes I am so confident and sure in everything. Sometimes I'm second guessing everything from the most minor things to my lively hood and living. Sometimes I just want to sleep forever and never wake up. Sometimes I want to live and do everything I possibly can. Sometimes I think I fell through the cracks and never tried hard enough or struggled enough to get help. Sometimes I want to donate every materialistic thing that I own and live with just the bare minimum. Sometimes I want to buy any luxurious item I want. Sometimes I think that I will never have the life I want to live because of the uncertainty in my head. Sometimes I want to give everyone my all, but that's not possible so I just disappoint. If I don't disappoint someone I feel as if I disappoint myself. Sometimes I just want to punch something really really hard but then reality kicks in and I think about what if I broke my hand or what if I broke whatever I punched; I would have to fix my hand/the item and that wouldn't be worth the cause of fixing either. Sometimes I feel like I am in a rip tide called life, where I am just getting sucked into the same routine and can never escape. If I do escape what will that look like? Will I hurt the ones I love? Will I enjoy it? Will I want to do something drastic? Will it be good for me? Life is moving so fast and I feel that I am always 20 steps behind no matter how many speed boosts I have.

The darkness is creeping closer and closer and I don't know how to stop it

I break my own heart