5/12/12

Sorry I never visited your grave.

I think I must be meant to struggle and lose everything in life.

- Lee

Please stop making me feel this way. I can’t take it anymore.

You tell me you love me.

You tell me you’ll be patient.

You tell me that you’ll wait until I’m ready.

You tell me to not rush.

You ask me how much longer.

You ask me why can’t I just be ready.

You say it’s because I don’t want it.

I tell you that’s not true.

I tell you I’m not ready.

You say you understand.

You ask again if it will be anytime soon.

You tell me you are tired of begging.

I’ve told you and told you a million fucking times.

I told you I’m not ready.

I told you I’m new to all of this.

I told you I’m nervous.

You told me that was okay so I believe you when you say that.

You turn it around on me everytime.

You make me feel guilty for not being ready.

You make me feel like I should be the one apologizing.

You make me comfort you after you freak out about it.

You apologize to me for pushing me.

I accept your apology.

You go back to asking me when will it happen.

I tell you I’m trying.

I don’t tell you that you’re making it harder for me to be ready.

I don’t tell you that everytime you try something I start to panic.

I don’t tell you I panic because my best friend was raped and now I can’t think about those things without thinking about her.

I don’t tell you that you’ve caused me to have multiple panic attacks a week.

I don’t tell you that I have to take medicine to calm down.

I just tell you that I’m sorry.

I tell you it’s fine.

I tell you I love you.

Because I do.

I’m so afraid I’ll lose you.

I can’t lose anyone else or I’m going to lose my mind.

- Lee

i don’t understand why my brain works this way.

Panicking and falling,

He couldn’t catch his breath.

Shaking and hyperventilating,

He didn’t know who to turn to.

Another late night,

Waking up every second because he’d hold his breath in his sleep.

All he wants is the pain taken away.

So he takes his pills to sleep

And looks forward to feeling brain dead and numb the next day.

- Lee

You’re pushing me to the edge of a cliff.

You don’t care that I’m afraid of the fall.

You just tell me it’s for the thrills.

That I need to be brave.

That I need to get over my fears.

Think about it this way though.

Maybe someday I do want to jump.

I want to do it on my own time though.

If you push me too far and too fast,

I’m not going to survive.

But if I jump on my own,

Maybe I’ll learn to fly.

- Lee

You make me feel so fucking guilty for my own choices.

I don’t owe you fucking anything so I wish you would stop making me feel bad for not giving you what you want.

How many times do I have to tell you I’m afraid before you understand? You just turn it on me.

I’ve apologized a million times even though I don’t owe you one damn apology. You just make me feel like I do.

I’m sorry you’re sexually frustrated because I’m too afraid to do anything. I keep trying to explain myself but I don’t know how to tell you I’m afraid because my best friend went through something I never want to go through.

I know you would never do that to me so that’s why I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want you to think I’m comparing you to a rapist because I’m not. I’m just afraid because of him. I just wish I could tell you but I don’t think you’d understand anyway.

I’m so sorry.

All I want to do is go back two years.

I want to go back to when I had my best friend.

To when I just started my job and everything felt refreshing.

To when I didn’t work every single day and had time to be and discover myself.

To when I still had a lot to learn and look forward to.

To when most of my laughs and smiles weren’t fake.

To when I had a reason to get up in the morning.

To when I actually valued myself.

Everything changes so quickly.

You lose people.

You lose your mindset.

Then all you have left to lose is yourself.

- Lee

2/14

Two days until the anniversary of his death.

Two days until I will wish the day will just go by.

I don’t know why I’m afraid.

I shouldn’t be.

He killed himself because he couldn’t have her.

I don’t know why I’m afraid.

He’s dead.

I think I know why I’m afraid.

I’m afraid she still loves him.

I remember her wanting to die a year ago, so why not now?

The anniversary of his death.

I can’t stop thinking about her.

She’s probably pretending everything is okay.

I know it’s not.

I knew her for eleven years, of course it’s not fucking okay.

I remember her pain from a year ago.

I saw the cuts on her wrist.

I saw the pain in her eyes.

I did that to her.

I made her feel that way.

Please. Please. Please.

Don’t let me lose her even though I already have.

I wouldn’t be able to take it.

He already haunts my dreams.

I don’t want her to only be part of my dreams too.

I can’t sleep.

- Lee

We’ve seen each other vulnerable. We’ve told each other things we haven’t told others before. Yet I’m so afraid to get close to you and I don’t understand why.

- Lee

You make me feel guilty for wanting a day to myself.

We have two different mindsets. Two different desires and needs. Our paces are set at different speeds. I can’t tell if we are gonna last forever or if it’s all going to go by fast and destroy itself in the process.

- Lee

I don’t know who I am anymore.

Things have gone too far too fast. I want to slow down but you keep pushing me. You make me question if I’m doing things right and I don’t want to question it. I don’t want to be afraid of being alone with you.

- Lee